I know it’s the official/unofficial date…. Happy Birthday, Mom.
I always remember, even when you can’t anymore. xo
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las mañanitas
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whens and joys
The maiden voyage of a new spooky mug
When you can hear their dimples sink as they speak
When that photo in your messages awakens you harder than that first cup of a.m. coffee
Attention to the often overlooked details – like my favorite coffee waiting for my arrival.
Killing them softly with words, penmanship and scented ephemera
Cheating on Tom with Harrison over pizza + cuddles
Card pulls filled with promise
Climbing into a bed made with freshly laundered everything
Two. Months. And the uncontainable excitement that comes with it.
When you are served banquets over crumbs – and they’re *delicious*
When you warm your hands on a cup filled of something hot & tasty
Plotting bestie visits
Falling asleep to the scent of lavender and cedar wood
When you experience an intimate first that brings you to tears
When you can have earnest & vulnerable conversations
The out-of-body like nap on the acupuncture table
When I can say, feel, do things with absolute certainty
While it feels like square one again. finally feeling “well” enough to go back to the gym
Being circled by monarchs, hummingbirds and a green beetle in the same fleeting moment
When the air starts to feel like Autumn once more (and it is SO welcome)
When the band-aid is shaped in the form of an impromptu trip to the mountains for axe throwing (I suck!), goat petting and the apple picking that should have happened but didn’t
Halloween shaped scrub daddy sponges. (how have I been sleeping on these!?)
When it’s better they aren’t in your life anymore – and you can still love them from afar, in your own way
Busting out the Fall scents: spiced cider, marshmallow, library, by the fireplace, chai
When you stumble on old photos of yourself from 4 years ago and you don’t recognize that dead inside looking human anymore.
When the fb memories that pop up are nothing but good things and don’t feel like a kick in the ribs.
When it is given to you, willfully. -
Time and time again I am reminded that the unsettled feeling underneath my skin is there for a reason and my god, is it consistently proven right.
What’s one more notch on that bedpost of disappointment, right? -
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The splendor of purple landscapes from the jacaranda blooms
The sorcery of the mochi donut
When the work put in pays off
Mother’s Day/Bats Day at Disneyland with my witchlet where far too much fun and laughter were had. We needed it on so many levels and I’m pretty certain some core memories were made.Cinnamon clad doorways and the way those asks just ripped off the bandaid
Tiny flesh galaxies
Being witness to their butterflies of twitter-pationLessons of vindication
You ever been told that you’ve set the standard for elevated levels of interactions? I have and damn did that feel good.
Filling the calendar with friend dates
The way certain things would have just sent me over and now they just don’t. The growth is there and I’m so in love with this version of who I am and will continue to become. 3 years ago me would be hella proud.
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The power in saying “no”. But then I think about what it took for me to get to this point. This was not an easy skill to acquire.
Solidifying passage for another voyage home. The sand in Mom’s hourglass is running out and it arrives with a lot of complicated logistics, feels and maneuvering. On the bright side it bought me more time with family even though it’s gonna be hot as balls and heavy in nature.
When I am thanked for sharing really private things, like it’s a gift to be privy to. This is a new feeling and I don’t know how to let it sink in that there’s actual appreciation for me without agenda or expectancy of return.
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The continuous increase in cost of living is brutal and it’s frustrating because there seems to be no slowing down. Time to trim some more budgetary edges off.Uncertainty that I am just not comfortable with yet
The reality of aging parents, the mortal coil and the multitude of really complicated feelings it brings with it all while trying to navigate very different styles of communication and grieving processes.
Covid anxiety creeping back in as things are changing. Again. This shit is just… *sigh*
Being pushed to unpack luggage that isn’t mine. This shit is tired and I will not mop up blood for messes I didn’t make.
Dental work and the state of insurance that doesn’t cover shit.This country just gets more and more whack
Is it ever the right time?
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medicinal
roses on your doorstep
a purring familiar on your ribcage
our simultaneous laughter
lunch break naps
the roar and smell of the sea in the dark
a slice of pie in bed
couch cuddles
handwritten sentiments on personalized stationery
the right song coming on at the most necessary moment
my name in his flourishes
homemade cookies with the perfect balance of chips
climbing into a fuzzy blanket that feels like home
the comfort of pretzeled limbs that make you feel… safe
consistency
a trip to the art store
conversations that feel like translucent nudity
water that feels like blood
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unraveling
If there’s something I am shown time and time again, is that there will always be light in the darkest of corners, if we allow ourselves to open the windows and doors enough to let it in.
