reza

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  • r.

    Days old / thirteen

    We have been talking a lot about gratitude lately. 

    Having to be a single parent, who really has to prioritize time and money is a huge change for us. I try not to feel bad about it, but it gets me from time to time when I know I just can’t. When you want to provide the world, the experiences and having to restrain.

    All things considering, I think I am doing pretty ok despite it being less than a year since I moved out. They have had to watch me rebuild my life up from next to nothing. Ground zero. Blood, sweat, scars and a fuck ton of tears. Through minimization of the struggle and sacrifice like its been easy. To see almost half of your life, love and efforts brought to a close like it was a seedy back alley business transaction. To having to hear “What DID YOU DO in those 12 years?” in a job interview and have some dude look at you with the “oh that’s cute” face when you tell him you were a stay-at-home Mother. If you only knew, sir. If you only knew just how much I did, continue to do and am capable of. I am guts, heart, truth and spine.

    I protect them from the burden all while showing them my vulnerability. Safe-guarding them from the reality and weights I lifted, far more than I should have had to. The stress I carry within, working to heal my broken heart, while simultaneously holding them up, imparting the lessons I have learned from arduous paths, building them and us into this new normal that our lives have become.

    I remind them of what we need to revel in. To focus on what we do have instead of focusing on what we don’t. Focusing on needs over wants. That we have a great roof over our heads, in a city we love, the basic needs are met, we’re healthy, breathing and surrounded by an amazing tribe of support. Oh and let us not forget our two cats who know when we need it the most.

    I don’t know how much longer this will last. She still comes in for hugs, climbs in bed for snuggles, reaches for my hand while we watch tv or falls asleep leaning into me. Those years of being home got me them. This amazing person I call my kid. Our bond.

    This is what those 12 years got me. 

    And I would do it all over again.

  • for reza

    Dear Nugget,

    I am not sure how this happens but time flies by so much faster when I am watching someone grow up. Better yet, watching you grow up. It’s an interesting state I find myself in cause as proud I am of your newfound independence, there is also that moment where I catch myself looking at you and my heart is breaking inside cause you are no longer a helpless little person. You are a full blown kid.

    In the past month you not only figured out how to tie your own shoes but you started reading. Words! Books even! And yes, those books are simple but still, you aren’t even in kindergarten yet and here you are pointing words out to us. I thought I beamed with pride when you took your first steps, but this? You’re sitting there with a book and reading it to me. Isn’t that my job? You have your voice, opinions, commentary and always have something funny to say. You make me so damn proud of the person you are growing into every day.

    You love to brush my hair, you tell me you like my hair color, the way I do my nails, that I am the best Mom ever and that I am beautiful. You are seriously one of the most expressive children I have ever known, even if I haven’t known too many.

    This morning you walked past me and hugged me. I felt the top of your head on the bottom of breasts. Yes, your Mom is a shorty but dude, you need to cut this out. Slow down just a little bit cause my one and only is crossing things by leaps and bounds and I don’t know if I am ready. It’s not like I have a choice, you can’t keep that freight train from passing by so quickly but throw your Mom a bone, yeah? I don’t want to be the smallest person in the house anytime soon.

    We were walking around town this afternoon and you kept saying “I love you” over and over. You caught yourself and said you probably say it too much. I doubt I would ever tire of it Special Sauce, there will come a day where that may taper off. I hope it doesn’t cause if you only knew the twinkle it brings to my eyes, you would know how happy it makes me.

    So two things… one: I love you so damn much. two: keep being this awesome… cause seriously, I see the powerhouse of a lady you are turning into and I can only imagine how amazing you are going to be years from now. More than you already are.

    It’s a pretty awesome feeling to have one of the best things that ever happened to me under the same roof. Thanks for being one of them.

    Love,

    Mom

    *******

    And for my own reference right now you love: corn bread, the word “science”, hanging out with Gomez, adventures in Philadelphia, doing shadow puppets before bed time, picking out your own outfits, gemstones, Monster High and as always, vampires.