Six years ago I signed and started my new lease on life. I didn’t have much to put in it but it was a place to call my own. Our own. For a while it was just a mattress on the floor but with years, hope, growth, a whole lot of challenges and wonderful, she’s brimming with magic and memories.
Sometimes the universe throws you the biggest gift when you need it the most – and fuck did I NEED this one. A win that came in the form of vaulted ceilings, glorious sunsets, art and echoes of music and laughter. It encases my evolution, journey and brought me back to versions of me I didn’t know I had. I’m so grateful for my little slice of the world and everything she has shown and given me. She is sanctuary.
These days I am more about looking forward, but sometimes it is also good to look back, if anything to remind me how far I have come.
While Summer is technically not over, and the evil heat orb outside certainly keeps reminding us of it, in my heart she’s done. It starts with R going back to school and Bee going back to Japan. While the time was nowhere near as long as I wished it could be, it’s always a blessing to have Bee back for laughs, her checklist of gluttony and just getting her energy gracing our home. The timing of this visit wasn’t lost on me since she was here for us when Judas got sick and having her support was a fucking gift. It’s almost like she waited for Bee to be here. Despite the lack of time, it was great to do the things we would usually do if she was here: a weekend in Baja, a tasty dinner at Cesarina (a new personal favorite), the traditional pilgrimage to In-N-Out straight from the airport.
R started her Senior year and it’s wild to think she will be 18 in a month. She’s already registered to vote! Where did the time go? That cusp of adulthood is a weird but also an enthralling thing to watch. It has already been a flurry of senior year “things” which will no doubt ramp up as the year progresses. Even seeing her in the cap and gown for her senior portraits was a punch in the feels. I don’t think she truly realizes or knows, despite my telling her, how proud I am of her. How grateful I am to even get to be a part of it all. To be present as much as I have in her formative years is a gift I could never get back. Yes, they came with a lot of turmoil and hardship, but it also has taught us both a lot about perseverance, accountability and what truly matters. Time is the greatest of thieves and I try my best not to squander it. I look forward to what the year to come brings for her. Parenting comes with no manual and I’d like to think I did good thus far, all things considering. I can only hope I have helped arm her with enough weaponry to navigate the next wave of life.
Summer was all about reunion and… departure. Truth be told, I miss my familiar. A month has gone by since Judas left us – not very long and an eternity all at once. I have my days where I make peace with her departure and it being the nature of things. Sometimes we don’t get all the time we hoped for. Her remains came back and holding what is left of her in my hands was gutting. Sometimes all it takes is something simple, a sound, a photo and I am a flood of tears all over again. Her absence is felt. I see it in the spaces that she once filled, now vacant. The stains in the door frames from where she rubbed her face remain. The box she last slept in, still sits on the bathroom floor – her brother is usually seen in it now. I can’t bring myself to remove them just yet. She is missed and it’s palpable. Entering a spooky season without my black cat and friend is just something a bruja should not have to endure. I am very lucky to be shown so much care and support in this process: the messages, notes, gifts, downpour of flowers. I am not sure what I have done to merit the abundance but I try not to question it and just embrace it.
I decided to take a break from the monarchs. It is a lot of work, milkweed is expensive (and they ate A LOT) and after losing Judas, my heart kind of needed a break to tend to me. I successfully hand reared and released a good 40 monarchs! Some didn’t make it that far, sadly. That said, it was a really rewarding and joyous thing to do. Especially taking care of Lt. Dan. All things considering I learned how to do something new! Definitely something I will be doing again when the time and season align.
+/- + Picking passion fruit in the front yard with my t-shirt as a basket + The smell of freshly cut grass + The way He says “Miss Garcia” that will never get old and daydreaming of our next convergence + Laughing and talking shit with Bee + Liz + Shopping with R and Mai and how R’s pants fell down at Joanne’s + The frequency of having Dinah so close + Mini-verse potions with R + Trying new things – and it working out + Parting ways with things that don’t serve me and just take up space – Not having travel plans this year + Plotting a Baba Yaga house for an upcoming art show + The looming possibility of very large change – Change can also be scary and nerve-wrecking – When people you haven’t seen or spoken to in years are still festering and gossiping about shit you supposedly did. + The flurry of colors the sky has been giving as of late – The unfairness of it all + Strolls through Home Goods stacked with Halloween loot. Free serotonin! + How good a liberal use of the block button feels +/- Optimism, even when it’s cautious + KAOS on Netflix was great – made want to do more Greek Mythology art + Lady Gaga + Bruno Mars duet. Talk about caliber vocals! + Ethel Cain and Chappell Roan on heavy rotation. + Plotting Fall, Halloween and birthday shenanigans (18+50! the. fuck.)
