Wow. Can we all agree in saying, “What. The. Fuck. Was. THAT?”

2019? You’re rude.

Even with what feels like what was one of the most brutal years in recent history, I can’t help but be thankful for what it brought, what it revealed and what it taught me. There comes a time when you need to be honest with yourself and others… and honest I was. It was a painful truth, founded in self reflection and acceptance. And sometimes, that honesty comes in the form of total demolition, to walk into the fire knowing fully well it is going to burn you, in order to build anew. Hopefully into something better.

2019…

Found new meaning in the concept of “home”.

Manifested a wonderful apartment that I am absolutely in love with.

Bought my first adult bed… with a headboard and a flat sheet that actually gets used.

Built something wonderful out of next to nothing.

My marriage and relationship of 18 years unraveled and burned into the ground.

Had my heart and trust abused and broken. Brutally. Repeatedly.

Lost one of my best friends.

Witnessed many amazing sunsets from the comfort of my doorway.

Confirmed truths that my intuition had already revealed to me. They were not pretty.

Left a comfortable cage.

Exposed my vulnerability.

Traveled to Portland.

Experienced betrayal and disappointment at the hand of some of my most cherished, in degrees I cannot even begin to explain.

Said goodbye to fear and hello to bravery.

Bonded with my Daughter in ways I could have only hoped and dreamed for.

Created new routines and rituals.

So. Many. Tears. Tears of sadness and grief as well as tears of laughter, joy and gratitude.

Saw Blink-182, Cigarettes After Sex, Author & Punisher and Babymetal.

Went to CA Adventure for the first time with my girl.

Experienced a first date ever and while it went nowhere it was still fun to do if anything so I could say I did.

Celebrated my 45th birthday and R turned 13.

Tested and plunged into waters that were cold and sometimes invitingly warm…. and found beauty in the discomfort of sailing uncharted waters with no maps or first mate.

Learned new things in the form of making pozole and tamales.

Reveled in the success and happiness of those around me making small or gaping strides. (Ginny rode from SF TO LA ON HER BIKE! WTF!)

Flirted mercilessly.

Got a job. Lost a job. Got a job.

Found the ability to give myself closure in the form of forgiveness of myself and others. No more waiting around for others to grant me what I can give myself.

Honored my truth.

Admitted where I was wrong.

Apologized when it was required.

Reclaimed my name and found confidence in my resilience.

Worked through the trials and pain of a divorce without self medication, reliance on destructive paths of familiarity or falling into canyons of comfortable avoidance.

Discovered what my grace and integrity look like.

Bore witness to my fighting tooth and nail for our best interests and reaping the reward in watching R thrive into this incredible human being.

Reveled in the strength of women and just how fucking powerful we can be.

Poured the foundation to what will hopefully be a better place of home, safety and family

Received a massive amount of love, support and encouragement from my family and friends, solidifying my concepts of tribe and coven. Built and solidified new foundations in the forms of home, familia, friendship and love. If you happened to be one of the countless that showed the fuck up for R and I this year (you all know who you are) I am so unbelievably fortunate to have you in my circle and the gratitude I have for you knows no bounds. I am beyond thankful for you.

Discovered my worth, stood my ground, built and fought for my boundaries. A connection to me is a privilege and I sure as fuck am not letting anyone or anything give me anything less than what I deserve. Ever. Again. Get on board or get out of my way.

2019 was a BEAST of a year. She was filled with anguish, transformation, truth and blood. But the beauty of her resurfacing is that at the very end of her last flicker, I found the power in my magic, the glow in the ash and she is unbridled, unapologetic and magnificent.

2020? You’re gonna be my bitch.