The other night I heard Josh get out of bed. I am a light sleeper thanks to the kiddo, so I hear it all. Josh gets up and makes his zombie way to the bathroom where all of a sudden I hear a thud promptly followed by what sounded like “Shitfuckgoddamit!!! “. I might be wrong about the exact words but one thing I did know, he wasn’t happy. I immediately knew what it was.

I have said this before but I will re-share for posterity. I have a horrible habit of leaving doors, cabinets and drawers in their open position and no doubt that Josh, in his half asleep stupor, walked into something I left open, this time a drawer. I am glad it was his foot and not his balls. Just now I looked over to the kitchen and this was what I saw: 3 cabinet doors, the door to the laundry room and a drawer. Josh is a saint for putting up with it.

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More weird tidbits about me…

If a stranger sneezes within my general vicinity, I can’t help myself and spontaneously say “bless you”. I am not in the business of blessing people, I am not even religious. This is something I have just instinctively said for the longest time and can’t seem to break it. Most of the time people look at me like I am a complete and total weirdo.

I do not wear mascara on my lower lid and haven’t since my 20’s. It grosses me out and it ends up flaking and making me look like I got punched in the eye. Contacts gross me the hell out too… there are so many things I would rather do than stick slimy shit in my eye.

When I clean the house I don’t focus on one room at a time. I just do little things across the house and at some point, most of it is done. I’m like that with a lot of things, a spoon in everything. It will all get finished, eventually.

Not sure where this one weird spoon came from, but there is one metal spoon that doesn’t match the rest of my cutlery. It just showed up in my house. All I do know is that it is my preferred spoon for yogurt consumption and coffee stirring. Funny enough, my Dad has the same habit… he has this one spoon he loves and he has gone as far as to travel with it. I think I am not like him and then stuff like this happens.

Sometimes when I have had enough caffeine, I may send my friends videos on their birthdays of me singing “Las Mañanitas” with mariachi backtrack. That’s the Mexican Happy Birthday. It always goes over well cause who can’t laugh at me making a fool of myself? It helps I curl my lips in really kooky ways and gesticulate a lot when I sing and talk.

When I was a kid I wouldn’t eat strawberries or anything with edible seeds because I believed that plants would grow in my stomach.

I know what a full body cast feels like: itchy as hell

I know what drowning feels like: Yes, your life flashes in front of your eyes

I had my wisdom teeth removed with only local anesthesia. I heard every rip and crunch. I don’t advise anyone do this, ever. Unless you are a complete and total masochist.

I have had to learn how to walk twice.

Tequila and I do not get along and yes, it is for the very reason you are probably thinking.

I have never received a speeding ticket despite my bat out of hell ways. I have been pulled over, had warnings, got an administrative fine but nothing on my record. Can I make it to 40 without one? We shall see!

Tell me something weird, kooky or eccentric about you! 

 

This weekend was lots of goodness which included the following:

Quiet morning at the shelter with nine kittens and Morrissey in my headphones. Lunch with my Mr.

Laughing on the couch to Louie CK stand up. I will never tire of a good “taking a shit” joke.

Rain. CA is lacking it so whenever water falls from the sky, it is always welcome.

Driving through freshly watered, Fall colored, wine country landscapes.

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Playing Bean Boozled with Reza who has been bitching about this game for months. I ended up with a moldy cheese flavor that I promptly spit out and declared game over. Sorry but I can’t even fathom the concept of willingly putting a dog food/vomit/booger/ear wax flavored anything in my mouth.

Walking around SF/Golden Gate Park with these handsome mofos, getting rained on, followed by delicious sushi dinner. Living so close to SF always allows us opportunities to hang out with many visiting friends and Jason & Eryc are some of our absolute favorites. photo 2
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My dude who makes me feel like every day is Christmas morning

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The smell of cinnamon swirl bread in the toaster.

Hearing from friends who were having a great time jamming to compilation CDs I made them. Totally makes my day when peeps tell me how much they’ve enjoyed the treats I have shared with them.

Reza absolutely handing us our asses in Dr Who Monopoly. Girl absolutely ruined us both. RUINED.

Crispy Sunday weather that very much felt like Fall should feel. Crispy day was followed by chicken enchilada soup in the slow cooker.  Such an awesome soup… with my personal tweaks of course, I can’t seem to follow a recipe to a T.