Simple culinary pleasures in the form of: soft boiled egg + toast + salt. *chef’s kiss* How quickly she jumped to band-aid my bleeding finger. Feeding watermelon to our pet disabled butterfly, Lieutenant Dan. Sitting at my art desk and using it for what it was intended. A jar of plastic molars & mini desk critters. Dumplings with long time friends & their progeny. People who always go out of their way to make time for you amidst a flurry of plans. Garden roses. When you can say “this has nothing to do with me” with certainty. Nursing, hatching and releasing monarch babies. Disneyland day with Reza and Mai. It was hot as shit but it was a fun time! Dark chocolate covered pistachios. When the pain/headache finally subsides. When your kid tells you they “believe in you” Getting to hug my Sister again, soon! 4 years of one of the most remarkable, delightful and handsome humans I get to know and love. The absolute delight in her face when we road tripped for Italian Ice and getting to scratch an itch to a piece of her childhood. Worth the drive, 100% Finishing and delivering art I am pleased with and watching it get promptly adopted.
When you know with certainty there are people who will always have your back in rooms you’re not physically in. Swapping photos of flirty handwritten notes. Releasing our first emerged monarch butterflies with my girls on a stunner of a day. I’m so glad they waited to hatch for when they were here because it was so special. 3 more emerged today! That makes 5 8 total so far! Inside Out 2 movie & In-N-Out date with R and our mutual gush over the same Disney trailers. Homemade hot fudge sundaes. Driving home at night, her recording the Sea World fireworks as “just like honey” plays in the car. Scoring a killer deal on good skincare. I am such a ho for a good sale. Being referred to as a “demon with the face of a pretty girl”. Crispy cross breezes on sunny days. You have never truly lived until you’ve cried in front of THE original piece of art you’ve always loved in a museum. Gratitude for our San Diego roots. Yes it’s expensive and also very worth working to be able to keep calling her Home. We are really lucky. “I missed your driving”. Summer sunsets. Jacaranda blooms. Trees filled with red-headed conure giving me Barcelona flashbacks. His audible delight in my ears. When your therapist has nothing but good things to say about your growth and progress. Farmers market flowers, Vietnamese coffee and oversized samosas. Mmmm. When Dad calls to gossip. An unlikely butterfly alliance with an 80-something handyman. Laughing with chosen family/friends who I’ve known for more than half my life – the fact that I share quality longevity with anyone is an immeasurable fortune. My summer playlist When an overdue haircut and color touch-up align on the same day and the results make you feel like several Benjamins. Compliments from random women. Lady compliments just *hit* The excitement in early Halloween merch drops A hometown gig for Blink-182 + Pierce The Veil at Petco Park with my girl – who got to check off another of her favorite bands off her list. Her excitement + our subsequent mariachi gritos + a really great firework and pyro filled show in the San Diego skyline = magic. I will never tire of doing these kinds of thing with her.
A steadfast embrace in an airport terminal. Happy is the moment that she comes home. I love my solitude mind you, but our home and space just isn’t the same without her wild and laughter echoing in the walls. The image of our puzzle is only good enough when all its parts are there. Welcome home, baby. It matters where you are. Looking forward to our Invincible Summer.
Spring came and went and here we are, Summer. the fuq. The cobwebs on this space need some dusting. I made the best of Spring, truly. She was a flurry of florals, friends and filling the cup with a little more social than I am used to but that cup was pretty empty and let’s just say I filled it with gold. 24kt. Spring in a nutshell…
Scoring really cute bunnies and stationery at the consignment store. Hockey Emo Nite with R & Mai which was SO much fun even if the home team lost. An extended visit from my boy B and much needed catch-up and quality time over food, lowriders, coffee, scoring on Record Store Day and those chill convos on the stoop of the house. Neighborhood walks clad with blooms + free lemons. A total solar eclipse that happened to have the first point of continent landfall in Mazatlan. One of my best and favorite ghoulfriends moved to San Diego and is <10 min away. Stepping out of the shell for a group show and my piece getting snatched up quick. Art Alive! exhibit at Balboa Park + squirrel feeding. Getting to see a Space-X launch. Celebrated a Delicious Devil’s birthday with long distance treats.
