The Art Of Saying Yes

Allow me to dust off the cobwebs for some realness.

In order to be able to see the light, one must experience a little bit of darkness. One shouldn’t exist without the other, at least, that’s the way I feel.

For the past couple of months I have been living in the dark. In a more simplified way, you could say I was (am?) in a state of depression. It took me a while to recognize its presence, but once I realized it was there, it loomed like my shadow, even when the sun was its brightest. Getting out of bed required effort, I wanted to sleep a lot and the fog has lingered for weeks.

It took a while for me to recognize but once but I did it was pretty easy to accept, but my awareness of it only reinforced just how much I didn’t like it and I needed to do something about it.

I have always been a pretty emotionally driven person. My exterior wall is built with fun imagery, dirty jokes, my harmonious home life and what you get to see with your eyes. But the truth is that all of that fluff and fun is the bouncy house exterior to the wall I have guarding the inside. I don’t drop the walls very often and if you have had a chance to really peek inside my windows, I am a person full of drawers. You can imagine how I felt when I saw a sculpture of Salvador Dali’s “woman aflame” for the first time. It is to this day one of, if not my favorite pieces of art. She resonates something in me. (Note to self: find a replica)

photo by eyj1001 on flickr - click to see on his page
photo by eyj1001 on flickr

 

Each drawer represents a compartment of my life. I fill it with ideas, people, feelings, relationships, the things I hold closest and sometimes the things I need to put away. Some of those drawers are mint and functional, some are missing their handles or are stuck. It is probably with good reason that they are, some drawers are meant to stay shut.

I have been checked out for quite a while now. I tend to be one of those people that don’t like to burden others with my goings on. Save for Josh and a couple friends who actually took the time to ask, I have been relatively mum about the whole thing. Everyone has their “things” and I like to try and figure out what those “things” are instead of going on and on about it while trying to find them. If that makes sense.

So I retreated within myself to do some searching and trying to find what it was that ailed me.

I love Josh with everything in me, he is part of the threads that weave every fiber of my being. He has listened, encouraged, held, spoke and supported. We have done all the things partners should do but I also knew that the constant state of venting needed to be directed elsewhere, in neutral ground where I can see a little clearer.

I went to talk to someone about it. It was a short-lived round of therapy since a lot of that immediately gravitated toward medication. Well that and I seemed to be coming to conclusions on my own. Let me make it abundantly clear that I am not against the idea of medication if it would help. I get that people need it to function and if it works for others then awesome for them. I just know I am hypersensitive and I would probably get all the side effects. My gut told me that path wasn’t the best one for me… the last thing I need is for something to make me heavier and kill my sex drive. That within itself would only bum me the hell out even more.

With that said, I have been looking for pieces in order to make my picture feel whole again. A different path so to speak.

One thing that was pointed out to me, and was totally true, is that I seem to spend a lot of time doing for others and not doing enough for myself. I am the anchor of the home, the show scheduler, the cook, the mother, the wife, the nurturer and giver. You have no idea just how fast it happens and next thing you know, you have let your self go to the wayside We live in a society where it is engrained into our heads that the act of doing for yourself is an act of selfishness. “Selfish” is so far from who I am or ever want to be. Maybe it is the minuscule shred left of my Catholic upbringing, who knows, but guilt and the constant state of apology for doing for myself is something I need to shed.

Then there is the state of my personal relationships with people. I have been spending so much time hanging on to friendships who have given me little to nothing in such a long time. Yet I hang on and for what? The calls that never come, the messages never returned, the unreciprocated question that we all need to hear: “Hey, how are YOU?”. The constant state of disappointment. It’s a gut wrenching to know and feel like you have done nothing wrong yet you’re now an afterthought in the inevitable show of growing apart. The connection being clipped like a thread. A swift kick to the balls is what it is… and while I don’t have balls, I can imagine it hurts like a motherfucker. Just like losing people you thought better of.

