lists

Spooky season magic

Celebrated my babe’s 17th birthday on Friday the 13th: she got herself a much coveted eyebrow piercing, stek dinner, Deftones tickets and Knotts Scary Farm. I normally don’t go for haunts but that was a lot of fun. We need to do that again and next time when we’re both not nursing stupid coughs. Last night I found myself reading old, now private entries, when she was a wee thing, documenting her milestones and things she and I used to say and do. Man did that kick up some dust and feels. Sometimes it is hard to believe I am a parent to an almost adult now. Shit is wild and an absolute privilege to be a part of.

Way too many medical appointments and body related nonsense to count – for both of us! The medical industry in this country is a fucking joke. I hate the ER with a damn passion that’s for sure and it is absolutely criminal that a 5 hr visit with minimal care merits a $16k bill. Thankfully we are both on the mend and the we have insurance, cause woof.

A solar eclipse in October – I only got to see a portion and I snagged that photo from a livestream cause I don’t own that kind of equipment. The energy that entire weekend was weird as hell. The universe is a wonderful place.

Errand running and a dentist appointment in a nun habit for Halloween. “Of course you did”. It got a lot of love and Sister Garcia from the Order of Perpetual Traviesas is happy to oblige. A nun and Elvis walk into a Target and then she got her teeth cleaned by Pinky the Pac-Man ghost… stop me if you’ve heard this one… fuck, I love halloween.

Counting down the days to impending travel, a beyond overdue and deserved break and birthday celebrations of Devilry. The gift of experiences and memories supersedes anything I could have ever been given and I am grateful I get to do this in his company. Again.

Setting up the first Dia De Muertos ofrenda that included my Mom… that was a hard one but also felt right to see Her there, knowing she’s somewhere better, free of so many things. Even Dad approved which felt nice to hear.

Routine establishment and trying to stick to it. Gotta finish what I start.
The feline terrors turn 12!
Swapping lists of wants, what to see, pack, share and do to one another. Encore.
Waking to poetry I inspired in my messages – I will never tire of being His muse or reason those dimples sink deeper.
Finally got to see the 1975 and it was *everything* I had hoped they would be.
Knowing with certainty that all the time, sacrifice and effort will be so worth it in the end.
Candlelit baths
Ice cream dates
Pellucid serenity
The unsettling moments of staying in the present when all you want is to know what is next.
When you’re finally shown your instinct was right because holy shit was that a bullet dodged.
Scoring an Art Deco armoire on the curb for free
When you find something with someone who understands and values your attention to detail, conveys it and only wants more.
Couch naps with Judas during sunset.
Pumpkin carving with R to ofrenda glow and Corpse Bride
All the pumpkin chai lattes
Guilty pleasure trash tv shows
The magic of a 3 ingredient meal
Audio recorded whispers that are the gift that keep on giving.

twelve. more. days.

Picking passion fruit in the front yard on a bright & warm day.
An unexpected yet utterly welcome floral delivery.
The symbolism of Autumn’s impending arrival with grocery store pumpkin sightings.
Watching a spider bounce and weave her magic in the golden hour glow.
The rain bringing in a petrichor scented breeze.
Kitchen witchery in the form of pumpkin foam for my coffee and lemon coconut sugar scrub.
The romantic entanglement of a passion fruit vine and a sprig of lavender.
Having my letters/mail referred to as “an experience”.
Training those difficult boundary muscles.
Wet n’ Wild lip liner in shade #666.
Smelling like Lemon Tart and acting like it.
When the things you say+do paint colors on my flesh like an impressionist sunrise.
Walking past a couple of women on an ice cream cone date as one tells the other, “ice cream will always be a good idea”.
Revisiting that one track you had to take a break from because you listened to it into the ground and it being better than ever.
The last, fighting gasp of Summer.
The confidence of a freshly well-executed haircut.
My finding out that “Spain” means “land of rabbits” and the sense it makes.
When the muse knocks on the door.
Eggs paired with Boursin
The bravery of difficult honesty.
Locked pinky finger cab ride daydreams.
Double rainbows on both coasts and on a day a lot of people needed it.

