*click* (blank blog post window appears)
Starts typing out and not only does that opening sentence make no sense, it just sounds stupid.
This is how it usually starts and I find when I really want to say something that isn’t superficiality, you always have to find a decent point of entry.
*another sentence is typed, highlighted and deleted*
I feel like I am on the edge of something. You ever have that moment when you get what you want and then you think, “now what?”. That is where it is. For years it seemed that leaving NJ was the goal. So much so that everything fell to the side. And it happened…. and then you realize there were a lot of things that got neglected cause you were focused (read: stressed) to think about anything else.
I haven’t really been mentioning it much but the past few months I haven’t been well. The anxiety, stress and physical demand of the move really messed me up. Pair that with eating out far more than one should and things just happened. I am having issues with my joints, hands, arms.. they feel stiff and overall my system feels like a swollen, unhappy mess.
I was lucky enough to find out that the Tibetan medicine dr. I was seeing in San Diego a couple years back has a practice about an hour from where we are and he sees patients once a month. It’s a sign and just like that I jumped at the opportunity to go under his wing once more. I saw him yesterday and I am about to take on the undertaking of some lifestyle changes. I need to. I am seriously noticing some changes in my body and I know a lot of it is attributed to age. I will be 39 in November and while that is still a young age, I don’t feel that way and things need to change. Damn you nature and your whole process!
Reza going to school full time has been key here. I have more free time and all of a sudden the gates are open for me to do more with myself and for myself. I went from 2.5 free hours a day (peanuts) to full time. I could hear Kool & The Gangs’s “celebration” in my head as we walked back to the car after dropping her off. It sounds selfish as fuck and in the parenting world you’re very much viewed as such cause you want “me” time.
The other day I shared a photo that was going around of a mother jumping for joy cause her kids were going back to school. It was passed around all over Facebook… yes, you know where this is going. Of course I fell trap to reading the comments section, aka where the cesspool of humanity goes to unload on one another. What was supposed to be a joke turned into a parental bashing session and many of the comments summed up: that somehow you aren’t a good parent for celebrating your moment to breathe. You should want to be with your precious nugget 24/7! That is what you signed up for! You like that? Some parents live for this shit, being the taxi driver, lunch packer, nose wiper… good for you if you do. I enjoy it but it isn’t everything I am. I guess this is where I differentiate myself. Before I am a mother, I am a woman, person, wife. If I don’t honor the other roles in my life how am I supposed to be good at the one I am “supposed” to enjoy the most? Balance. Too much focus on one and another will suffer. I don’t suck myself into the role of motherhood the way a lot of other people do and I just can’t allow myself to being condemned for doing/acting in a manner that feels right for me. Newsflash people: There is no model for the RIGHT way. If you think there is, well I don’t know what to tell you.
So the next couple of weeks are going to be interesting. I have a lot of time and I plan on putting it to better use. Getting back on an exercise routine, eating better, getting back into the art, making our space feel more like home. Speaking of space…
We knew that coming to NorCal was going to be an adjustment. The cost of living here is a lot higher and we downscaled in order to make it happen. Apartment living has been interesting, especially when you haven’t done it since 2005. You learn a lot about people when you have to share space, walls and amenities with them. I could do without the smoker under us who really doesn’t give a F her cancer cloud comes into our apartment for one. People can be so gross. You know what else is sad? People who don’t know the difference between trash and recycling. Edumacate yourselves fools! Electric stoves and mini blinds blow. Ha! I get the electric stove part though, the last thing you need is your apartment getting blown up cause the moron next door doesn’t know how to use a stove properly. I do miss cooking over a fire…. electric stoves take away the primal joy of cooking.
I will say one thing, the people here are a lot nicer. Damn. You know how nice it was to take Reza to school and no one looked at us like we got off a fucking space ship? Awesome. It just makes me have a better disposition. Maybe it’s because I appreciate my surroundings that much more, because I know what it likes to feel displaced and incomplete. It is sad that sometimes you need to lose the things you love in order for you to really appreciate them. You feel me? Trust me, I felt and heard it loud and fucking clear. Just trust me on this one.