It was a day that changed the course, the moments all piled into one another…
“You want to meet my family?”
… I remember the look her mother gave us
“I’m in love with you” on a street corner
“Let’s just go get your things and we will figure it out”
… She took my hand and that made it I swear
He kissed me in my car to that song, sitting outside of what eventually would be our home because he just stayed and we never looked back.
… without a purpose or direction
“I hope I don’t regret this”
And that’s all it took. One day, many moments and a song to match.
I had a hard time listening to that one for a while because it embodied a flood of memories and feelings and when you’re going through the inventory of moments that have led you to where you are, you can’t help but look back and wonder what you could have done differently.
It’s weird how when you’re caught in the moment, especially those when you’re falling for someone, you don’t see, think or act rationally. Who does in their 20’s after all? I know I didn’t… I just did and rolled with it cause it’s what felt good for me at the time and I really didn’t think about what I said/did and how it affected others. I was naive and believed everything and everyone and when it feels like the world is being promised to you on a plate, and it’s like a perfectly cooked meal, you can’t help but want to eat it up. Especially when you’re starving.
And I look back… and it was always there. That person is still there but I see it now. Here I am, 18 years later, reliving that moment from back when, but now I am the one on the outside looking in and it’s being served on a paper plate with plastic utensils. The boasting, the parading, their not caring for how their actions hurt others… even when I practically implored for kindness and was told it wouldn’t happen that way. You got it. But then, it did*. Shit, for all I know I am also being branded as bitter and crazy** too…. and the blame will fall on my hands as if I had orchestrated and painted that portrait with a brush I wasn’t holding.
…We don’t owe anyone a fucking explanation
You know, it’s probably karmic retribution because I fell victim to unintentionally hurting someone for the sake of our happiness many years ago. In hindsight, I am pretty ashamed I ever acted that manner but I was so young and was fed all kinds of beautifully cultivated words that now I wonder if they were even true. Naïveté and the lack of self esteem veiled me. But it’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to believe that people who love you meet you with the same honesty and sincerity you’re giving them.
While everyone tells me I need to fake it till I make it, I am also drudging through the mud like that horse in the Neverending Story, except I am allowing myself to feel all the things, without masks, distractions, shiny new things to keep me away from my pain. This is so hard! But the lesson to be learned here is above and beyond anything I could have seen coming or imagined. And holy shit am I doing me a solid learn and when I finally reach the brighter end of the tunnel, the growth will be so exponential. And I won’t sink.
But then there’s this song that reminds me of this moment in our life. We attach memories to sounds, sights and smells… and when we hurt we tend to avoid them and I have been doing the opposite. An audible embodiment that stings when it’s on, so much so you have to skip it to avoid being kicked in the proverbial dick. Yet the other day I didn’t.
Reza and I had had an absolute shit day. We were both really sad because we were both processing the same thing but from two very different ends. We were sitting at home and I decided to spontaneously take her to this build your own noodle bowl/Mongolian place she had never been to and afterwards we hit a new store to see their Halloween offerings that yes, are already out in July. Bite me. It brings us the most joy and was pretty healing to the mood we were both lifting. And the time with my girl has been the best medicine cause we cry, laugh, and eventually let out a fart to make each other snap back into the moment.
It was a warm Summer evening, I’m driving way too fast on the freeway with the windows down and we were blasting Blink 182, singing loudly.
The Rock Show.
It was one of those moments where something that was once great, then hurtful, became something else because in that moment I took it and transformed it into something new. Something beautiful.
And then it came full circle.
… I fell in love with a girl at the rock show
* People never seem like “the type” until one day, they just are.
** Pay attention to how your partners talk about their exes. It says a whole lot about who they are