Yesterday was the Summer Solstice and the longest day of the year. I went on a very long walk that ended in the weirdest moments of daylight as late as 8:30 pm. My body is pissed at me for all of that especially since I live on a huge hill but nonetheless I relish in this ache cause I know how it got there. A little over a month ago I made the decision to start tapering off of my meds. Truth is I have wanted to for a great while but the outside stressors and abject nonsense that kept getting in my path were just a lot to manage… I wanted to, it just wasn’t right. But things are different now and I am balancing it with a lot of positive change in hopes this spot is sweet enough. Needless to say said on-foot excursion ended up at the pharmacy to pick up what I hope to be my last bottle of meds in a great while. I owe it to myself to try and truth be told, I am not that broken pile of glass I was 3 years ago. I have done a metricfuckton of work on and for myself.
Long gone are my days of doing emotional labor for people who refuse to look in the mirror. Get out of here with your fragile ass shit – I am not a nurse to slap on the band-aids to ouchies on broken people with festering, untreated wounds. Especially men.
Someone else’s comfort zone isn’t a place I choose to reside in anymore. Not sure why being “alone” is so terrifying to some. I rather enjoy it, my company and the seeds I cultivate in my own garden. The other day a friend asked me how I liked being on my own and without hesitation the first thing I said was, “I fucking love it”. Certainty is intoxicating.
I actively choose to surround myself with people who do not make me question them, their intentions or make me feel doubt. It’s wild to me how hard wired we have become to tolerate people’s dishonesty, indiscretions and reward their mediocrity. Basic decency isn’t a podium worthy performance and I am not handing out participation ribbons. Protection of my ease and peace are vital.
I have really come to loathe sarcasm and cynicism. Being either isn’t a personality trait that I find appealing or desirable and I am so glad I’m not like that anymore. My outlook has shifted so much in the past few years and I am finding it far more fulfilling to not only revel in things that bring me joy, but allowing myself to let others do the same – even if its things that I personally don’t care for. You do you. I’ll be over here doing me. Hard pass to anything or anyone who wants to squash those tiny things that make me feel good.
There is something so ethereally nostalgic about cloud filled skies that smell of moistened earth and summer storms paired with some Rock En Español. It reminds me of the moments in Mazatlan when the summer would rip apart the skies to a torrential tropical downpour. I know I am lamenting the tremendous heat that August in Mazatlan will bring but I am also looking forward to a few days away with Reza to refresh the roots with some Pacific kisses and lapping at my feet. Add a freshly split coco and some mangoes from the tree in my parent’s yard. Yes, please. Gotta remind this child where and what they come from.
The veil lifted and with it came clarity. A clarity so thick I could slice it. That blinding kind of translucency that brings me to my knees so it can be devoured barehanded. I am letting it drip onto my chest, while I lick my fingertips and I won’t be bothered till I am done savoring every last crumb.
These knees are going to be bruised with life.