Ivonne

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  • some of that February gold…

    Euphoria Sunday with Them.

    New ephemeral accoutrements ~ and the hands I know they’ll end up in.

    When people come back and thank me for the introduction to their new favorite thing(s).

    Difficult conversations that flow from a place of vulnerability, honesty, care and locked limbs.

    Being referred to as exquisite and rare.

    Arranging my own Valentine’s roses cause love is more than just for others. I’m giving it to myself too.

    When you catch those old demons trying to surface and bait me – and actively choosing to not be the version of myself I outgrew a long time ago.

    The way He laughs and calls me “Ms. Garcia”

    When I took that long ass paragraph I hastily wrote, erased it and sent one line. Because I am better than that.

    Saying what I feel, mean and doing so without fear or hesitation.

    Receiving a photo of a gift I gave a past love and observing that even now, decades later, there is a still a piece of me that harbors that wide eyed, romantic innocence.

    When you discover another layer of commonality and something special in the least expected places. Sometimes in something as simple as a shared love of baked goods.

    Sunday morning chisme session phone calls with friends over coffee.

    The secondhand excitement when others in your life get a taste of joy.

    Learning to be ok with uncertainty and not needing to know everything.

    When you can feel the smile that the mask is concealing.

    When you’re reminded how small the world can be by chance and coincidence.

    Laughter clad Mario Kart battles.

    When the new mantra is “you don’t owe them shit”

    Breaking patterns I was conditioned to accept as normal when they sure as fuck weren’t.

    Shared understandings, deepened connections and new rituals.

    Earnest exchanges in the form of words of adoration.

    Repotting my plants on the kitchen floor without a care of how dirty it got me.

    Strolling in an empty, flower clad garden center with nothing but my music in my ears.

    Scoring a free soft serve cone that was consumed in the open trunk of my car as I fed the parking lot crows.

    Feeling peace even when you have to make rights that feel wrong and knowing you’re right in them.

    Huddling over the one menu to decide what we’re going to order.

    The Friendly.

    When the growth is palpable… and I’m reminded just how far I have come despite the unspeakable grossness I’ve had to endure.

    Daydreaming about plots to new and far away places… and what it will be like when we share the same set of stars.

    Drawing boundaries like swords in battle because I will not tolerate unkind, uncalled for and disappointing behavior.. from anyone. That’s what worth feels and looks like and I deserve better.

    How goddamn proud my kid makes me. Every day.

    Taking the baby steps towards being better no matter how hard a step it is to take because life is such a gift and I need to let it expand in my lungs.

    Picking out paint swatch colors for my room.

    Knowing the cord is still wrapped around His wrist.

    Making wishes on the same shooting star.

    Black cat snores and the claws that hang on to me.

  • infernally

    because when it comes to these matters
    when you get to know, have or experience even a fragment of me
    you will unequivocally know I am…

  • the intimacy of…

    A comfortable silence

    When they know how you take your coffee, perfectly

    Being accepted as you are, without hope or agenda

    A handwritten letter

    Knowing when something smells distinctly like someone you know

    Warming your hands in their hoodie pockets

    Attention to detail

    Going somewhere that instantly feels like home

    Having your hair washed by someone other than you

    When you reach for the same thing, at the same time as someone else

    Letting someone try your beverage met with eye contact

    “I saw/heard this and it made me think of you”

    Waking to your cat sleeping on your chest

    Shared understandings that require no explanation

    Uncontrollable laughter through tears

    Pressing lips into unconventional places

    Crying with company

    Hearing “I miss you” in a manner you can feel in your bones

    The blanket being pulled over you after you fell asleep

    Plucking an eyelash off their face so they can make a wish off of it

    Wearing a garment that doesn’t belong to you

    A hand on your back as they walk past you

    Inside jokes that no one will ever fully understand besides those in the know

    Enthusiastic consent

    Simultaneously cracking the sugar on the crème brûlée with our spoons

    Sincere gratitude

    Meeting, giving to and rewarding yourself

    Your name in their penmanship and escaping their breath

    Wearing your bruises like an intentionally painted canvas

    When you part ways with something you love… for the final time

    Knowing they’ve changed you forever in the best of ways

    Hearing “message me when you’re home so I know that you’re safe”

    Deliberately ordering different things so the table can taste everything

    My art on your walls

    Surrender

    The wide-eyed wonder of experiencing a first time ever

    Sharing books

    Getting ready in the same space

    Deep, platonic love

    Not having to keep score

    Splitting one slice of cake, multiple utensils

    Sharing an umbrella in a downpour

    A door being opened for you

    Knowing we’re both thinking the same thing, but it goes unspoken

    The loyalty of a kept promise

  • unraveling

    If there’s something I am shown time and time again, is that there will always be light in the darkest of corners, if we allow ourselves to open the windows and doors enough to let it in.