Amenra at Brick. Obsessed with how good they are. Utterly visceral and getting to talk to Colin at the merch table? *swoon* Spending time with R & Mai at home, Mario Karting, enjoying lady house. A pretty emotionally challenging Mother’s Day – It just isn’t the same when you’re part of The Dead Parent’s Club. Peony season and putting together one of my prettiest arrangements to date. Sips and snacks with Frank at The Lafayette. Deftones Couchella. A scary ER visit for the girl – thankfully handled. Allergic reactions are scary. International movie date day. Emotionally unpacking. A clear bill of health. These are the negatives I want and look forward to. R wrapped up Junior year. I can’t even with this child turning 18 and being a Senior in High School soon. My Tillie and fam moved out and I am just not having it. They were some of the best people I have ever lived next to. So many tears.
R took off to Boston and I got a quickie weekend visit in Portland to see the besties. It was a glorious weekend that felt like I brought California sunshine with me. (I did). It was tons of chill time, catch up, hugs, tears, laughs, great coffee + food like PDX always does, a very rare tiki drink night (for me) and getting to meet new faces I only knew online and it was all so. fucking. good. – eternally grateful for the gifted ticket so I can come up and have this long overdue visit and while it was short-lived it was maximized and beautiful. I have over 25+ years of friendship/family with these lovelies and man, I do not take them for granted one bit. We are so lucky. I don’t know how I do it sometimes, when pieces of my heart are scattered all over the globe like this but I just count my blessings that I am surrounded and loved by some utterly brilliant people – even if from afar. A perfect ending to Spring. I could have done without the nasty AF cold I got when I returned, not the souvenir I had in mind but the one something I brought back encapsulates how I feel about a lot of things as of late.
Summer so far has started off with a much needed break for me to unwind and have some quiet time at home. It has been a lot of sleeping, cat cuddling, trash tv, tending to put off things or nothing at all. And it has been gloriously welcome. And somehow, I am now mothering monarch caterpillars and helping them make it to butterfly stage? Taking care of life is just a fulfilling thing that I didn’t know I needed.
Note to self: clean cat hair off the scanner bed next time.
As much as it guts me to think there was ever a version of me like that, it also makes me grateful as fuck to know that not only have I survived it, I also persevered. That terrified and broken version of me that frantically scrawled in that illegible metaphor, still found some form of will to say, “I deserve better”.
At the end of the day, despite what anyone says, everything is a choice: Action, inaction, avoidance, reaction, response, showing up or walking away. All choices. I certainly make and own mine and it is a lot more peaceful on this openly flowing side, that spaces out more freely. There comes a moment where an act of surrender is the bravest choice of all. People celebrate anniversaries for joyous and momentous occasions – despite the ache, tears and blood, this is just as much one of mine.
2024 started off with a storm and fog of heavy hits:
Gomez ended up at the hospital twice – he’s doing better but definitely starting to show his age and I cannot even fathom what I am going to do when his time comes…. so I am savoring all of his cuddles and wants as much as I can. Grateful I was able to get him on some insurance before all this happens because the veterinary wallet impalement is on a whole new level of ouch. Getting really sick in the middle of all of that – it has been raining so much and as much as I am lucky to live in CA where it isn’t as cold, the “winter” season just does a number on me in so many ways. I am beyond over it. Being sick while dealing with several major crisis and little to no support is just… a lot.
This 28th of February would have been Mom’s 80th birthday. It was the first since she passed away and it came with its set of feelings. I put out some roses and lit a candle for her small vessel of ashes. I know “she” left us far before her actual body did, but something about this one just made it more… final. Truth is I haven’t really even had the time and space to grieve her properly. How can I? Breaks and quiet time are a rarity and when I have had so many large hits all at once? Makes sense why my body just broke down with illness. I sometimes wonder what she would think of me and the direction my life took. Or how she would absolutely love R and the beauty she’s growing into. I know it’s life and all that, but I can’t also help but think of the unfairness of it all. She deserved better.
Took Reza to see ††† for her first time. I can’t even begin to explain the joy of sharing a mutual love for all things Chino with her and while we could have done without the ridiculously long trek to Hollywood, some things are just worth the time and effort. Being out en masse is such a weird thing these days, but getting to see a couple shows the past couple of weeks and getting to feel some bass in my insides was so medicinal. The eye candy of beautiful people was none too shabby either.
I recently started Postcrossing again. Figured I would put that stack of unused postcards to some good use. There is just something in the tangible and handwritten that cannot be rivaled, no matter how hard digital media tries. Emails don’t carry scent, touch, whispered secrets or dried tears. Last month I received one of the most thoughtful Valentine’s Day somethings ever. When someone speaks your level of “attention to detail” language, when the effort is there, it just hits in ways that no amount of pricy gifts or over the top gestures can match. He just gets me. It only makes me miss him so much more.