A list inspired by the blue supermoon…

Knowing pieces of me are scattered in so many far away places.
How missing things, places and people can cut… deliciously and beautifully.
When the cruel realization of reality arrives.
When I am doing the work intended for many and I only have two hands.
A different shade of blue when He called me “solace”.
How I am expected to carry my own basket of hurt on the timeline of others.
When disparity and imbalance become commonplace.
Listening to meticulously crafted playlists that you know will sink you and you do it anyway.
How 49 looms but then I think about the where+who I spend it with and it doesn’t sting. (At least not in a bad stinging kinda way)
How people seem to forget I too have wants, needs, feelings, desires and I deserve to have them because I am more than just my roles.
When the moment arrives that you need the equivalent of a forehead kiss or band-aid as to say “everything is going to be ok, I got you” – and it doesn’t happen.
How it’s not so simple to surrender trust because you’ve been so grotesquely wronged.
When you still don’t have the answers as to why it was so easy for them to walk away and knowing you probably never will.
When I catch myself reverting to those old ways of feeling I have to prove I am worth the effort – but I catch it and adjust because I know better.
When water runs dry but the feelings remain.
How gestures of kindness and sincerity feel like a firing squad of flowers.
When the reciprocity palpably wanes.
When everything can bring you to tears (good and bad. water sign. I know.)
There is only one of me…. and not enough time.

(from my journal)

The moment before the sky parts with rain
In the eyes of someone who sees you without being given a map
The sunrise in Bali, sunset on the Pacific… or desert
The arrival section at the airport
Comfortable silence and shared understandings
In unapologetic authenticity
The roar of an airplane going places
Handwritten *everything*
When dreams come true
When timing serendipitously aligns
Lips and hands that feel like home
The look in someone’s eyes when they blow out birthday candles
The crispy pages of a new journal
Inside of a kept promise
When you discovered the toy inside the cereal box as a child
Crossing firsts off your list
When a flavor is laced with nostalgia
A wondrous display of nature
Ripping gift wrap apart
Grazes in unconventional and overlooked places
A perfectly made playlist
A vulnerable exchange of trust
Laughter through tears
When you find beauty and peace in a not so nice experience
Our secret language
My daughter’s laughter
When you’re moved by a song in a language you don’t speak
The comfort of that one movie you watch over… and over again
When the air smells of thunderstorm
When you get no red lights AND rockstar parking
A freshly made bed… and then destroying it.

(from my journal)

cinnamon + honey in coffee
walking to the car in the rain after a solid workout
when we jinx by saying the same thing at the same time
sunlit cat naps on the couch with gomez
the updated fridge gallery and getting to gaze at the beauty in my life – daily.
acknowledging one another’s rarity
that post gym muscle ache
ranunculus season
bare toes, warm concrete
pulling over to take photos of a dual colored blooming tree
moments where that peace + clarity arrive
a perfectly balanced slice of key lime pie
when r’s taste in music mirrors my influence
a bag of a new roast of beans
homemade musubi
transatlantic confessions
looming desert adventures

scent: BPAL/The Manuscript: leather + paper and splotches of ink, with a hint of ghostly chill.
a morning dance party in the kitchen to my Summer playlist while feeding the cats.
sharing my food with Judas
sound: the rain, howling wind and our secret playlist
an A+ dumpster dive in the form of devil’s ivy cuttings that I immediately brought home.
I’m just going to pretend it’s not 50 degrees, wet and grey. Seems like March will be no different.
the way he says “I love you, bean”
feline loaf on my desk
Japanese curry night
art in the shadows
the simultaneous sunshine and hail
the fortune of capturing the romance between Jupiter and Venus in a sunset landscape, post storm. 400 million miles apart, but appearing like lovers at arms length, close enough to almost kiss, only to part ways once more. so far away, but undeniably close. this resonates.

The season for all the bunny shaped things and the crack cocaine Cadbury mini eggs

Azure ink stained fingertips on Valentine’s Day

Morning bed climb-ins cause it’s COLD (CA cold, you shut up)

The perfect combination of black forest + brie + dijon on grilled loaf.