    Everything reveals itself when you no longer accept mediocre exchanges and baseline efforts.

    The planting of seeds in glorious beds.

    An entanglement that unravels its threads.

    A bloom surfacing and being pried apart through ashes and earth to unfold into her Self.

    A revelation: flowers attract bees, instead of flies… with… well, you know.

    This moment in Venus has been something else.

  • intentions

    • Detoxify from the noise. Watch, read and follow what and who contribute something toward your growth, progress and happiness.
    • Water and cultivate the things that bring you joy.
    • Don’t hold out on the nicer things just for special occasions. You deserve special all the time. Give them to yourself.
    • Support establishments and businesses that align with your ethics and ethos.
    • Give to the ones that show up. No more real estate to tenants that aren’t in escrow.
    • If there is no return on your investment, it’s bankruptcy for the soul. Your time is worth gold.
    • Cull that “friends” list. Unfriending and/or blocking is vital to protect your peace. Not all of those “friends” want the best for you and social media connections are not a unit of measure for quality.
    • Don’t wait for it or them.
    • Speak to and about yourself in a kinder manner.
    • Give yourself the grace you give others.
    • Write the unsent letter. Burn it and release the ashes to the sea. Rid yourself of those feelings they didn’t deserve.
    • Amplify your sense of gratitude.
    • It is beyond ok to say no without an explanation or apology.
    • Foster a greater sense of empathy and compassion.
    • Focus on your part of the equation, it’s the only thing you have control over.
    • Kindness is free. Use it often.
    • Sit with it before you choose to respond.
    • More living, less apologies.
    • When you’re projected on, remember that’s their shit and you don’t have to take it on. Their behavior will always say more about them than it ever will about you. Your truth will always be a shield from misplaced blame.
    • Ask for help when you really need it. The right ones will show up for you.
    • If you have to tell them how you want and need to be treated, they’re not the kind of people that belong in your life.
    • Pay compliments often.
    • Tell them you love them…. more.
    • Honor: your space, what your body and mind implore for, your integrity, her/their space and growth.
    • You don’t owe anyone shit, or your silence.
    • Read and finish the books on your nightstand.
    • You don’t “have to” do anything you don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable with.
    • Don’t believe in empty apologies with unmatched behavior.
    • Better yet, don’t wait for apologies that will never arrive. Forgive yourself instead.
    • Say “thank you” and “I appreciate you”. Often.
    • Scratch off a couple items on the “I always wanted to do/try/go there” list.
    • The relationship with Yourself will always be your greatest love story.
    • Have the days you deserve and the nights you want.

  • MMXXI

    And just like that 2021 comes to a close. It’s interesting how a year can go by so fast yet drag at tortoise speed. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t yet another challenging year but I seek comfort in the fact that a lot of those feelings were collective. A whole lot of fight or flight and survival mode. Adjustments to new ways of life on so many levels.

    What a timeline to be living, pandemic year two. And yet despite the hardships and force to adjust to whatever our new reality is, I still managed to make the best of what and where I could.

    2021, A Recap

    A roof over our heads, in a city we love that continues to grace us with spectacular sunsets and wonderful neighbors who look out for us like family.

    Grateful to have work that allows me do so from home.

    We were lucky enough to have our health, for the most part.

    We welcomed our danger noodle Lucifer into our home

    Covid vaccines, too many covid tests, more than one close call for my own comfort.

    We celebrated her 15th and my 47th year of life.

    Reza graduated middle school, got their septum pierced, went back to in person school for Freshman year of High School at a school we really wanted them to go to.

    The medicinal nature of being able to see and hug friends again.

    A last minute visit from Catherine.

    Sharing meals and Chicano Park with my birthday twin.

    Car rides for slushies filled with laughter, singing and attitude

    So many beautiful meals.

    The long time e-friends I got to meet in person FINALLY. The deepened connections with existing ones. The new friends I’ve made and the ones that sloughed off like dead skin.