This longing for Spring is borderline lascivious. I am beyond ready for time to jump ahead, for longer and warmer days. I am compiling a list of things I would like to do in sunnier times. I have to give myself some things to look forward to: nature, things, people… and perhaps travel once more. 4 years ago was the day the world got shut down. Sometimes it is hard to fathom or wrap my head around that it even happened in the first place. It’s an odd dichotomy because there is so much I missed out on. On the same token, had it not happened, I probably would have made so many colossal mistakes while flailing around with an unhealed heart. It gifted me some beautiful connections and even if it was an option, I can’t say I would take it all back if I could. Time is running at a faster pace and none of us have the luxury of squandering it. Not anymore.
Needless to say there has been a lot of introspection as of late. Looking back, looking forward, scouring over things I wrote in my former years, melancholia fueled with reminiscent undertones. I don’t look at myself with the same level of guilt and shame that I used to. Old me was messy, had no boundaries and was treated a lot more poorly than I care to admit. By myself and others. The current version of me is so much more agreeable. Perhaps it’s because while I am always going to remain impulsive, I am also a lot more calculated and methodical in my way of being and response. Such is the journey toward one’s self and always being in a constant state of working, doing, evolving and always striving to be better and surrounding myself with those who carry their hearts with empathy, gentleness, gratitude and appreciation.
It hasn’t come without some glimmers of lovely:
A visit from Brent that couldn’t have come at a better time – He is just effortless and soul healing to be around. And another one around the corner. A night out for Chelsea Wolfe with Dawne. So many wonderful sunsets and cloud photos. When you get a much needed hair cut that makes you feel like a million Benjamins. Nerding out with Dad about Dune. When the light at the end of the tunnel gets a little brighter. Swapping handwritten notes of missing with Him. Adulting and productive whatnot that always feels good to handle. Letting it go. Lucifer finally came out of his 3 month brumation and ate. 3 months of hunger strike was making us nervous! The spider that has taken up residence under my art desk. Deleting people off my phone and socials. I am all about noise reduction and getting rid of phony sense of connection, way too many memes and therapy pages. As much as I am all about growth and learning, there is such thing as too much therapy content and toxic positivity. I’m all about seeking peace these days and some ways are best traveled in opposing directions. Scoring tix to Amenra – an absolute necessity. (I love when rare bands grace San Diego in really small spaces and down the street even better!) Scratching a hard craving itch. Horchata I love you so. Sold some work that I had floating around for a while and my newest piece was adopted. Quickly. It always flatters me to move the work and having a couple shows on the calendar in the months to come. Art-ing again within itself – it fills the cup and every bit helps cause Rx cat food and those vet hospital visits were not cheap! Chai tea with coconut milk My neighbor Tillie. What a godsend of a human to live next to. The way He says “how dare you Ms. Garcia!”. I dare. And for him? Often. What can I say, I am a sucker for a British accent.
Traveled/Visited: Tucson to see Ginny, Saguaro National Park, Mazatlan with my family + R, Barcelona with my Devil. (again! *swoon*) Shows: The Cure, The 1975 Bucket list ✔️: La Sagrada Familia
Music / 2023 Albums/Releases: Sleep Token – Take Me Back To Eden Labrinth – Ends and Begins Full Of Hell/Nothing – When No Birds Sang blink 182 – One More Time Truth be told, there is just so much damn music in my life. It is a constant of new, old, every genre in the book. And the best part is R sharing in it with me and in some cases, corrupting me with her taste which is always welcome. She got me on some good shit this year. I made a playlist of some of this year’s bangers and they absolutely do not go together but ask me how much I care. I am all about being broad. You can listen to that nonsense here
Favorite Scents: Chiffon by Solstice Scents Caramel Oud and Lemon Tart, both by Theodore Kalotinis Firecracker Pop by Bath & Bodyworks (cause everyone needs a cheapy body spray) Qaed Al Fursan by Lattafa Lord of Misrule by LUSH Stroopwafel by Scent Trunk
Notable Good Moments: Road tripping desert adventures with Ginny and seeing the saguaros! Barbie movie in corpse paint with R A very overdue visit from Stephen Taking R to her first Cure show and getting to share it with Brent. Every. Single. Sinful. Delicious. Thing. About Our trip to Barcelona – I fucking adore Spain. Hotpot Friendsgiving with the Chicago coven R turned 17, Lucifer 2, Gomez & Judas 12, me 49. (the last year of my 40’s. whoa) A nice dent in debt reduction that was a heavy burden Listening to R singing in the shower, laughing from the confines of her room and taking her shopping to the Affliction warehouse sale – seeing her smile and be excited will always make my day.
