(a random collection of disjointed thoughts)
Coffee with cinnamon + honey and bearded irises are a whole ass mood.
The catharsis of the unsent letter (do more of this). Or even better? Maybe just send it so they know, even if they don’t deserve the gift of my certainty.
Things that I find irrationally unsettling: hair on the shower walls, the stringy white things on oranges, socks with the seam across the front of the toes, signature elastic and having to stick my hand in the garbage disposal.
I can listen to Nothing’s “A.C.D” on repeat and every time it makes me feel different things… but what it reminds me of most is having my hand warmer peeled back to have my bare hand held as I drove. It’s wild how some songs, paired with the right moment or company, can imprint so hard in your memory bank.
..and I will leave you with a bad taste in your mouth…
It has been pretty disheartening how this country seems to be shifting into this blatant culture of misogyny, violence, racism and fear. More than usual. I won’t even get into the serious man and gun problem either (please go to fuckin’ therapy). Anyone that says the USA is a great country, is clearly someone who has never left it. The quality of life here just diminishes on the daily and sometimes I wonder if this is the right place for me (or R) anymore. Looking forward to crossing the borders this year, even if for the brief stints I am planning because this wanderlust is at an all time high and I really need to replenish this unsettled feeling that is looming.
Been taking some steps. Little ones but in the grand scheme of my personal journey to healing, they’re huge. I have pushed so much of myself and my needs to the wayside, tending to the fires of others as mine wane. I am not getting any younger here and even though 47 isn’t a bad spot to be from where I am standing, I know I can be better and kinder to my flesh vessel. Taking care of me is essential and never is it more apparent than when it stares back at me in ways that I know I have the capacity to change.
I doubt I will ever finish unpacking some of the proverbial shit I have gone through in my lifetime, because some of it has been downright awful and heartbreaking. Things come up often more than not, especially when someone inadvertently steps on the land mine you didn’t even know you had placed. But sometimes you see the lining of the suitcase here and there, and I can’t help but be grateful for my therapeutic journey and the open eyes it has given me, even if it started at the expense of a round of gaslighting. 4(ish) years later and I have learned so much about me, life and how to be a better person and parent. I tread on.
The raddest feeling is knowing I am surrounded by relationships and connections that don’t fill me with doubt. There’s a freedom in knowing I can give and expose all these facets of me and they’re received without judgement or that they won’t be weaponized against me. There is so much liberation to be uncovered when the accountability finally starts to take hold and seep into the bones of my humanity – I am just choosing a lot more wisely now.
long gone are the days
of drinking from chipped cups filled with broken promises
not when there are goblets of lustful earnestness
to be wide-mouthed for
and get insatiably drunk on
may it drip
down my chin