    Finding beauty in so many of the often overlooked little things.

    Exercising boundaries like a motherfucker.

    A short trip to NC that ended in a heinous visit to the ER for a kidney stone. Painful as absolute fuck. But I got a piece of Sara + James to take home with me.

    Overseas exchanges of laughter, exquisitely worded banter and worship.

    Fell in love with the use of color, caring for plants, arranging flowers, journaling and making a home.

    Another solo art show called Encanto and all of it was incredibly well received. You have no idea how hard it was to create this one throughout all the struggles of the year.

    The cats celebrated their 10th birthday with Us.

    Continued but not surprising disappointments.

    Went out on some really beautiful and fun dates.

    Made my name change official.

    Found a deeper value in the quiet of my own company.

    One too many jokes about ass with the Heaux. Shai Hulud Ronald.

    The taste of shared truth, vulnerability, accountability, new connection dynamics, mutual respect and admiration

    Liberty Station in the rain.

    Knowing I can care about and miss someone but not have them be in my life anymore because they’re just not good for my healing or growth.

    Watching R mature and grow into a pretty exceptional person.

    Raised the bar.

    Singing Selena on a pulmonia with Liz

    Tears that encapsulated so many different emotions and for so many different reasons. And allowed myself to honor those feelings.

    The awareness that arrived when those blinders really came off.

    Road tripping, singing, camping, hiking and crying in Death Valley with Ginny.

    Deleted old FB accounts for good.

    Accepted and practiced the art of present living as best I could.

    Our monthly couch session of re-watching Disney favorites.

    A trip to Mazatlan to see my Parents that was hard, necessary, grounding and perspective giving (this is a whole other post that I am not quite ready for just yet)

    The strength in Coven numbers that surround me with their excellent friendship, support and loyalty.

    Missed Bee way too much and it sucks that we just don’t know when we will be able to travel. It is the longest I have gone without seeing her.


    Favorite Albums:
    De Doorn – Amenra
    Engine Of Hell – Emma Ruth Rundle
    Billie Eilish – Happier Than Ever
    An Evening With Silk Sonic – Silk Sonic

    Songs That Were On Heavy Repeat:
    Smokin’ Out The Window – Silk Sonic
    Happier Than Ever – Billie Eilish (what an anthem)
    Hand Out The Drugs – Kite
    Ogentroost – Amenra
    American Money – Børns
    Brain – Banks
    Running Up That Hill – Meg Myers
    and more…

    Scents:
    Riding Crop by Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab
    Fantabulosa on his letter
    baking bread
    Jonny Cota Parfum
    cedar + balsam
    anything Sleepy by LUSH

    The weather thwarted my usual pilgrimage to Sunset Cliffs to see the last sunset of the year. However, I do get to spend my NYE alone, at home with my cats. Being out doesn’t feel comfortable or right to be honest. Now, a ritual bath and the writing of my intentions for 2022 on the other hand? Absolutely.

    If there’s one thing that pandemic life has taught me is that everything can change often and exponentially. Let’s see where we go from here, day to day, hour to hour. Right here.

    xo

  • mzt

    because mama, mama I’m coming home…

  • bury

    It’s interesting to see things from ages ago. The faces I used to make, the company I kept, the manner in which I used to see and navigate the world. I’ve spent months contemplating what to do with old social media accounts that I deactivated several years ago. They just sit there collecting e-dust. Untouched. For a while I just liked to pretend it wasn’t there because the idea of it was daunting. There was so much there for me to endure. Nothing but memories that felt like daggers every time I saw them.

    I guess that’s where the growth is in ways, because for once in a great while, I could look at the photos, the messages, and it not cut as deep as it used to because the truth is, this is where we are now. Is it a bummer? Absolutely. I can’t help but ask myself how I managed to get here. I mean, I know why but it’s a real mindfuck. How do you go from being someones friend or lady, to the diminutive adjectives used in the place where my name used to be? And just like that, we are strangers once more.

    Nothing like skimming through decades+ worth of imagery and words to send you back to wonderful moments, the color of your life, the moments you forgot about and the sometimes dark that hid behind smiles. The lies that so many of us tell ourselves for the need to keep up the facade and expectations. Instead of being honest about how messy we all can be. I was done with that and now more than ever, it resonates even harder. I’m messy and complex… but so much more honest with myself.

