After what seems like it was never going to happen, My Chemical Romance finally did. Reza and I had a pre-birthday trip to Las Vegas to go to the show and while it was a quick jaunt back and forth, we had a great time. There were a ton of tears, everywhere. It just makes all the difference when you go to a show and the love for the band is not only mutually shared, but it was like that with the whole building. It was super special and I am so glad I got to not only able to do that, finally, but share yet another of many firsts with Them. The show ending with crying and hugging to “cancer” is a core memory I soon won’t forget.

Reza turned 16. It has been an absolute blur of time and while it has gone by faster than expected, I am grateful that I have been able to stay a consistent fixture in all of these years for Them. It hasn’t been without its challenges and blows, but I know it will matter so much down the road. I just love this kid so fuckin’ much.

What do you like? Need? How? What unsettles you? How can I do/be/try? I am not used to being on the receiving end of thoughtful and selfless of that caliber. And being able to answer them without fear of judgement or repercussion? Fuck. And when these questions come from men? An entire mind fuck. Unpacking trust issues is a whole lot of something for me but slowly and surely I am allowing myself to lower that drawbridge. It is not easy but I sit with the discomfort and try. I just don’t do it so freely anymore. People have no idea how much power there can be in words when they’re fueled with sincerity and surrender. There is so much in the ask, just as much as the answer – if not more.

Halloween/Muertos came and went. R was Patrick Bateman and absolutely killed it. I on the other hand have been opting for full blown hermit mode. Odd for me, I know, considering this is my favorite holiday and season. I have some things in the works that are just so meaningful and big (for me) and this year, sitting out potential exposure risks outweighed festivities. Setting up the altar was an emotional one this time around – my gut tells me next year there will be an addition. It’s not morbid to accept reality… doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. The sky being lit ablaze on Halloween night was not lost on me.

November has always been a reflective time of year for me. The end of yet another trip around the sun, weeks shy of turning 48. This one will come and go just as quickly, no doubt, but there’s a lot to think of, look forward to, do, and my god… I cannot wait for every transformative second of it. I have been a hell of a lot more private about so many things because I have come to discover time and time again that there will always be someone willing to project their fears and nonsense onto you. Not that I am closed off to contradictory opinions, I am just not here for people with no first hand experiences trying to set the tone for shit they know nothing about. I am not here for hive mind mentality. What I am here for are meaningful experiences and connections – especially when I get to share them with the caliber of those who get it.

Recently someone told me that those big moves, the risks, the stepping outside of the comfort zone… while scary, are also where the growth is. I seek it. I invite it. I will it.

Looking back at my track record, I can’t say I disagree.

 

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