life

The block of time between April and May, without fail, has always been a flux of significance in my life. It’s when I got married, when that all came to a demise, when I started my new lease on life… I reflect a lot around this time of the year and well, this year wasn’t short of monumental memories and life changing events.

I road tripped on my own through rain, mountains, snow and wildflower clad desert (on the same day!) to spend time with Ginny in Arizona. On my way there I stopped near the dunes where I had my massive femur fracture accident. I didn’t expect to have feelings about that but I did. How can I not? I almost bled to death in that swath of sand and the fact I stood near there 37 years later, limbs intact, isn’t lost on me. Ginny took me to visit Saguaro National Park – got to see some petroglyphs, Rattlesnake Bridge, tons of ridiculously cool cacti & chipmunk butts. The company, laughs and eats were supreme. I’m so ridiculously proud of her for so many things. I really need to tell her more.

Days after coming home from Arizona, Stephen came to visit – getting to see him after 3 years was medicinal. There’s a lot to be said for reconnection with those who have known you, and stood by you, for almost half your life. Shortly after he went home, the call we knew was coming arrived. “She’s gone”.

Life sure has a way of stacking you up with emotionally challenging moments and while I had years to prepare for it, it doesn’t really hit you until that moment comes. My Mom suffered entirely way too long from Alzheimer’s and her life came to an end on April 18th. A mere week away from her and my Dad’s 60th wedding anniversary. I have been intending on writing something a bit more formal to summarize her and her life but it has been such an absolute whirlwind of emotional chaos, while trying to work, parent, processing difficulty and all while trying to keep your head above water at the same time? Yeah. Not quite ready for that one.

We knew it would be like this. The call, the hustle to get home, the saga of a last minute journey to Mazatlan, funerary service and the novela-like comedy that came with it. Let’s face it, when it comes to Mexican Familia, it will always be interesting especially when it’s mine. All things considering we all managed to get there as timely and as best we could considering the logistical nightmare of my family being scattered everywhere. And while the circumstances were not ideal, getting to be in the same place as my sisters, niece, child and my Dad and Tia all at once has its special place – and we brought levity where we could with good eats and getting to sink my toes in some Pacific kissed sand.

Grief is such a complicated and complex emotion and everyone processes it so differently. I will say that this version of me certainly handled things a lot differently than old me would have but having Reza there with me was a full circle moment that meant so much to me. My outlook on death, rite and ritual allowed me to find and truly glimpse into Mom’s transition, even if it was hard to look at that mortality because it shared my features and felt the grit and ash of her remains on my fingertips.

She was there when we arrived into the world and we were there to see her leave it. It is one of the most poignant and beautiful moments of my life. It didn’t really hit me hard until we were departing on the plane, I’m listening to The National and sitting next to my own child – absolutely ready to come home and start healing. Tears in my eyes and her hand over mine. This one is going to take a while.

A common theme for me in everything right now is “surrender”. Right now, I am in retreating and cocooning. I’m exhausted of being seen as strong. Or how people keep adding more daggers to my already heavy rotation of juggling because they think I can handle it. These hands are bloody and tired – I long and ache for more travel, adventure, seeing new things, reveling in everything beautiful. And being in fight or flight all the time is bone breaking and unsustainable. There is a pang that there is something larger on my horizon and as scary and heartbreaking as it is, and will be, I need to let things develop and unfold the way they’re meant to instead of trying to swim against the current.

In the words of El Guapo, “you cannot force open the petals of a flowarrrre”. I unravel on my terms these days. One thing I will say: I have really paid close attention in the past two months about who understands and shows up. Selflessly. My family and chosen family are something else and I am so fucking fortunate for it and them.

I am so fucking loved.

Oh! And I got to see The Cure for the 4th time with my birthday twin B! It was Reza’s first time and I am stoked we got to share that one. Core memory: Unlocked!

The day crept in and then the reminder arrived. Three years ago today I was released from the legal confines of marriage. I won’t say it has been an easy journey, in fact, it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and one of the most painful experiences I have had to endure. In ways, it still is. Grief from demise and emotional trauma aren’t things you just forget about, you just learn to carry them differently, especially when it’s something you do for more than just yourself. Yet there’s lessons in hardship and beauty in transformation.

