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we will always have spells and gravity
gazes from across the room
grey skies parting 
to rain 
traveling sideways

My annual birthday post comes late. It was my party and I will cry if I want to. I did. Truth be told it was a hard day – life doesn’t stop, even for special days and it’s not every day your birthday ends in a rare lunar eclipse. I am such a fucking Scorpio.

46 left me with so much…

Happy reunions with loved ones I hadn’t seen in far too long, an undiscovered vertebra that told me to take none of that shit, being kissed mercilessly, revelations that plummeted disappointment to lower depths, friendship that continues to be loyal as fuck, solidified and deepened connections, songs that cut me deeply, art that moved me, endless amounts of laughter with my kid and watching them be a god dammed warrior, tribe, tested comfort zones, being met, seen and accepted for nothing less than I am without agenda.

I got on a plane again, met several e-friends for the first time, passed a kidney stone (not recommended), too many covid tests, got vaccinated, had another successful solo art show, fell in love with taking care of my plants and arranging flowers, saw Nothing, went to Death Valley, reclaimed my motherfucking name, saw the world with a more amplified sense of wonder, wrote and wrote and wrote some more… and shared it all because I have nothing to hide. And a really big one? The out loud admittance that my previous life was abusive and unkind in many places – only to be packaged and sold as “love”. It wasn’t. I am not ashamed of Her, she didn’t know better and really wasn’t sure who she was just yet. I thought I did. I like who I am becoming so much more.

46 showed me that my truth continues to be the sharpest knife in my arsenal, that fear and insecurity are poison and I don’t give a fuck what people think of me. The greatest love of my life will always be Me, I enjoy my own company and that being wanted is far more meaningful than feeling needed. Because if there’s something that 46 gave me in abundance is choosing to not settle for mediocrity and bare minimum efforts from anyone. To tell those ghosts that come knocking again, “thanks but no thanks”. She showed me how to say “go fuck yourself” with silence or a gaze, how to stand my ground, how my peace has no price tag, that I enjoy being and feeling utterly free to live a life on my own terms, how to truly be accountable when I needed to be and when to hold others to the same standards because I deserve the world.

The most valuable lesson? Self worth. Every inch of my Olympus is not an altar for mortals to pray at, much less reside in. I am not a liner note kind of woman, I am the whole leather bound anthology and only the worthy will get to be a part of this story. And if they’re lucky? Turn. My. Pages.

*licks fingertips*

Hello 47. Let’s see what you got.

xo

I sensed it in the air from the second I woke this morning. A fragrance of Earth, salt, sea and magic. I could feel it coming and it has not been disappointing thus far. A clap so loud the house shook, the aroma of soil, asphalt and renewal rising into my lungs.

My missives are usually scrawled in ink on paper these days… sometimes for me, sometimes for those I know care to read, or when asked to, just because he loves seeing certain things wielded by my hand. And what would have been a hand written entry has surprisingly found itself in these dusted off parts of me. Maybe I will scan those scrawled pages so those revelatory words can be felt, just as much as seen.

Maybe.

Nonetheless, on a whim I opened this page several days ago and re-read the very few entries that remain public. Sparse, but colorful and jagged, like a rare piece of sea glass. What a ride it has been since then, since before then, and never in a million years did I expect to be where I am now. So much has happened.

I cannot even begin to list out the amounts of things, beings, experiences, emotions and wisdom the last year has given me. Treasures and revelry with those who are willing to ride this ride without fear or abandon. Willing to slam the brakes or step on my pedals just to see how fast she can go.

I have fallen in love with everything around me. With words, scents, prose, poetry, art and flora. Every day I am shown selfless care, truth and wonder from places far and wide or sometimes in my own back yard – a welcome revelation from the least expected of places. All a journey to being the Me I always knew was within, but they didn’t want me to be. Unapologetically raw, devastatingly sensual, brimming with peace in my own truth.