Awesome snail mail in my mailbox.

And of course, in the “huge life event” department. After many years of trying, Reza rode a bike for the first time yesterday. It was the one thing we just couldn’t get her to learn and rather than push too hard or embarrass her, we decided to ride it out. Yesterday Josh decided to give it another go to which he said, “Today is the day” and well, she did! We couldn’t be more stoked cause now we can take her with us on trail adventures. It’s such a rad feeling to see your kid turn a corner from insecure/doubtful to “I got this”. Josh was the one helping her while I watched from afar. At one point she stops, drops her bike and runs to him, “Daddy! I DID IT!”. Oh man, the tears and all the feels. Here is a small clip.

Songs on heavy rotation:
“Gods and Monsters” – Lana del Rey
“Memorial” – Russian Circles feat. Chelsea Wolf
“Jack The Ripper” – Morrissey

 

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I spaced on doing the drawing for The Mystery Box Giveaway on Friday, my bad! But anyway,  I did a randomizer on the whopping 15 people who entered and the winner is Andrea S. Woo!

For those of you thinking, “Wait, what the what choo talking’ bout Willis? Free loot what?”

Those of you who know how I roll,  I am a pretty awesome snail mailer. I am and have no shame in admitting it either. So I did a blog exclusive, reader appreciation giveaway in which I send a small parcel of mystery goodies.  I didn’t post about it anywhere other than on beansandink.com and a mild Facebook teaser but it went over the head of a lot of people.

I do this kinda thing pretty often and they’re never exclusive to a particular social media platform. You just have to follow in those spots and keep a sharp eye.

Congrats to Andrea! Thanks to everyone who participated and follow along.

xo

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art by Keisuke Miyazaki  – thanks to Jennie R. for sending it to me <3

 

 

It’s October 21st and the month is almost gone. GONE. Already the loot is on clearance and I am being greeted by Rudolph and his jolly, beady eyes, in the aisles of my favorite stores. In October! AKA “what bullshit”.

Every year I send out a massive snail mail round of Hallow-greetings for all. The problem is I tend to do this thing where I bite off more than I can chew and half the month disappeared between Josh’s Mom coming to visit, planning Reza’s birthday, my getting sick, etc. My time management isn’t the best and I am sure you have noticed by your empty mailboxes, that this year hasn’t happened. I am sad to say that it isn’t going to.

I tend to be of a very giving nature. I love to bring moments of happy where I can via notes, parcels, details toward others. In doing so I seem to have neglected the one thing that should be getting the most attention besides my family: myself.

So I am calling it on the Halloween snail mail this year in an effort to get caught up on some overdue business and give to myself for a change. Save for responding to those very few who have initiated an exchange, I will reciprocate to them of course. But otherwise I just can’t do that to myself… it’s a lot of time and cash that I simply do not have.

Doesn’t mean I can’t do small little somethings, for example:

I had a small illustration giveaway hosted on my Instagram page which coincidentally went to one of the few people who sent me a Halloweeen card this year. I couldn’t be happier to see it going her way…

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And then there’s the Mystery Box which I will draw on Friday. I will still do little things here and there but they get posted where they get posted to keep it fair.

I dunno, I guess I find myself in a place where I am doing a lot of the trying/giving and in doing so I am also ignoring. I don’t like the way it is making me feel. And to only compile the matter I am desperately trying to find the well to saturate the creative draught that I seem to be in. All these plans/ideas in my head and I just cannot seem to bring myself to execution. If I do execute, it feels sub-par and just scratch it altogether. Don’t let my instagram feed or blog fool you. The creative part has been few and far between.

I would say “it’s not you, it’s me” but that is a lie. It’s both of us. Connections flounder without reciprocation and I can’t be the one who does it all. I think I can but ultimately, I too have days of bad, vulnerability and question. I spend a lot of time cultivating my friendships and lately I have been doing a lot of it whether it be calls, emails, texts. Not this bantering on Facebook threads bullshit either. As real as I can get considering most of my favorite peeps don’t live anywhere in my proximity.

Shit, this ended up being a little deeper than I wanted to dig but hey, you know I am not one to hold back when the opportunity presents itself.