I have learned so much about myself in the past four years… lessons of trust, loyalty (or lack thereof) and even amongst the rubble of a destroyed home I managed to find my capacity to endure, love and overcome. To allow myself to be cared for. A better version of the woman I am and continue to become. A cluster of gemstone hidden in the mud that needed to come to the surface and a lot of polishing. Just because we heal from things doesn’t mean that we’re not allowed to have emotions about them – and I have a vast array, no doubt. They’re mostly reflective and a lot less disappointment than I used to carry.

The calm that arrives after the storm is worth sailing enraged seas. Sure, there will be casualties along the way, but the journey continues because sometimes we elect to change the course for the life we deserve, instead of settling for the one we had. And that arrival is so worth it. This path is peacefully lush. Romantic, living & breathing poetry. I am so glad that choosing the harder path at the fork in the road led to this upgraded version of life. The skies parted and there is so much more light.

Happy Anniversary.

Spring arrived. Does it feel like it? Yes. Does it look like it? No. 12 atmospheric rivers (and counting) and while I love rain, I don’t want it for months at a time. I am all for the green and wildflower blooms but the dark and crispy skies weigh. So much for that “sunshine tax”. Regardless, the sunshine is inside these days – I find it in those little pleasures, serious self care, my family, a new scent on my skin, new songs – shit, even the old ones that take on new meaning, R’s laughter behind the closed bedroom door, His sense of wonder, the self worth I see, exude and won’t apologize for anymore… even if I have to break my own heart sometimes.

The 3rd anniversary of covid lockdown came and went – and if it wasn’t for that and the impact it created for very different reasons, none of us would be where we are in this moment. It’s a mind fuck. Lockdown forced me to look at myself, sit with myself. When you’re walking around with a gaping wound and heart hanging out of your chest, there is potential for so much disaster. This cataclysmic event forcibly kept me from what could have been some serious mistakes. I learned, grew and expanded. It gifted me some really beautifully life altering connections and experiences that I know in my core, would never have happened unless… Would I take it back if I could? I think I already know that answer.

Recently someone special to me turned the corner of another completion around the Sun and it sparked dialog about age and growing older. Maybe it’s the inner peace I have found in recent years, the grips with my own age and seeing how life can be so fleeting in the process, but I have really taken on a new perspective with the whole idea of age. When society does nothing but want to fight the process by trying to preserve youth – and condemns maturity with disposability, I can’t help but want to treat the process with a little bit more respect. I have literally been on death’s door more than once and the fact I am still here isn’t lost on me. I’m fortunate to have made it this far. This is a privilege. I see the women in my life approach their own journeys with reverence, agency and wisdom, and we share in it unapologetically. This doesn’t mean I am ready to surrender to the grey just yet but being where and who I am, in this moment, isn’t such a bad place to be all things considering.

It never ceases to amaze me that even at this point in my life, there are still so many firsts I have yet to experience. And yet somehow, little by little, those “firsts” are claimed or given away. How He manages to consistently check those boxes off without as much as an ask speaks volumes. I guess this is what happens when you commune with devils instead of mortals. They’re Yours.

Some of the greatest medicine comes in the form of having something to look forward to. I just happen to have many doses. Getting visits from some of my best friends I haven’t seen in forever? Taking my baby to see The Cure? The plotting of the Next Great Adventure? Yes. Please.

Warmth, reunion and emergence are on the horizon.

Traveled: Mazatlan, Las Vegas, Barcelona (fuck, just getting to travel again is a gift within itself)

Saw Live: Amenra, Billie Eilish, My Chemical Romance, Youth Code

Bucket list ✔️: First trip to Europe/Barcelona, Museo Dalí Figueres, The Lion King Broadway production 

Notable Moments: 
Trip to Disneyland for Reza’s first Bat’s Day on Mother’s Day 
Monet Live art installation 
Sharing Art Alive with M. and watching him check off some really big things.
Long overdue reunions with Bee and Carolin who I hadn’t seen in years.
Overdue time with friends.
My new passport getting a glorious pair of stamps
Visits and eats with my birthday twin.
Crying with Reza at the MCR show.
Catching COVID after 2.5 years of evasion (10/10 don’t recommend)
Mazatlan with my Sisters
Got a new tattoo 
That even at this point in my life, I still get to feel and experience beautiful “first time evers”
The unspoken language of flowers and intimate poetry 
Watching and helping Ginny move to her new, out of state chapter 
Kept most of my plants alive!
Every moment of the Barcelona travel magic we had. Story and trip of a lifetime.
Stolen breaths behind and on a gothic cathedral wall
So many wonderful sunsets
Reza turned 16, Lucifer 1, Gomez & Judas 11, me? 48. Damn.
Watching my people get their due slice of happy.

