Spring arrived. Does it feel like it? Yes. Does it look like it? No. 12 atmospheric rivers (and counting) and while I love rain, I don’t want it for months at a time. I am all for the green and wildflower blooms but the dark and crispy skies weigh. So much for that “sunshine tax”. Regardless, the sunshine is inside these days – I find it in those little pleasures, serious self care, my family, a new scent on my skin, new songs – shit, even the old ones that take on new meaning, R’s laughter behind the closed bedroom door, His sense of wonder, the self worth I see, exude and won’t apologize for anymore… even if I have to break my own heart sometimes.
The 3rd anniversary of covid lockdown came and went – and if it wasn’t for that and the impact it created for very different reasons, none of us would be where we are in this moment. It’s a mind fuck. Lockdown forced me to look at myself, sit with myself. When you’re walking around with a gaping wound and heart hanging out of your chest, there is potential for so much disaster. This cataclysmic event forcibly kept me from what could have been some serious mistakes. I learned, grew and expanded. It gifted me some really beautifully life altering connections and experiences that I know in my core, would never have happened unless… Would I take it back if I could? I think I already know that answer.
Recently someone special to me turned the corner of another completion around the Sun and it sparked dialog about age and growing older. Maybe it’s the inner peace I have found in recent years, the grips with my own age and seeing how life can be so fleeting in the process, but I have really taken on a new perspective with the whole idea of age. When society does nothing but want to fight the process by trying to preserve youth – and condemns maturity with disposability, I can’t help but want to treat the process with a little bit more respect. I have literally been on death’s door more than once and the fact I am still here isn’t lost on me. I’m fortunate to have made it this far. This is a privilege. I see the women in my life approach their own journeys with reverence, agency and wisdom, and we share in it unapologetically. This doesn’t mean I am ready to surrender to the grey just yet but being where and who I am, in this moment, isn’t such a bad place to be all things considering.
It never ceases to amaze me that even at this point in my life, there are still so many firsts I have yet to experience. And yet somehow, little by little, those “firsts” are claimed or given away. How He manages to consistently check those boxes off without as much as an ask speaks volumes. I guess this is what happens when you commune with devils instead of mortals. They’re Yours.
Some of the greatest medicine comes in the form of having something to look forward to. I just happen to have many doses. Getting visits from some of my best friends I haven’t seen in forever? Taking my baby to see The Cure? The plotting of the Next Great Adventure? Yes. Please.
Warmth, reunion and emergence are on the horizon.