In any event, it has been a process and will continue to be. For those of you who know the feeling, depression travels time like dog years. These things are slow and take time.

And if you’ve made it this far, I owe you a cookie…

Which brings me to my “AH HA!” moment.

When it comes to life and the interest of self preservation I have always made it a point to remember one thing: “Learn and master the art of saying NO. The sooner you learn how to say no, the happier you will be”. I have said it a lot and for the most part, that shit holds tried and true. But something hit me in the past couple of weeks  that made me look at that from another perspective. I have been so caught up in the constant state of “no” that I am also forgetting that there are so many things I want and need to say “yes” to. Saying “yes” has brought me so many rewarding experiences and I have been denying myself the chance at potentially wonderful opportunities out of fear. Because while I can dish a “hell no” like the best of them, I don’t have the skin to hear it back and that’s just not how it works.

So I have embarked on saying “yes” more.

Yes to forcing myself out of the house.

Yes to invites.

Yes to experiencing new things and people.

Yes to honoring my feelings and needs for a change.

Yes to finally growing a fucking pair and putting myself out there more.

Yes to giving my energy to those who want and appreciate it.

Yes to contacting galleries and trying to get my voice heard (and being incredibly surprised at the responses!!).

Yes to treating myself better.

Yes to wanting what I think I am deserving of.

Yes to knocking on doors, answering doors and walking through them.

And yes to taking dives off the cliff even if you know there may be rocks the bottom.

Yes. A thousand times YES.

Things I Would Tell Myself

IMG_0216

I have been doing a lot of soul searching in the past few weeks. Some of these quests are making me look at myself long and hard. I am finding a lot of things that aren’t pretty, trust me they aren’t. I guess you could say I am kind of going through a bit of an emotional low point. This doesn’t happen often, at least not for me but when it does it arrives hard. It’s crazy how all of a sudden it creeps up on you, a bite on the back of your shoulder and next thing you know the itch is there. The incessant, anxious itch you can’t seem to reach in order to satiate.

In any event, I guess you could say I have neglected this space. Along with so many other things. The reflection of the exterior is a portrait of what’s inside… and what is inside feels disjointed, uneasy, an unfinished puzzle with missing pieces that I am still trying to find. They will turn up eventually, I just need to look a little harder.

It’s hard not to beat myself up over previous decisions in my life. I know some of those things have made me who I am now. The wisdom that came from those things have helped form a foundation on which I stand. Even then, I can’t help but think about where I would be if I just had my current self go back in time.

If I could, this is what I would probably tell myself…

There is great power within you, you just need to know how to hone it and where to direct it. You’ll get there.

Convey your feelings often, hold nothing in. The good, the bad, they ugly. All have an appropriate outlet.

Ask for help when you need it. It’s ok. Needing help is not weakness.

Take your own advice.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you how or who you should be.

If a dude treats you like shit, you leave. It really is that simple. Life is too short to spend it with people who don’t think you’re rad. Same goes for friends.

Speaking of friends, sometimes the best ones will be in the most unlikely of places. Always pay attention to who is actually listening, get rid of the ones who don’t.

It’s ok to be a little shameless.

Stop placing so much value on how others perceive you. You will deny yourself so many wonderful, basic life experiences because of it.

Learn and master the art of humility, gratitude, giving a compliment, accepting a compliment and when to just say “no”.

Spend more time with critters. They will teach you far more about love than some of those stupid dudes you are dating.

Do lots of things for yourself, don’t wait for someone to do it for you.

Question everything but know when to surrender to uncertainty.

Get outdoors more. Some of the best places are outside and free. They will fulfill you more than clubs and bars ever will.

Be better at your finances. I know people say that shit doesn’t matter. It doesn’t buy happiness but it certainly helps keep you from being stressed out all the time.

Travel. See new places, road trip, try new things. You will come back a changed person and will teach you more than a book ever will.

Be honest. Speak loudly. Be heard.

No one likes a sourpuss. No One. So if you’re going to be that person, stay home and work on fixing what is making your puss sour.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Girl.