Music

My 22′ Release Favs (in no order):
The Weeknd “Dawn FM”
L.S. Dunes “Past Lives”
Night Sins “Violet Age”
Beyonce “Renaissance”
Crosses ††† “Permanent Radiant”
Holy Fawn “Dimensional Bleed”
SZA “S.O.S.”
My Chemical Romance “The Foundations of Decay” (a single that I played into oblivion)
Author & Punisher “Krüller”
The 1975 “Being Funny In A Foreign Language”
And honestly? Discovering older things I hadn’t given a chance

The highlights were fucking brilliant… especially after the absolute shit shows that 20/21 were. Gotta love the abject stupidity of a pandemic to put so many things to a halt. They weren’t all bad and brought so many eye opening perspectives and life changing connections. But 22′, what can I say? She was a semblance of a little bit of normalcy, whatever it is we call “normal” these days. Regardless of which, this year was a squinty eyed emergence on the horizon and a bit of fresher air after being stuck in an airlock.

She was risk and reward, lessons of trust, faith and surrender. She was a limit testing, breath stealing, emotionally challenging, heart swelling, tear inducing, blood racing, blasphemously delicious blur. I’m so grateful I got to see and feel so much of it and that a lot of those moments were shared. I cried a hell of a lot – sometimes from sadness, happiness, joy, pleasure. Sometimes all of the above. And sometimes it was from the jagged edges of disappointment.

On the morning of New Year’s Day 2023 I opened my list of hopes and intentions I wrote the year before. It has become one of my New Year rituals. I was pleasantly surprised to see that a handful of those things came to fruition. They were things I worked and sought to make reality and boy, did they come true in beautiful ways. On the other hand there were things I didn’t even come close to touching and perhaps that is where I am being called to focus this year. I keep coming back to words like: more. abundance. desire. manifest. ease. gentle. And perhaps that is how I will approach the year to come, with unapologetic truth and the mouth to match.

After what seems like it was never going to happen, My Chemical Romance finally did. Reza and I had a pre-birthday trip to Las Vegas to go to the show and while it was a quick jaunt back and forth, we had a great time. There were a ton of tears, everywhere. It just makes all the difference when you go to a show and the love for the band is not only mutually shared, but it was like that with the whole building. It was super special and I am so glad I got to not only able to do that, finally, but share yet another of many firsts with Them. The show ending with crying and hugging to “cancer” is a core memory I soon won’t forget.

Reza turned 16. It has been an absolute blur of time and while it has gone by faster than expected, I am grateful that I have been able to stay a consistent fixture in all of these years for Them. It hasn’t been without its challenges and blows, but I know it will matter so much down the road. I just love this kid so fuckin’ much.

What do you like? Need? How? What unsettles you? How can I do/be/try? I am not used to being on the receiving end of thoughtful and selfless of that caliber. And being able to answer them without fear of judgement or repercussion? Fuck. And when these questions come from men? An entire mind fuck. Unpacking trust issues is a whole lot of something for me but slowly and surely I am allowing myself to lower that drawbridge. It is not easy but I sit with the discomfort and try. I just don’t do it so freely anymore. People have no idea how much power there can be in words when they’re fueled with sincerity and surrender. There is so much in the ask, just as much as the answer – if not more.

Halloween/Muertos came and went. R was Patrick Bateman and absolutely killed it. I on the other hand have been opting for full blown hermit mode. Odd for me, I know, considering this is my favorite holiday and season. I have some things in the works that are just so meaningful and big (for me) and this year, sitting out potential exposure risks outweighed festivities. Setting up the altar was an emotional one this time around – my gut tells me next year there will be an addition. It’s not morbid to accept reality… doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. The sky being lit ablaze on Halloween night was not lost on me.