The sense of accomplishment when you get your own taxes done.

When the bartender comps *all* the beverages

The explosion of freeway blooms from all the rain we’ve had. It’s so refreshing to see a lot more green in the horizon.

Having to part ways when that person has decided they want to fuel their heart with hatred and misinformation. Upsetting and disheartening but I don’t have space for people who want to be gross.

My fridge photo gallery – the faces of my people give me so much joy. (Note to self: print and add more)

Couch cuddles with the wolves

The way R calls me “a fuckin’ G”

The moment when you realize you’re more of a rest stop instead of a destination.

The unbelievable, affectionate growth in my familiars as they age.

Roadside graffiti wisdom.

When the people in your life grow and evolve with you instead of away.

Delicious brunch + a very overdue dishing session with the ladies. Why is hollandaise so fucking magical? Paired with the tea? Even better.

Getting gushed over my way with words and ability to compliment by delicious poets.

How the squad rallies the way ants build a bridge to get everyone across

The undeniable glow and power in a woman that chooses herself.

Daylight Savings and Spring are right around the corner. I am SO ready for warmer weather & open windows.

When the long overdue karma train arrives.

Daydreaming of His kisses on cathedral stone.

intuition that is met with validation you were on the mark
immediate reassurance that you didn’t even have to ask for – but needed
the room + linens smelling of lavender
a scent or song taking you back to wonderful memories
the struggle when you have to say no but old you wants to say yes
the simple satisfaction of peeling an orange in one continuous piece
the cat nap including and actual cat right next to you
an image of your spontaneous eye hemorrhage inspiring someone to create art
the way cotton candy dissolves on your tongue
the greeting of a mass murder of crows flocking the Disneyland gates as we arrived
a sleeping familiar on my desk as I work
two of us crammed into one hoodie to try and stay warm
sharing a slice from a freshly purchased loaf of bread with parking lot bird friends
the persistence of the “fuck more!” tagger in our area – they make me smile
our great “shoe and bra eviction ritual” the second we get in the car after a Disney Day
having a matcha latte in bed on a cold morning
eating with your bare hands like a total savage and not giving a fuck
how the group chat is trying to share at least one good thing, every day
keeping myself far from cynicism
sharing similar taste in music with R and singing it on the freeway together
trees blooming with flowers like it’s spring in the middle of winter
promises of saved kisses
words that feel like a hand on your thigh under the table when no one is looking

The happy accident of an out of focus sunset photo.
The echoing of Their laughter in the house.
Hearing what I needed to hear exactly from the person I needed to hear it from.
Unexpected hail.
Being sneaky sneaky even though I am terribly impatient.
The power in being thanked or told you’re missed.
Men that GET IT.
Xmas cheer in the form of cards and small prizes sent to far away places.
The gift of a clean slate to start the year on.
The possibility of new beginnings on a lot of levels.
How a month has passed and it feels like so long ago, yet I can still taste it.
The exorbitant amount of care I have been receiving as of late.
The optimism and hope for new adventures.
Judas sleeping in her new gingerbread house cat scratcher under the xmas tree.
The way He encourages me to create art with his living, breathing inspiration.
The itch of a new and long overdue tattoo.
The anticipation of snail mail arriving.
When the words and behavior align.
Being called “thoughtful” from multiple sources.
Reconnecting with old friends and falling into them like time didn’t pass.
Handwritten letters from my Mom I forgot I had.
Beans + toast banter.
Audio message exchanges.
The comedy in how they just can’t help themselves.
Living on my terms, and by “terms” I mean having ice cream for dinner if I want to.
The journey through the 5 senses embedded under my skin.
When the stress levels drop. Finally.
The hunger for dangerously uninhibited, vulnerable exchanges.
Bonding with friends over our mutual hatred of raisins.
Being fed the proof.
The longing for Spring. Yes. Already.
The plotting of new year manifestations.
Getting my hands literally and metaphorically dirty… with ink, potting soil and you.
When *home* is more than the place I sleep at night.