Trust.

 

 

 

good morning 40

It’s not really that morning anymore and it arrives with a little lateness. Every year I write a post along with gratuitous self portrait whoring to commemorate yet another trip around the sun. I keep thinking about the things I want to say and share this year and can’t seem to properly formulate them so I felt I should just sit down, open this blank box and see what happens.

So yes, this past Tuesday I celebrated my 40th birthday. “But you don’t look THAT OLD”. YeaH, yeah. I would like to think so… I know I certainly don’t act like someone that is 40 and as far as I am concerned, I will continue to be in a perpetual state of growing up for the rest of my life . No one likes a stick in the mud.

In any event this was a big one on more than a few levels. It goes without saying that as you get older, you find yourself questioning all kinds of things about yourself: direction, purpose and mortality for starters. This resonated even more now than ever due to recent events in our lives.

A week ago, one of Josh’s younger brothers passed away suddenly. It’s a long, complicated story. While dealing with the chaos of that, I received some not so good news about my mother’s health. On the same day. Needless to say my soul finds itself on the Cliffs Of Fragility. One small thing can push me over at any given moment.

Despite the sadness and upheaval in Josh’s world, he made the best effort to not let it cloud my day. I didn’t expect him to, he has no control over things like that happening! Life doesn’t stop for special occasions and holidays. Yet, somehow he still managed to make me feel like the last unicorn of the forest.  I received a very large stack of cards in the mail that day as well as boxes of all kinds of amazing goodies from so many people, some I couldn’t even tell you who they were. They’re still coming in! Turns out he put out a blast on Facebook behind my back and orchestrated this awesome gesture. There was A LOT of crying on my end. Awesome, happy, tears triggered by my heart getting touched in places that felt so very neglected as of late. It was like a long drink of ice water after being in the desert for weeks.

As if it wasn’t enough, Josh also commissioned my friend Brit Rodriguez to write me a little dirty, birthday song. Not only did I cry from the feels, but it is funnier than hell. It sounds so sweet with Brit’s lovely voice and her ukelele but the song is NSFW so you’ve been warned. You can read the lyrics here.

 

The rest of the day was spent driving to SFO  to pick up Jenner who happened to be visiting from Germany and spent the day with us over sushi. Overall the day itself was awesome. Shit, I was just grateful I wasn’t sick like previous years! If you were one of the many people who dropped me cards, comments, texts, messages, mailed gifts… and every other form of reaching out and touching someone, THANK YOU. So very much. xo  – and my dude… gawd, he just brought it.

Want to hear something funny? The day after my birthday I got an automated phone call from my health care provider reminding me the importance of scheduling a mammogram. Thanks for waiting a day to not be the buzzkill Kaiser! Cause nothing says “Happy Birthday” like the thought of your tits flattened to pancake status. Well played!

I know a lot of women lament the passing of age with the whole “I’m getting old” whatnottery. Don’t get me wrong, it has been interesting to see how things change as I age. My perspectives, the way I handle things, the way I am changing physiologically. Things just don’t bounce the way they used to. Literally! And my god, I would like to think I have paid my dues but did I have get the never ending, refilling chin zit on my birthday? Doesn’t that shit stop? Clearly the answer is NO. Zits and saggy whatnot aside, I do not have a problem admitting that this is who I am, why deny the truth? I just don’t roll that way.

I have been thinking a lot about life/mortality. It’s hard not to when it has knocked so closely.  I am honestly scared of the end because I cannot bear the idea of it… and not because of me, but because of what it would do to others. I love my life and those who I have chosen to share it with me. I was lucky enough to find the perfect compliment and companion to share my life with and when you have that, you want every minute to last and count. Every year that passes, is never enough. It will never be enough. I try not to let these feeling stress and consume me, but it’s tough.

One thing I do know for certain: the next decade will be spent focusing on gratitude, valuing, reminding those I love where they stand, accepting what comes my way and changing things that no longer serve me. Life is so so fleeting and I don’t ever want to feel like I squandered it.