November has always been a reflective time of year for me. The end of yet another trip around the sun, weeks shy of turning 48. This one will come and go just as quickly, no doubt, but there’s a lot to think of, look forward to, do, and my god… I cannot wait for every transformative second of it. I have been a hell of a lot more private about so many things because I have come to discover time and time again that there will always be someone willing to project their fears and nonsense onto you. Not that I am closed off to contradictory opinions, I am just not here for people with no first hand experiences trying to set the tone for shit they know nothing about. I am not here for hive mind mentality. What I am here for are meaningful experiences and connections – especially when I get to share them with the caliber of those who get it.

Recently someone told me that those big moves, the risks, the stepping outside of the comfort zone… while scary, are also where the growth is. I seek it. I invite it. I will it.

Looking back at my track record, I can’t say I disagree.

Saying those really hard goodbyes. Bee is always one of the hardest but all of the Familia Time was soul healing and necessary.

Reza and I went to see The Lion King broadway production and it was everything that I dreamt of and more. It was goosebump, tear inducing beauty. So glad I shared that experience with R. bucket list ✔️

Being a Costco Chillona™ with Ginny. Man, that woman is the kind of woman so many people wish they could call “friend”. She may be friend to some but to me she is family and watching her evolve, grow and transcend…. you fucking WISH you had that kind of force of nature within your hemisphere. I am fortunate enough to have that and more. traviesas4lyfe.

90 day fiancee trash sessions, rare steak and sweating my ass off with my Birthday Twin who was a total delight to host. Easy and respectful house guests make the world go ’round. Sometimes dating apps give you best friends. Who would have thought?!

Early Grey roses. Where have these been all my life?! Haunting. A pale shade of lavender grey like the way lips change colors from a final breath of life. The way the Atlantic looked at me for the first time or perhaps the way the sky looks before she is about to part with fury. That’s what they spoke to me before I even brought them home.

Aubergine shaded tresses for Fall because Jason wills it so.

La Jolla Cove tidepool toe dipping on a scorching day.

Plan solidification for the next adventure that no doubt will be transformational. I am absolutely jumping out of my skin for all of it.

The way the Coven rallies for one another. We lost another coven familiar this week and my heart breaks for our girl who was, and still is the best cat mom ever.

Something I have been really coming to terms with is teaching myself to trust vulnerable exposure with others. Holy fuck is it a hard thing to do. It is not comfortable in any way and to have it welcomed with open arms free of judgement? My ladies got me in all my tender facets. The more I surround myself with positive male influence, be it friends, partners, lovers… the more I come to terms on where so many things had gone wrong for me. I would like to think that I have overcome some of those wounds but every now and then one of them inadvertently step in my mine field that was left behind. Mines I didn’t even know were there… and then the chain reaction goes off. I thankfully have the wherewithal to recognize it’s not about *them* but more about *me*. And that’s when the shovel comes out to start filling the holes back up… with healthier things. When you get used to the being treated with dismissal and invalidation and then you don’t? When you’re treated from a place of complete trust, consent, respect for my safety? Talk about a mind fuck. The best kind of fuck. And as much as it feels frightening, I’m allowing myself because it’s what I need and deserve until this muscle is nice enough to flex.

When I’m poetically written about.

Unexpected and necessary rainfall and the petrichor it unearthed. I took myself outside and stood in it. No cares about how wet I got, or how frizzy it made me. There’s something utterly medicinal in rainwater, freshly painted toes and bare feet on wet concrete. It was a baptism and cleansing this Harvest Moon eve knew I needed.

When R and I get chills and tears from the exact same moments.

Resuming back to some semblance of normalcy. Routine can be beautiful and grounding, too.

Pairing the perfect fragrance/song/mood to the weather. Today it was Jonny Cota Parfum + Echo and The Bunnymen’s “ocean rain” + longing + summer sprinkles.

Your port in my heavy storms
Harbours the blackest thoughts.

When that song comes on that I wish I could share with you but I can’t and don’t. So maybe I will smile or cry or perhaps? Both. Not from sadness though, because I know we’re free. Today it was a Soft Kill.

Our neighbor community that I will never stop pinching myself over. This space and the people around it has held R+I up in so many ways.

