Xmas is a week away but the past 24 hours have been mine. This will be the first one in 15 years that I don’t get to spend it with my girl. It makes me sad but she understands why. The beauty of it all is that tradition is what we make of it and I’ve always been kind of a rule breaker anyway. We adjust the sails and course to the wind.
Last night we went to see Ghostbusters Afterlife, the first time we had set foot in a theater since 2019. It’s such an unsettling feeling especially since she and I have been so cautious with public outings. But we got a relatively empty theater, snuggled up and watched a perfectly done film that hit us in the laughs and tears all at once. I forgot how much I enjoy our adventures, even when they’re the simplest of moments like holding hands and squeezing them when another moment of nostalgia kicked us in the feels box.
She got to open gifts from me this morning. Not a whole lot but things I knew she needed and really wanted. A lunch date, finding a rad copy of one of her holy grails at the record store, and now I wake with the whole household piled up on the couch, from a nap in the light of our spooky tree and the last Full Moon of 2021.
I hope she knows that every day with her is my Christmas morning and I’m fortunate enough to have had so many of those. She really has no idea how utterly grateful I am for it and her and no amount of colorfully wrapped boxes pieced together with tape can ever measure up to the time we get to share in the most crucial of her years. Or maybe she does? Happiest of Yules my Darling.
I have a trip home to make in the next couple of days. I’m nervous as fuck about it on so many counts. Another first since January 2019, a pandemic that continues, a confrontation with the realities of the mortal coil. Every visit made is one step closer to the possibility that it could be the last time I see my Mother breathing. What remains of her, anyway. A bittersweet journey, and one of the many heavy loads I have been carrying as of late but most people don’t know, or care to understand.
I don’t speak about a lot of things publicly, not how I used to. I had a lot of reasons not to, still do. My peace and her privacy being the biggest motivators. There is a lot to be said about the ideas of perception and reality. I don’t care about said perceptions and haven’t for a great while. I am used to taking the hits, blame and finger pointing for things I had zero play in and that isn’t something that has changed and sadly, won’t. But if there’s one thing I will not do anymore of is be subdued while traveling on my avenue of Truth. I don’t owe that shit to anyone, especially when Respect Blvd. was turned into a one way street.
These corners were dusty for a great while, it’s time to do things a little bit differently.