This is 40.

*****

and in previous years: 39 + 38 + 37 + 36 + 35

the bear suit

Summer has quickly landed in our part of the world. A morning ritual of coffee and blog reading to the soundtrack of Only Lovers Left Alive. I have yet to see since it was only in one tiny theater and it came and went faster than a guy that hasn’t got any in a year. Such are the woes of small town living. I missed the boat on that one and it is complete and total blasphemy.

They say that your surroundings are a reflection of who you are. If that is the case I am scattered art supplies, sketches and papers that need sorting out. Another stack of black t-shirts, displacement everywhere yet some spots remain neatly organized. It’s not just your physical surroundings, it’s also the people you choose to have in your circle, near and far.

It’s gonna be a warm one today and I am already preparing for the onslaught of weather widget screen caps and people complaining about how awfully hot it is. “I have nothing of value to share so I am going to complain” or “here, a photo of my hamburger cause you have never seen a hamburger before” – it seems like that is the story of one a many lives, a state of decision making of who you choose to hide/remove/unfriend.

I don’t know, I am just so incredibly put off. I am going through a phase where I miss my friends. I miss realness and vulnerabilities, laughter with another person, eye contact. We live in this era where we are all glued to our phones yet we don’t use them for what they were made for, to TALK to other people. We retreat into this hole of texting, thumbs upping, virtual nodding and eye rolling. It is a slow descent into anti-social behavior when we are supposedly doing all of these things in an effort to be “social”. It’s sad to see how much the human experience is degrading itself and I can’t help but feel guilty because I know I do it too. In my own defense, I don’t even call people as much anymore because I pretty much know I am going to have another love affair with their voice mail.

It’s a complex problem and addiction. I stick around because I love finding that golden needle in the haystack of shit, the diamond in a pile of rubble. Everyone is a part of it and unless you join it, you end up missing out on life events, important things, moments that you used to call someone to share instead of writing a small passage on the internet. Sharing that sometimes comes with a constraining character limit, because that moment of importance to you is only worthy of 140 characters or less. To hell with that.

So maybe I, like Josh, need to shift the direction of my outlets a little. I am no writer, in fact I am a grammatical nightmare, a series of disconnected sentences… but my brain needs to tick a little harder than the speed it has been working at.

I really could spend another day doing nothing but marathoning Orange Is The New Black. But instead I am going to shift my focus on sorting out my space, take my kid to the pool and get our swim on, drown in some music, maybe draw a picture or 2… enjoy the CA sunshine that I missed so much and got back. Yeah, I like that.

He says, “Someone wore a bear suit to the Padres game last night and it’s on Deadspin”.
“Why?”
“Why not?”

Touché Josh.

It is one of those days…

The kind of day where….

You wish teleportation pods were as common as smart phones.

You want to be near certain people and it isn’t happening any time soon.

You want to scream from the mountain tops. Not sure what you’d scream but you would.

You wish you could make things better for other people.

You want to hold or be held by someone else that needs it just as much as you do.

You want to call up that person and say, “Yo! get your head out of your ass and snap the fuck out of it”.

You find yourself in between places.

You walk past a mirror at a store and wonder how you allowed yourself to leave the house looking like you are homeless.

You are overwhelmed at how much talent revolves around your general hemisphere.

You know you have so much you could be doing, finishing, starting and instead you’re in a haze of unfinished ideas.

You realize there is far more potential to tap into and you haven’t figured out how to take that step just yet.

You really come to grip that things with certain friends will never be the same, where the memories and history just aren’t enough band-aids.

You hear a song and it sends you back to some of the best moments of your life.