So yeah, no Hallow-mail this year. Sorry but I am not sorry. I have some work to do.

 

It has been a while since I have done a freebie Friday and because it has been far too long, I decided that this one will be a little bigger than usual.  I have a small sized priority mail box. What is in said box? Well, that is for one lucky winner to find out… could be treats, tricks, art, goodies, etc.

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So what do you have to do? Comment to this post with one thing you think I have planned to put in the box. Said comment gets you in. I will do a drawing next Friday, October 24th.

Please Note: I will only accept comments to this post. No fb likes or comments on any other social media platforms.

The giveaway is closed and the winner is ANDREA S.  Thanks for playing!

And yes, I will document said “mystery box” and will share at a later date, after the winner receives it.

 

Excuse my MIA-ness. Things have been kind of crazy around these parts. The most random of thoughts and goings on will follow…

Josh’s mom was here a couple weeks ago. It had been quite some time since we had seen her. It was a quick but full trip. She got to reconnect with Reza which was nice to see, we went to SF (her first time). It was unbelievably hot that day, way too hot for SF that’s for sure but the sights make up for it. We also took Reza to see Lorde. Lorde was amazing… hard to believe a teenager can be that put together. Reza had a blast.

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Oh yeah! So after many years of online friendship I finally had the opportunity to hang out with my boo Dinah The Cupkozy Queen. Dude. It was hella cool cause it was like we had always hung out. She and a friend came up for this wine tasting event and it was hilarious cause I have never seen that many white people clad in embellished maxi dresses and hawaiian shirts under one roof. I didn’t partake in the sips but got to try some of the local cheese, chocolatier whatnot. Sonoma County brings it when it comes to all that awesome snobbery. Let’s face it, some of it is hella snobby. All in all it was an awesome evening that got capped off with a goodie bag of Smashbox cosmetics that will take me forever to go through (she works for them so gets mad hook up)

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Then of course our Friday the 13th, not so baby anymore, celebrated birthday #8. It seems like only yesterday I was giving birth and now this. We took her to Six Flags on Sunday and were met up by Griselda which was a nice surprise. It was in the high 90’s and we were all pretty miserable but made the best of it. Shit, I even got on some crazy coasters which I rarely ever do. Good lord, way too old for that shit.

We did get met with a little sass on her end because she doesn’t understand the concept of expectations and not always getting what you want. It was a bit of a bummer really because I really worked my ass off behinds the scenes to make her day special and when you get the “well we did that last year, I thought we were doing something new”, well, it stings a little. I know it’s typical growing up whatnot but I don’t like the idea of her being an ungrateful person, even more when she has NO CLUE how good she has it.

On her actual birthday I decorated up her room for her so when she got home from school there were gifts, a small cake, you know… the drill. She of course is milking the birthday train for all that it’s worth. Eight. Good lord. Screen Shot 2014-10-15 at 11.35.10 AM

Of course, being the grossness that is, I seem to have brought home The Theme Park Plague so I have been sick all week. Not fun. That and all the birthday planning stress, paired with a commission with a looming deadline… it got the best of me. I have this tendency of waiting for the last minute to get shit done which I know is ass backwards but the pressure makes me work better. Ridiculous, I know.

We canceled cable a couple weeks ago. I’m sorry but paying that much money for 5 channels we actually watch just isn’t worth it anymore. Especially when we are trying to get our finances in order so we can hopefully buy a house next year. Yeah, we have decided it is time. We dig Sonoma County and the Bay Area, Reza is in a fabulous school, Josh likes his job. We are so over this wall sharing malarkey it isn’t even funny. All in due time…

Still dealing with some health stuff but I am doing what I can to make it better. Iced my cake by developing a shoulder impingement which I seem to be subconsciously aggravating by sleeping in weird positions. I have been tossing around a lot these days and the super weird dreams are not helping my cause. Dreaming of broken teeth is the worst.

Otherwise I have really been focusing on how I shift my place in e-land. That means talking to friends more, removal of the toxic, note writing, package swapping (not that kind of package, cochinos), being more conscious and present with the people in my life.

Lots of stuff in the pipe though which is nice…. got some art stuff I need to finish, wrapping up Reza’s Halloween costume, a weekend jaunt up to the PeeDeeEx to see some friends and get out of town, my big 4-0 next month, Thanksgiving… the end of the year just goes downhill from here.

