It’s interesting to see things from ages ago. The faces I used to make, the company I kept, the manner in which I used to see and navigate the world. I’ve spent months contemplating what to do with old social media accounts that I deactivated several years ago. They just sit there collecting e-dust. Untouched. For a while I just liked to pretend it wasn’t there because the idea of it was daunting. There was so much there for me to endure. Nothing but memories that felt like daggers every time I saw them.
I guess that’s where the growth is in ways, because for once in a great while, I could look at the photos, the messages, and it not cut as deep as it used to because the truth is, this is where we are now. Is it a bummer? Absolutely. I can’t help but ask myself how I managed to get here. I mean, I know why but it’s a real mindfuck. How do you go from being someones friend or lady, to the diminutive adjectives used in the place where my name used to be? And just like that, we are strangers once more.
Nothing like skimming through decades+ worth of imagery and words to send you back to wonderful moments, the color of your life, the moments you forgot about and the sometimes dark that hid behind smiles. The lies that so many of us tell ourselves for the need to keep up the facade and expectations. Instead of being honest about how messy we all can be. I was done with that and now more than ever, it resonates even harder. I’m messy and complex… but so much more honest with myself.
I miss writing, reading and somewhere along the lines I fell prey to the drugs of attention and empty validations. It isn’t what I am about and in hindsight, never was. The great distraction and I thought I knew it all. The mirror we look away from because what looks back isn’t its best.
In any event the files were requested and as soon as I obtain them, I plan for a full on delete. I am fucking tired of the fb machine and how unproductive it has become. Not when I have art to create, things to say in person or in written form and a lot more authentic living to be doing.
Time to build something better.