You ever have one of those days? Yeah, me too.

fleeting

Back in 2001, I found myself in a place where I needed to share my voice. I was in my mid 20’s, working on finding myself and in doing so I stumbled upon the world that was livejournal. In that world I found that there were people like me, with things to say and moments to share. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I spent a good portion of my blogging life on livejournal because not only did it allow me to put it out into the world but it facilitated my meeting some of the people who to do this day I call friends. Some of those people have joined my ranks in close friendship and camaraderie, some I know but wish I had the opportunity to know better.

This is the thing, when you shared your life with someone even if by spilling your guts to a blank screen, you welcome people into your life. You’re allowing them a glimpse of you, your happiness, your pain, your vulnerability.

Over the years I have met so many wonderful people over the internet: Photographers, writers, DJ’s, designers, artists of all kinds, performers… name me a path and I probably know someone that travels down it. The one thing I keep coming back to is the fact that some of my favorites to this day are people who shared that old school livejournal bond. People like Michelle (x2), Diana, Jenner, Siobhan, Dinah… fuck, way tooooooo many to name here. Despite the fact that a lot of us have gone different routes we will always have that common bond. We’re OG.

Last night I was met with the news that Sarah (aka Sparkly Devil), one of those core lj people, passed away in a tragic car accident. A person with vibrancy, life, undeniable spunk and likability. Were we the best of friends? Not at all, but she was one of those people, the kind that was honest with herself and shared every inch of her. You couldn’t help but be drawn in. We never had the opportunity to meet in person but she was on my list, people who the e-world brought into my life and I knew I wanted to meet one day. We will never have that chance now. I hate when you see GOOD people go so mercilessly. It is beyond saddening and infuriating. I don’t think I will ever understand why life is this way, when the promising get dimmed far before their time.

I can’t help but think about it though. It isn’t about me or you… but the feelings of loss bring out introspection. If you saw the obscene amount of outpour over her loss, you would be floored. One person had the ability to touch, love and influence so many lives. ONE. It’s a beautiful thing.

I tend to be pretty open about who I am, what my life is, who I love, how I feel. I try to be forthcoming with my loved ones and friends as much as possible and in seeing this I am reminded that I don’t do it nearly enough. I think that is part of the reason I have been sending so much mail lately. I want people to know I had the time for them, to tell them “hey! you’re awesome”, I love you, I miss you…

I don’t do it enough.

Is there someone you admire? Tell them why.
Is there someone who has changed your life? Tell them how.
Do you find someone inspiring? Say it.
Have you been holding on to feelings that really should be put out there? Let them go, even the bad ones.

DO IT. DO NOT WAIT.

I cannot tell you enough how liberating it is to live a life where you are true to your voice. It goes without saying, hold yours close and don’t let go. Life is so fleeting, if you close your eyes and heart you might just miss it all.

I leave you with her words…

“This really captures the philosophy of my life: be fucking fabulous, live for joy, embrace the beauty of the absurd, and fuck anyone who gets in the way of your happy.”

Sarah “Sparkly Devil” Klein

Thank you for reminding us all.

giving yourself away

You know that moment when you are looking for things like your keys and sunglasses, you wrack your brain over their whereabouts only to realize they’re in your hand or on your head? Then you feel like a maroon. Yeah. I have those too. Like today I rode my butt over to the post office only to realize the loot I was mailing was left on the kitchen counter. Doh.

Anyway, yesterday I found myself boiling over the edge and I took to the ole stomping grounds of my livejournal account to post a big ole explosion of words. It needed to happen and the reason it didn’t happen here was cause I was going off about stuff that cannot be public domain. I will sum it up: Josh got the “thanks but no thanks” by a potential employer and recruiter. What blew my top was just how grossly unprofessional the whole process was. So yeah, the Bay Area was becoming imminent and it didn’t happen. We are more than ok with this cause it would have been like getting on the Titanic knowing full well there was an iceberg in its future.

Back to this staring you in the face stuff…. I went to facebook and posted this whole cryptic whatnot about my mystery rant on livejournal and it piqued interest. All of a sudden people were saying, “man! why did I delete my account!”. I know you did.