The Hard Stuff: Ending a connection – while for the right reasons, still hurt. Mom making her transition into another realm and ending her battle with Alzheimers Witnessing the corpse roadkill on the freeway – that is something I won’t soon forget Almost losing Gomez and the vet bill damage to save him. Parting ways with “friendships”. It’s a good thing – but going through it and seeing how little people value loyalty and transparency is disappointing to say the very least. Arriving to the realization that I have trauma that I need to work through, still. Sure, there has been vast improvement but you don’t realize just how deep things like gaslighting and betrayal permeate and seep into things until someone inadvertently walks into your field of land mines. At the very least there is still so much more awareness and accountability for my part – makes navigation a lot smoother.
**** 2023 was the year of reconnection. While all were short-lived in duration, I got to see so many of my absolute favorite humans who happen to live far. My sisters all at once along with our Dad, some of my besties, most of the Chicago-coven and my British star. The privilege doesn’t escape me, especially in this day and age where safety, time, health, life, finances are tougher to line up for many. I hope it maintains trajectory because I really needed it this year. I went through one of the most painful things someone can endure and then we went straight into the pandemic so I had to sit with a lot of things, on my own in so many ways. And then my mom died. The fact that so many beautiful reunions came to fruition only makes me prioritize those connections even more – especially with those who value me, my time and are filled with ease & wonder. Life is entirely way too short to surround myself with those who don’t provide selfless care, safety and love. And my circle is fucking MEDICINAL. More, please.
As is with many of my new traditions, I drew my one tarot card for the year: Strength. She got chased by The Sun, The Lovers and the VI of wands. All a wonderful indicator of what is to come. I find it rather fitting and no coincidence that R pulled the exact same one on her deck.
2024? Not sure what I want from her just yet – I know I need to elevate my game in many places – especially career-wi$e, my art, my health. But also know that there’s solace in a place where I can find acceptance in being content where I already am. With who I am. With what I do have. Sure, there is always room for change but I treat it as evolution and growth, not this whole “new year new me” nonsense people like to sign up for.
This foundation, at my core is already solid and the experiences I have endured, good and bad, have brought me to this very moment. I like quite a bit of me – I lean into kindness and honesty and it is because of my experiences and hardships, I know when I see good, when to pick out a phony with greater ease and why I love and protect with the viciousness that I do. One thing I do know: It will be a lot less talking and a lot more doing. Showing the fuck up for myself, for my brilliant daughter and those who are worthy of me, my sanctity and grace.
Solstice rituals and the return of stunning sunsets Witnessing a run over body on the freeway with a carload of teenagers. An accident I came very close to being a part of but timing and fate chose otherwise. I still haven’t completely shaken that visual. Feeling more in touch with my body and self. boba + movie dates. Unlocking core memories and putting away old ones. Monarchs dancing in the yard. A heightened sense of appreciation and gratitude. The inevitable write-off and disappointment of the disloyal. Pulling up to stoplights with the windows down, blasting “it’s raining men” and singing with R at the top of our lungs. Pressing charges on some grown ass creep for hitting on my kid. Between this and the highway corpse I have met my popo quota for the year. Although getting flirted with by the CHP wasn’t something I expected to have on my bingo card but here we are. Return to art, journaling, writing, walking, moving. The thought of the dimples I know my portrait of him brought to his face. Reconnection, reinvention, acceptance, amplification. The decline of anxiety that was amplified by the pandemic. Going to the Barbie movie with R clad in corpse paint and sharing not only that moment and ridiculously fun movie, but a bond about mother/womanhood with her. “I am the way I am because of her” *wipes tear* Not sharing everything because some things just have their place and sanctity. The collective joy and awakening that something so simple as a film about a doll or a Taylor Swift concert has brought people together. Lemon and smokey pineapple fragrances on my skin. R is now a Junior in high school. JFC where has the time GONE. What a privilege to be here for all of it. How utterly unabashed I have become. Is this what happens when you’re cusping the last year of your 40’s? I got no time for nonsense. The impact of being shown reassurance I didn’t have to ask for. The bar is so unbelievably high. Halloween goodies in July + August and the restraint to limiting myself with them. The craving for experiences way more than things. The conspiracy, plotting and countdown to our communing devilry. Encore.
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