Everything reveals itself when you no longer accept mediocre exchanges and baseline efforts.
The planting of seeds in glorious beds.
An entanglement that unravels its threads.A bloom surfacing and being pried apart through ashes and earth to unfold into her Self.
A revelation: flowers attract bees, instead of flies… with… well, you know.
This moment in Venus has been something else. -
MMXXI
And just like that 2021 comes to a close. It’s interesting how a year can go by so fast yet drag at tortoise speed. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t yet another challenging year but I seek comfort in the fact that a lot of those feelings were collective. A whole lot of fight or flight and survival mode. Adjustments to new ways of life on so many levels.
What a timeline to be living, pandemic year two. And yet despite the hardships and force to adjust to whatever our new reality is, I still managed to make the best of what and where I could.
2021, A RecapA roof over our heads, in a city we love that continues to grace us with spectacular sunsets and wonderful neighbors who look out for us like family.
Grateful to have work that allows me do so from home.
We were lucky enough to have our health, for the most part.We welcomed our danger noodle Lucifer into our home
Covid vaccines, too many covid tests, more than one close call for my own comfort.
We celebrated her 15th and my 47th year of life.
Reza graduated middle school, got their septum pierced, went back to in person school for Freshman year of High School at a school we really wanted them to go to.
The medicinal nature of being able to see and hug friends again.
A last minute visit from Catherine.
Sharing meals and Chicano Park with my birthday twin.
Car rides for slushies filled with laughter, singing and attitude
So many beautiful meals.
The long time e-friends I got to meet in person FINALLY. The deepened connections with existing ones. The new friends I’ve made and the ones that sloughed off like dead skin.
Finding beauty in so many of the often overlooked little things.
Exercising boundaries like a motherfucker.
A short trip to NC that ended in a heinous visit to the ER for a kidney stone. Painful as absolute fuck. But I got a piece of Sara + James to take home with me.
Overseas exchanges of laughter, exquisitely worded banter and worship.
Fell in love with the use of color, caring for plants, arranging flowers, journaling and making a home.
Another solo art show called Encanto and all of it was incredibly well received. You have no idea how hard it was to create this one throughout all the struggles of the year.
The cats celebrated their 10th birthday with Us.
Continued but not surprising disappointments.
Went out on some really beautiful and fun dates.Made my name change official.
Found a deeper value in the quiet of my own company.
One too many jokes about ass with the Heaux. Shai Hulud Ronald.
The taste of shared truth, vulnerability, accountability, new connection dynamics, mutual respect and admiration
Liberty Station in the rain.
Knowing I can care about and miss someone but not have them be in my life anymore because they’re just not good for my healing or growth.
Watching R mature and grow into a pretty exceptional person.
Raised the bar.
Singing Selena on a pulmonia with Liz
Tears that encapsulated so many different emotions and for so many different reasons. And allowed myself to honor those feelings.
The awareness that arrived when those blinders really came off.
Road tripping, singing, camping, hiking and crying in Death Valley with Ginny.
Deleted old FB accounts for good.
Accepted and practiced the art of present living as best I could.
Our monthly couch session of re-watching Disney favorites.
A trip to Mazatlan to see my Parents that was hard, necessary, grounding and perspective giving (this is a whole other post that I am not quite ready for just yet)
The strength in Coven numbers that surround me with their excellent friendship, support and loyalty.
Missed Bee way too much and it sucks that we just don’t know when we will be able to travel. It is the longest I have gone without seeing her.
Favorite Albums:
De Doorn – Amenra
Engine Of Hell – Emma Ruth Rundle
Billie Eilish – Happier Than Ever
An Evening With Silk Sonic – Silk Sonic
Songs That Were On Heavy Repeat:
Smokin’ Out The Window – Silk Sonic
Happier Than Ever – Billie Eilish (what an anthem)
Hand Out The Drugs – Kite
Ogentroost – Amenra
American Money – Børns
Brain – Banks
Running Up That Hill – Meg Myers
and more…
Scents:
Riding Crop by Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab
Fantabulosa on his letter
baking bread
Jonny Cota Parfum
cedar + balsam
anything Sleepy by LUSH
The weather thwarted my usual pilgrimage to Sunset Cliffs to see the last sunset of the year. However, I do get to spend my NYE alone, at home with my cats. Being out doesn’t feel comfortable or right to be honest. Now, a ritual bath and the writing of my intentions for 2022 on the other hand? Absolutely.
If there’s one thing that pandemic life has taught me is that everything can change often and exponentially. Let’s see where we go from here, day to day, hour to hour. Right here.
xo -
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