If you read my livejournal back in the day, before I was posting on my own domain, you will know that my going off about shit was a thing of legend. I tend to be quite verbose when I am pissed off about something that is for sure and I am good at it. Thing is it brings out this nasty, sourpuss of a person which I am trying so hard not to be. But that is what kept people coming around cause they knew eventually I would cross the line of propriety and bitch about [insert subject here].

So I’ll make you a promise, I will do my best to bring it to the table. It isn’t all fluff, art and blooming Spring here. Trust. I just have to choose the words appropriately. The success of a properly dished rant is all contingent on timing and delivery.

Although, speaking of Spring, the other day I saw this tree and I pulled over to cam-ho it up underneath it. Nature makes the best backdrop and this shade of pink is about to disappear til next year. Pretty, no?

So what else is new?

Oh you want to see some bullshit? This right here is bullshit. That moment you open up an overpriced vessel of nature’s butter only to be met with a giant bone in the middle. My other hand would be flipping this off if it wasn’t taking this blurry ass picture instead. First world problems, I know. I take my avocados seriously.

The other day I was sitting at Walgreens waiting for an Rx to be filled. Across from me was an older couple, probably in their mid 70’s. I was entertained with my music but I could not help observing how these two, miserable fucks gawked and made comments to each other about every woman that passed them by. Out of the corner of my eye, I glance a lovely tattooed beauty heading our way and I could already tell where this was going to go. You got to keep in mind that around my hood, you do not see heavily tattooed ladies so she stood out even more. She passed and they gave her the ups, downs and then muttered crap to each other over her appearance, snickering. It honestly took everything in me to not tell them off. I wanted to but then I saw the pile of garbage they were buying: king size boxes of candy – 3 milk duds, 1 hot tamale, 2 mike and ikes, 2 large bags of Cracker Jacks, a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a 12 pack of coke. Diet, for good measure. The woman with feet so red and bloated they muffin topped her mary janes but the tattooed girl was the one with issues. I guess my point of sharing this anecdote is sometimes it’s just best to keep your mouth shut and let fate have its way with people like that. Enjoy that Diet Coke, assholes.

And here are a couple of photos I liked from this week….

Top Left: New stationery! Out Of The Woods notecards are by Emily Martin/The Black Apple on etsy. The others are from Paper Source. Speaking of, need to send another batch of snail mail, especially to those of you who have sent or responded! Maybe one of these will be yours.

Other than that I am really working to get some comission work out from under me so I can focus on designing stuff for sale: aka fabric and gift wrap prints for Spoonflower and artwork for my Society6 shop. Girl wants to make some cheddar to invest in a printer.

Anything you would like to see?

back to basics

Recently I read a blog post that someone else linked to and something in it really resonated with me…

“It seems to me like that the last time blogging was fun was a few years ago. Blogs became less of a reflection of a way things are and more a reflection of what people want.” – helenjane.com

Not my words but definitely the right ones.

Let’s face it, the world of blogging has become a vapid hole. Facebook has pretty much paved the way for the lazy to say what they want to say without having to make the effort to communicate their thoughts in a more eloquent manner. Sites are making the shift from feelings and desires, to wants and false sense of need.

I remember when I started my livejournal account well over 10 years ago, I was naive to the world of writing (still am) and really had nothing to lose. I put it out there, the good, the bad and the really fucking ugly. Not sure how but with that honesty I made e-friends and in some cases, more than that… I eventually met my husband and people who I still call friends beyond the electronic box on my desk.

One of my favorite bloggers recently wrote a post, an emotional post full of perfect wording and obvious vulnerability. I watched it blow up from overwhelming comments of “I have so been there” to people judging her for what and how she wrote it.

It’s like all of a sudden we are not allowed to show more than just the obvious: the photos, the fun, the self portraits in our bathroom mirrors. Showing any form of honesty and vulnerability is met with either sympathy or punishment.