 

 

I decided I am going to think out loud over here instead of saying all the comments I really want to say…

No. You are not going to get ebola.

I don’t believe in God, the Lord, and all that invisible man whatnottery. God isn’t great. I am not sorry or a bad person for not believing.

There are a thousand things that look more appetizing than the slop some people post. I have seen puddles of vomit that looked tastier.

No one cares where anyone is “checking in”

Friendship is a two way street that you haven’t traveled on in years.

Doing something one time does not make you an expert.

I really should be doing 1000 other things than wasting my time here.

 

 

It is no news when I tell you I am a total product junkie. In this edition I share with you some of my latest discoveries, goodies that float my boat and a couple classics I cannot seem to stray from. It seems only appropriate that these go well with Fall. MYFAVTHINGS - FALL

Vampire Blood Incense - Don’t let the cheese ball name and packaging deter you. After Nag Champa, this is hands down my most favorite incense ever. I stumbled upon it at a shop in NJ and as I mocked it, the hippie dude behind the counter gave me the “oh don’t you rip” look and lit one in the store. Instantaneous love. | available on eBay or Amazon.

Three Sisters Apothecary Body Butter in Gravenstein Apple and Clove – Local to Sonoma County, I discovered them at the local Whole Foods. The body butter is super rich and this particular fragrance has a lovely clove back end. Rest assured you will smell like Fall. They have several other fragrances and while it isn’t my thing, apparently the black licorice and vanilla scent is just as amazing. I use it after my pre-bedtime shower and wake up baby soft. $9.50 a tub |  http://www.soapcauldron.com

Bumble & Bumble Hairdresser’s Invisible Oil Heat/UV Protective Primer – This spray is a godsend for hair like mine that is thick, color treated, dry and requires heat styling. It softens, detangles, de-frizzes and protects from heat abuse. I flat iron A LOT now that my hair is short and this eliminates having to put so much crap in it. I put it in after I wash, dry, iron it and I barely require any styling product after. Pricey and well worth the cash. $26 | available in salons

MAC Lipstick in “Dark Side” -  Now that my hair is darker I needed to switch up my color palette a tap. This color goes on lighter than it looks but when lined or mixed with black, you get a nice, vampy, burgundy wine color. $16 | at your local MAC counter or department store.

 OGX Coconut Milk Conditioner - I tried the sulfate free lines for a while and they just weren’t cutting the mustard for my hair texture. I really love coconut fragrance anything so I picked this up as a travel size when I went to San Diego. I loved it so much I have been using it since and you cannot beat the price – $5-6  | most drug stores, Target or Ulta.

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab Fragrance Oil in “Bordello”- This has been my #1 favorite from BPAL for the past decade and I always keep coming back to it. The name is perfectly suited for this fragrance oil made with Bawdy plum, amaretto, burgundy wine and black currant. Totally smells like a sticky, sweet whore house. I have one bottle from 10 years ago and it ages even better. If this isn’t your thing, you should definitely check them out… right now they have limited edition Halloween batches and they never stay in stock very long. Can you blame them with names like Autumn Cider and Pumpkin Spice Everything? $17.50 | www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com

Papier D’arménie Incense Booklet  – This paper incense is a super best kept secret. Each booklet contains about 36 strips of paper incense. You light it and it cleans out the funk in the air. I can’t explain the scent but it is super amazing, isn’t overbearing. The beauty is you can carry it in your bag should you find yourself in situations that need some air cleaning. You will need to use your Google-Fu to find it since I am seeing all kinds of crazy prices for this one. Ebay looks like it has the best deal.

What are some of your favorites? I would love to hear all about them! 

 

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Since February, I have been a weekly volunteer at the local animal shelter to help out in one of the cat rooms. My Friday morning usually consists of getting Reza to school, dropping off Josh at work and then heading over to the shelter for my shift. I call these days my “kitty therapy” day. I didn’t expect the rewards that came from volunteering with these furry nuggets but I accept them nonetheless.

