I can’t do this anymore.

I made a decision to get off meds yesterday*. I haven’t been on them very long (5 months) but it has brought on the most terrifying yo-yo of feelings. For a while it was up and down, then it leveled, then I felt nothing, then they got changed, then it hit me like a pillowcase filled with bricks. Try breathing when your ribs feel cracked.

I tried it, even against my better judgement, but I had to exhaust all options to see what would help. I tried… and it’s not working for me.

I am *very* sensitive to all types of medication. I am pretty self aware and intuitive to my body, it’s kinda exhausting at times. I was told most people take 20mg+ and I was on FIVE. Five made me feel out of body, high, foggy and like I felt nothing good. I hate being out of control and fucking with my chemistry was sending me down this path that only made me more worried, anxious and doubtful of everything and everyone.

I am coming out of a week-long fog right now where I wanted to do nothing but lay in bed and cry, actually, I did. I would look at myself in the mirror and didn’t recognize who I was. The people around me probably don’t either. They’ve stood by and supported me and loved me patiently as I drove this car recklessly, knowing I would probably crash it into a damn wall. They knew it and had to let me because I can be far too stubborn for my own good. I had to get there when I was ready.

So I got off the train. I just can’t do this, I can’t live like this and if it means feeling all the things vs this anesthetized version of a person I have become, I am jumping off. This isn’t living.

*****

*Note: this is being done with medical supervision and is not an anti-meds post. I know for some people it is a necessity and works for them wholeheartedly. I am just realizing that this isn’t a path for me. 

 

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