I am getting really tired of people with no boundaries thinking I am like them. Please don’t come at me with things I never asked for or chose not to share with you. And it being paired with passive aggressive comments, manipulation or excuses is something I am not here for. I can smell that shit a mile away now. I may share a lot but when it comes to the those things and people I hold ultra close, I keep those things private or in the confines of trust for a reason. Fostering emotional safety is a goal. My peace is fucking important and I protect it, fiercely. There is always going to be someone who wants to roll up and shit on your lawn when all you’re trying to do is hold your keep only to get gaslit when I say “hey, not cool” or perhaps say nothing at all. I am fucking exhausted and honestly, heartbroken. I know where my place and level are. I wish I could say the same about everyone else.

When you’d rather be told you look “happy” instead of “good”. Lately observations about my “glow” have escaped the mouths of others and I can’t help but beam more because I know how it got there. A month late from the anniversary of my mental break from 4 years ago… and I forgot about it, which I guess is a testament of the tremendous and painstaking effort I have sunk into healing myself. Because looking forward is a much better place to be, even if I have to look over my shoulder from time to time.

Today a core memory was made. I was listening to the new Holy Fawn album. A rare San Diego summer storm was coming down thanks to Tropical Storm Kay. I knew it was coming. I opened up the envelope in my dripping doorway. And there I am, looking back at myself, and wept profusely. A proverbial shower of salt and sky and my new passport in between my fingertips. Drenched. It may not feel like a monumental thing to anyone else but this was the very last piece of a former life that needed changing. The weight of seeing a name you don’t identify with anymore is a heavy one and today is not that day. Not anymore or ever because Garcia is who I am. It’s who I always was. The first stamp that’s going in this baby is going to be glorious.

The return from Mexico has been an absolute whirlwind of experience and reconnection. You don’t realize just how much you crave and require specific things until they’re slapping you across the face, in the best of ways. A bunch of moments…

A brief one day visit + sushi with my birthday twin – looking forward to having him back here.

Tears, hugs and a WAY overdue reunion with my Helga. 20+ years of friendship with Carolin and god, it was so good to see her and have a little time doing all the things and while the visit was also short-lived, it was a reminder that this needs to happen more often. Three years was just way too long.

After 3 years, Coven Garcia was finally under the same roof for one more moment before Bee flies back to Japan this coming week, which I am so not ready for. It was so good to be surrounded by Familia as much as I have as of late and while it had not the best circumstances attached to it, we made the best of it.

Amenra. Live. I haven’t been to a show in a good while, much less a metal show that absolutely destroyed me in the best of ways. Fucking phenomenal and getting to share that with My Florist made it even more special. There is something so undeniably magical and medicinal in sharing a “first” with someone who is equally as enthusiastic about it as you. And it being a reunion after a 2 month gap was just a breath of fresh air I needed in my lungs. I missed Him.

Solidified the plans to check off some huge bucket list items. I am absolutely crawling out of my skin. Long gone are those days of waiting for someone else to do these things for me. I want it? I’m getting it. I deserve. Time doesn’t stop for anyone so the gifts of experience and adventure are around the corner.

After much discussion and approval, I moved R over to a new High School. I am grateful to be zoned for some good options and I feel good about this change because freshman year was balls and they need more options and stimuli. It was very much a big lesson in sometimes things seem right for us and it’s ok to say “this isn’t working” and moving on. First day is tomorrow.

And the rest…

Flowers + beans
Halloween loot hunting (aka home decor season)
Still very much dealing with joint + muscle flares from getting covid and I am not happy about the prolongation. This blows.
24 hr diner parking lot smooches
Getting to see several friends I haven’t seen in FOREVER.
Taking that last shard of my SSRI and hoping it can stay that way. I worked hard for this.
Having an “our thing”
Being called “cutie” in a British accent. holy hell. my parts.
Lucifer getting a mansion enclosure upgrade.
Post metal hand holding
When you expect the worst only to be pleasantly surprised.
Driving past the spot where former words of love were spoken for the first time and it not stinging anymore.
Sending and receiving snail mail goodies.
Compersion
Overdue embraces
Looking forward to the new routine and going back to the damn gym.
teddy bear sunflowers
90 mph on an empty freeway, windows down, hair everywhere and Ogentroost. Loud.