I park in the back of the building, getting there around 9 a.m., around the same time they allow the shelter dogs to come out to play in the fenced enclosures outside. I rarely go into the dog section because it bums me out but I stopped that morning, to watch the enthusiasm of barks and wagging tails. Amongst the bunch of pups there were several feisty little chihuahua and toy breed mixes, happily dishing their attitude to their larger counterparts. I am all smiles and then it hits me. It has been almost two years since I had to let Nena go. That was two years ago today.


While time has healed a lot of the wounds from her absence, watching all those little guys made me realize that I am still, not ready to be a dog owner. Granted, we aren’t in the space where it would be right.. small place, leases, clauses, etc. But even if I did have the space for it, I am just nowhere ready to be a dog owner and don’t know if I ever will be. I had to walk away before the tears started coming out.

When you first bring these furry critters into your family, you’re never prepared for the idea that as fast as they arrive, there is also the imminent departure. The hole and the absence, the heartache of companionship that is no more. No one prepared me for the possibility of illnesses and the fact you may have to make decisions for them that will alter your and their lives forever.

To this day, I still carry a lot of guilt over her euthanasia. I let my emotions get the best of me so much that I regret the way I handled myself in the process. I chose to not be there because I couldn’t handle it. I let my emotions and personal depression get the best of me. Part of me really wishes I could back to do it all over. She gave me 13 years and I couldn’t even give her my hand in her final moments. I have to live with that.

Every morning I sit at my desk and her empty bed sits at my feet. The cats refuse to go near it. I know it’s silly to keep things like that around to some people, but I can’t help but feel a little comfort of the idea that something is still there.  A place for her should her little pooch specter decides she wants to come home. It reminds me of our times together, to think about my decisions and how they affect others, to feel a little reminder that once there was someone small, that barked a lot, bit the mail lady, snuggled my newborn and loved me.

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Amongst my boredom the other night, I fell into the link clicking wormhole. In doing so I stumbled upon a website that I really wish I had never seen. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at: forums where random anonymous people (assholes/haters/mouthbreathers) do nothing but look at the websites of people who blog and then proceed to absolutely rip them apart. And I mean RIP APART.

Curiosity got the best of me and I found myself reading some of these “forums” and I was absolutely saddened and disgusted that that level of time was dedicated for the sole purpose of hating on people you know absolutely nothing about. I vacated as quickly as I found it.

I would like to think that people, “people” being a generalized statement, have better things to do with their time. I guess I am a little naïve in thinking that way. Not sure why I am even posting about it but here I am because two days later, I am still kind of taken back by the whole thing.  It was really bothersome to me.

Long before the days of The Book Of Faces, I felt a natural inclination to share pieces of my life online. I didn’t think I was an interesting person, in fact, I didn’t think much of myself. I was lonely and didn’t have many friends. I have been writing and putting out dribble since my early 20’s. This path is an interesting one… on one hand you open up parts of your life to complete strangers which can be good and bad. It has brought drama of all sorts… let’s face it, when you have a mouth as big as mine, it comes with the territory. On the same vein, it has afforded me amazing connections with people some of which I yet have to meet in person but hold so so dear, some who are the best of friends and some who I wish had never found me. I never did it for popularity, for bragging rights, or even to make a living… it was just something I did because it felt right at the time.

I write to vent, commiserate, share, communicate. It’s a cheap form of therapy. It’s an outlet for me and while I am a grammatical nightmare, it is my place nonetheless… and the idea that someone would come here just to “hate read” while rolling their eyeballs is sad to me.

We all have a spot in the world to dent. I would like to think that my dent, while small, leaves a larger mark than my foot makes. It takes courage to open up about who you are, what ails, inspires and defeats you. To make something from nothing and put it out in the world. Sure, that stuff gets lost in the fold of superficiality but behind all of it is a fucking person. Think about that.

So on behalf of myself and probably other bloggers, artists, musicians, those people who have been on the receiving end of getting ripped apart… I have something to say to you: I dare you to do what we do. I dare you to create something and share a piece of yourself with the world. If you don’t, you don’t have a leg to stand on. Those of us who DO are better for it. There is more reward in shedding light behind the veil, far more some random haters who want to judge will ever receive. So if you’re a doer and a maker, keep at it. Let them stew. You’re doing something right.

And to the cowards, the keyboard warriors who hide behind their monitors of fear? FU.

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