As archaic as people seem to think that Livejournal has become, it had something that no amount of social media sites could replicate: Community. Any scumbag can have a twitter and facebook account, but not everyone can be anything like the amazing, smart, witty, sympathetic and quality people I have met over the years via my blog. Sorry chirpy bird and Zuckerberg, your shit has become a necessary evil to many but it will never be my number one when it comes to putting myself out there.

The walls have come down and on many occasions they have been under lock, key and wall… only for a few to know and see. You know what? That stops right now. It changes right here. I say what I want, how I want, about what I want and either you can join in with me, to laugh, cringe and cry, or you go elsewhere.

The last of my family left us today. It has been an emotional series of days where my world shifted from the storm to the calm. As much as I was craving for things to go back to normal, the silence is deafening. It’s going to take me a bit to get my footing back to the steps I was walking in. Reza starts school really soon and I am going to have a lot more time to myself, see it how you will, this could be a good or a bad thing. I will know more when I get there. One thing I do know, the art and the bike are calling me hard and I am going to immerse myself in both.

musical association

I have been listening to the Danny Elfman channel on Pandora as of late and I cannot get over all the musical gems it keeps sending my way. Music from some of my favorite movies of all time.

And then they come, the tracks from The Lord Of The Rings. I remember Josh, Tom and I went to see the symphony perform the soundtrack at the Summer Pops. I was was also pregnant with Reza.

Reza really seemed to enjoy the bits that were from the Mines Of Moria because I clearly remember her moving around and squirming to the music. I don’t remember a lot of details of my pregnancy with her but that one is always a constant.

I get to thinking about Kevin of course, he loved those movies and every time they come on he always comes to mind. It feels like a punch in the gut and it makes me want to cry, sometimes I smile and feel full inside.

I’ve been thinking about mortality a lot lately and the possibility of the existence of afterlife. Not sure if that is your kind of thing but I got to thinking, if and when my time comes, I hope Kevin is the one to welcome me to the afterlife bash.

Damn I miss him.

conclusions of interaction

When you come to a realization that something takes up too much of your time and doesn’t contribute much to your current frame of mind, you got to accept that it is time to take a step back. You know who of which I speak… the site that sucks all of our time and in turn is taking a little of our souls with it.

While it is an easier method to stay in touch it also makes things far too accessible. I will be the first to admit that because I live somewhere where I have little to no friends and I know so many awesome people all over the world, I like the convenience of the one stop shop but how rewarding is it really? My social life is on a screen and that is really fucking sad.

I don’t like what it is doing to me and what it has done to other people. Through this medium I have really come to learn and dislike aspects of people that I thought were… better? I have seen some really ugly actions and words… too much anger and vitriol. Not just in others, but in myself as well. Despite the fact that I try to let things brush off my back, I can’t. It’s like seeing someone get hit by a car, you carry that with you for the longest time. ( For the record, I have seen someone get hit by a car, it isn’t pretty)

I have never been one to care what others think about me but the idea that people would view the way I express myself as despicable hits a little too close to home. Every day I strive to be better, to make the next day better than the next… some days I fail, some not so much.

All I DO know is that I have a lot going on over here… things I could be doing, art I could be making/selling, writing I could be doing, photos I could be taking, time I could be spending with Reza and a house that could use a little more nurturing… both houses.

In turn I am going to scale back and focus on the aforementioned. I have a phone that rarely rings, email that collects spam and there is little to no connecting with people anymore. I cannot let a “social” website dictate the quality of interaction I have with my “friends”. So if you care to follow or know more of my goings on, my musings, my daily meanderings… I am going to be making an effort to put them here, my space… in an effort to wean myself off that social media drug that many people just roll with cause it is a necessary evil. Translation: I am lowering my fb intake and focusing on more important & fulfilling things/people.

As always, if you want to reach me you can always comment here, email me @ beansandink at gmail dot com or for those of you who have my number and home address, write and call me. Use them, please. I plan on doing the same with yours if I am lucky enough to have them.

I want to know there is more there than a thumbs up on a screen.