July came and went. How is it that more than half a year has already passed? It certainly wasn’t a boring one that’s for damn sure…

Waking up to new music/album announcements from one of your favorite bands

Warming your cold, bare feet on toasty, sunlit concrete

When a flurry of art is sent your way because seeing it reminded Him of You.

Tam Dao scented 1930’s courtship under a tangerine quarter moon ~ I forget how utterly delicious it is to compose and send letters, even more when I know how eager the intended hands are to hold them. November cannot come soon enough to meet that sea with my earth.

The early jump on Halloween loot and finding the perfect spiderweb print bakeware.

The world may be falling apart in many ways but others are celebrating and finding excitement in things like the Webb Telescope images being released by NASA

The biggest full moon of the year

Chipping away at the list of those very big things.

Nostalgia fueled conversations founded in honesty.

Missing you. I fucking hate that I miss my friend that is no more and it sucks because it takes everything in me to not just call him up, or eviscerate him with my words and brown eyed vulnerability or tell him about all the times I have thought of us, how we would just fucking love to share [insert everything here]. Friendship loss is just as, if not as monumental as losing a partner and I cannot help but think about what we had often. I hate that this is where we are now but deep down in there I knew he was always going to be a blue eyed, walking heartbreak. It happened twice and I’m not in the business of third time’s the charm, no matter how much vacancy was left behind.

I have been working through some anger as of late. It really isn’t anger as much as it’s a shield for disappointment. It is so hard to stay hopeful when the world is overcome with this plague of abject selfishness. The amount of mental notes I have made as of late... scribbles…. “holy shit do not act like that, EVER”. And it’s wild to me just how easily people just unhinge their jaw in an effort to squash the small joys that others want or try to have. “Do they not hear themselves? jfc… it really isn’t that hard to keep scrolling”…

Long anticipated and beyond overdue reunions filled with airport tears. If you ever want to feel a bit of humanity, stand in baggage claim one day and watch people reconnect with their most cherished. Seeing Bee is a breath of fresh air.

Rekindling love with my creative muse, even if it’s a slow churning round of foreplay that I am getting heavily impatient for.. let’s get to that deep, clawing, unabashed fuck already.

How gold leaf now reminds us of one another.

Healthy love and care can only exist in places when you trust someone enough to travel down their own path, for the right reasons, for their growth – even if you cannot be a part of it. I hate those kinds of parting of ways and while it wasn’t a goodbye, it was an uncomfortable and sad moment that broke me inside a little. The silver lining there is the beauty in that discomfort because it’s pleading and gnawing at me to ask myself bigger questions about what I want, need and most of all? Deserve. This is a lot of unexplored territory for me.

A necessary weekend getaway to Rosarito which brings me to…

After 2.5 years of pandemic frogger, the child and I finally got the alligator log on the tail end of the month. Covid is a mind fuck, I can tell you that and when you’re dealing with a lot variables and uncertainty? Fuck. I ended up getting put on the antiviral treatment which pissed my delicate system off and my mouth felt and tasted like I had been sucking Tin Man dick.. for 5 days. It was awful. I have been in a serious pocket of feels with this one because nothing like having a ton of time to think (and overthink). I enjoy being alone, I enjoy my solitude immensely but there are fleeting moments where I do wish I wasn’t doing everything by myself and never is it more visible than when I am sick. And lord was I in it for a couple days there. A pocket of pain, nausea, fear and melancholy because sometimes, you just want someone else to take care of you for a change. True, selfless care. Not the kind of care that has emotional leverage attached to it. And when you are so used to doing everything? And not just for yourself? Asks are very hard to come by for me. Yet, somehow I have to force and allow myself to accept it because the amount of care and outpour I have received while recovering continues to be a testament to the circles and connections I have forged. It’s like opening the window and letting the light in even though you want shade. Holy shit is it uncomfortable. Nothing likes endless messages, bags of care, popsicles and my favorite mochi donuts just showing up on my doorstep to unravel a girl into a waterfall of tears. The timing of this contagion couldn’t have come at the worst time due to pending travel to see my family and my sister being here. There never really is a good time but this was most definitely Not. It. I want to hope that things will play out as they’re meant to and if not? Well, I can only do what I can, with what I have within my capacity. We can’t always get what we want all the time.

May the pink lines be singular soon.