    I miss writing, reading and somewhere along the lines I fell prey to the drugs of attention and empty validations. It isn’t what I am about and in hindsight, never was. The great distraction and I thought I knew it all. The mirror we look away from because what looks back isn’t its best.

    In any event the files were requested and as soon as I obtain them, I plan for a full on delete. I am fucking tired of the fb machine and how unproductive it has become. Not when I have art to create, things to say in person or in written form and a lot more authentic living to be doing.

    Time to build something better.

  • twas the night before

    Xmas is a week away but the past 24 hours have been mine. This will be the first one in 15 years that I don’t get to spend it with my kid. It makes me sad but they understand why. The beauty of it all is that tradition is what we make of it and I’ve always been kind of a rule breaker anyway. We adjust the sails and course to the wind.

    Last night we went to see Ghostbusters Afterlife, the first time we had set foot in a theater since 2019. It’s such an unsettling feeling especially since we have been so cautious with public outings. But we got a relatively empty theater, snuggled up and watched a perfectly done film that hit us in the laughs and tears all at once. I forgot how much I enjoy our adventures, even when they’re the simplest of moments like holding hands and squeezing them when another moment of nostalgia kicked us in the feels box.

    They got to open gifts from me this morning. Not a whole lot but things I knew they needed and really wanted. A lunch date, finding a rad copy of one of their holy grails at the record store, and now I wake with the whole household piled up on the couch, from a nap in the light of our spooky tree and the last Full Moon of 2021.

    I hope they know that every day with them is my Christmas morning and I’m fortunate enough to have had so many of those. They really has no idea how utterly grateful I am for it and them and no amount of colorfully wrapped boxes pieced together with tape can ever measure up to the time we get to share in the most crucial of their years. Or maybe they do? Happiest of Yules my Darling.

    I have a trip home to make in the next couple of days. I’m nervous as fuck about it on so many counts. Another first since January 2019, a pandemic that continues, a confrontation with the realities of the mortal coil. Every visit made is one step closer to the possibility that it could be the last time I see my Mother breathing. What remains of her, anyway. A bittersweet journey, and one of the many heavy loads I have been carrying as of late but most people don’t know, or care to understand.

    I don’t speak about a lot of things publicly, not how I used to. I had a lot of reasons not to, still do. My peace and their privacy being the biggest motivators. There is a lot to be said about the ideas of perception and reality. I don’t care about said perceptions and haven’t for a great while. I am used to taking the hits, blame and finger pointing for things I had zero play in and that isn’t something that has changed and sadly, won’t. But if there’s one thing I will not do anymore of is be subdued while traveling on my avenue of Truth. I don’t owe that shit to anyone, especially when Respect Blvd. was turned into a one way street.

    These corners were dusty for a great while, it’s time to do things a little bit differently.

    feliz navidad.

  • tis the season for…

    beautiful meals and holiday themed libations with excellent company

    the bittersweet anticipation of a looming pilgrimage home

    when plans go as hoped for, if not better

    Our mutual respect, admiration and appreciation

    frozen yogurt runs and bouncing to music with Them in the car

    plush socks and a winter storm

    rain and a xmas tree

    when that karmic retribution finally arrives

    when I crack open my journal to Your letter falling out

    warm mugs in cold hands

    conversations that flow like smooth lubrication

    in tears holding Their hand to a chorus of gay men singing holiday songs

    “hand out the drugs” by Kite. on repeat, in the rain

    Coven reinforcements who remind me I don’t have to do it alone

    holiday cards arriving in the mail

    knowing I don’t have to pretend or fake it till I make it

    being met where I am

    the girl and I making holiday gifts in the kitchen to Silk Sonic’s “fly as me”

    singing Megan Thee Stallion with R and their friend in the car

    sleeping familiars on my desk as I work

    eggnog flavored nonsense

    when you feel a connection plunge into a more profound depth

    when I now find humor in things that used set me off

    group chat inside jokes (love you bitches)

    witnessing my squad reap the rewards of all their hard work

    candid conversations filled with perfectly imperfect humanity

    homemade lemon meringue sugar body scrub

    the BEST neighbors

    the sound of His voice so vivid I could feel the sparkle and smiles when it finally arrived

    smell of: cedar + balsam, Fantabulosa, fireplace from outside

    revelry in Our devilry.