This hasn’t been without its hardships, that’s for sure. Painful lessons of violations and eye-opening disappointments that felt more like nails holding my eyelids open than the gentle light coming over the horizon. All while living through the most bizarre of unplanned timelines filled with death, ignorance and abject cruelty, some of which arrived in the places I least expected them from. Add trying to guide and shape not only my life, but the one I brought into this world? Ouch. A perpetual juggling of daggers and every once in a while, a little blood is inevitable – but I do my best to make sure it isn’t at my own hand. I am not in the business of wounding and I have a lot of scars, what’s one more?

My space is brimming with the sound of water hitting concrete, the trains wailing by and the occasional laugh from the couch by the light of my life – who continues to make everything so very worth it.

The veil thins and I can feel my intuition searing through my veins. And if what she is telling me is correct, there are a lot of really incredible and wicked things working their way to find and savor me.

I just need to open the door, sink my feet into the water and let the sky pour her majesty onto my skin…

And let the storm in.

It’s Mother’s Day weekend and I already have the best gift I could have asked for. I’m so incredibly grateful for what they brought into my world. Not sure what I did to get this winning lottery ticket of a person in my life. Don’t pinch me because being their Mom is a dream come true. 

The bond we have will never be superseded. Not time nor space. Nothing and NO ONE will get between us and fuck, have I worked HARD for her and us. Of this you can be assured. 

We continue to teach each other about growth, resilience and resolve – through laughter and tears, mistakes, profanity, awesomely bad music, balance, indulgence, adventure, acceptance and honesty.

This perfect, not so tiny human gives me drive, intention and fight. Tooth and fucking nail. They deserve the world and I will do everything I can to make sure they get it. And I will remind them of it till breath stops filing my lungs. It was always just us anyway. 

Happy Mother’s Day to us, Reza. Thank you for choosing me to be yours.

Never do you feel more small and delicate when you’re hit with yet another sense of loss. Grief arrives in many forms: loss of loved ones, watching things go in a direction you didn’t them to, being embraced by memories of your former life. And they all sting.

Today that humility arrived in the form of a friend passing on. I can’t help but be angry how Charon keeps paddling across all these wonderful, kind and inherently good people. It’s beyond unfair.

Yet I try to find the purpose and meaning in it all. Sometimes things like this happen cause the Universe is a cruel bitch, but sometimes they’re the Universe slapping you upside the face, kinda like Cher in Moonstruck, “SNAP OUT OF IT!!”

You see, the past 24 hours have been a bit of a mindfuck. I take it back, the past month has. Another round of what feels like dog years, blow after emotional blow where I feel like I cannot come up for air before something else is tying itself to my ankle to sink me back down.

What was that? It’s early February? 2020 is gonna be aces? Shit. I am not throwing in the towel by any means here. Me? But look, I was having a real “woe is me” moment. A “can I catch a break? Because I am fucking exhausted!” pity party moment.

And then I read the news and boy did I feel like such a first world problems BABY. I’m not going to diminish my struggle by any means. It doesn’t mean that some of the things I have had happen to me in the past year aren’t absolute fuckery, cause lord knows they have been. But damn…

Another friend’s heart stopped beating… another set of lungs took their last breath today.

And I am sitting here squandering those moments.

Every day I strive to be a better, stronger, more authentic version of myself. It’s a journey that will always continue because arrival is for people lying to themselves. We are never there.

And yet here is another reminder knocking near my door….
Life is short. Life is fleeting.
Why and what are you waiting for?
Don’t be safe. Be bold. Be brave. Tell fear to go fuck itself.
Want it? Then get it.
Don’t have it? Then ask for it and be ok if it isn’t the answer you hoped for.
Say what you need to say. Be authentic to yourself . Be true.
Answer truthfully when your best friend starts questions with “You need to ask yourself why….”
Allow yourself to be vulnerable and trusting even when both of those things have been absolutely decimated.

Rewiring old thoughts, habits and behaviors are hard as hell.

Recently a close and long time friend said to me…

“Remember, you were the gold Ivonne”

“Remember… you were always the gold, Ivonne”

thank fuck for friends who do their best to remind you.