2024 started off with a storm and fog of heavy hits:
Gomez ended up at the hospital twice – he’s doing better but definitely starting to show his age and I cannot even fathom what I am going to do when his time comes…. so I am savoring all of his cuddles and wants as much as I can. Grateful I was able to get him on some insurance before all this happens because the veterinary wallet impalement is on a whole new level of ouch. Getting really sick in the middle of all of that – it has been raining so much and as much as I am lucky to live in CA where it isn’t as cold, the “winter” season just does a number on me in so many ways. I am beyond over it. Being sick while dealing with several major crisis and little to no support is just… a lot.
This 28th of February would have been Mom’s 80th birthday. It was the first since she passed away and it came with its set of feelings. I put out some roses and lit a candle for her small vessel of ashes. I know “she” left us far before her actual body did, but something about this one just made it more… final. Truth is I haven’t really even had the time and space to grieve her properly. How can I? Breaks and quiet time are a rarity and when I have had so many large hits all at once? Makes sense why my body just broke down with illness. I sometimes wonder what she would think of me and the direction my life took. Or how she would absolutely love R and the beauty she’s growing into. I know it’s life and all that, but I can’t also help but think of the unfairness of it all. She deserved better.
Took Reza to see ††† for her first time. I can’t even begin to explain the joy of sharing a mutual love for all things Chino with her and while we could have done without the ridiculously long trek to Hollywood, some things are just worth the time and effort. Being out en masse is such a weird thing these days, but getting to see a couple shows the past couple of weeks and getting to feel some bass in my insides was so medicinal. The eye candy of beautiful people was none too shabby either.
I recently started Postcrossing again. Figured I would put that stack of unused postcards to some good use. There is just something in the tangible and handwritten that cannot be rivaled, no matter how hard digital media tries. Emails don’t carry scent, touch, whispered secrets or dried tears. Last month I received one of the most thoughtful Valentine’s Day somethings ever. When someone speaks your level of “attention to detail” language, when the effort is there, it just hits in ways that no amount of pricy gifts or over the top gestures can match. He just gets me. It only makes me miss him so much more.
This longing for Spring is borderline lascivious. I am beyond ready for time to jump ahead, for longer and warmer days. I am compiling a list of things I would like to do in sunnier times. I have to give myself some things to look forward to: nature, things, people… and perhaps travel once more. 4 years ago was the day the world got shut down. Sometimes it is hard to fathom or wrap my head around that it even happened in the first place. It’s an odd dichotomy because there is so much I missed out on. On the same token, had it not happened, I probably would have made so many colossal mistakes while flailing around with an unhealed heart. It gifted me some beautiful connections and even if it was an option, I can’t say I would take it all back if I could. Time is running at a faster pace and none of us have the luxury of squandering it. Not anymore.
Needless to say there has been a lot of introspection as of late. Looking back, looking forward, scouring over things I wrote in my former years, melancholia fueled with reminiscent undertones. I don’t look at myself with the same level of guilt and shame that I used to. Old me was messy, had no boundaries and was treated a lot more poorly than I care to admit. By myself and others. The current version of me is so much more agreeable. Perhaps it’s because while I am always going to remain impulsive, I am also a lot more calculated and methodical in my way of being and response. Such is the journey toward one’s self and always being in a constant state of working, doing, evolving and always striving to be better and surrounding myself with those who carry their hearts with empathy, gentleness, gratitude and appreciation.
It hasn’t come without some glimmers of lovely:
A visit from Brent that couldn’t have come at a better time – He is just effortless and soul healing to be around. And another one around the corner.
A night out for Chelsea Wolfe with Dawne.
So many wonderful sunsets and cloud photos.
When you get a much needed hair cut that makes you feel like a million Benjamins.
Nerding out with Dad about Dune.
When the light at the end of the tunnel gets a little brighter.
Swapping handwritten notes of missing with Him.
Adulting and productive whatnot that always feels good to handle.
Letting it go.
Lucifer finally came out of his 3 month brumation and ate. 3 months of hunger strike was making us nervous!
The spider that has taken up residence under my art desk.
Deleting people off my phone and socials. I am all about noise reduction and getting rid of phony sense of connection, way too many memes and therapy pages. As much as I am all about growth and learning, there is such thing as too much therapy content and toxic positivity. I’m all about seeking peace these days and some ways are best traveled in opposing directions.
Scoring tix to Amenra – an absolute necessity. (I love when rare bands grace San Diego in really small spaces and down the street even better!)
Scratching a hard craving itch. Horchata I love you so.
Sold some work that I had floating around for a while and my newest piece was adopted. Quickly. It always flatters me to move the work and having a couple shows on the calendar in the months to come. Art-ing again within itself – it fills the cup and every bit helps cause Rx cat food and those vet hospital visits were not cheap!
Chai tea with coconut milk
My neighbor Tillie. What a godsend of a human to live next to.
The way He says “how dare you Ms. Garcia!”. I dare. And for him? Often. What can I say, I am a sucker for a British accent.
