The moment arrives when you decide it’s time to drop some realness on Facebook. No music links, no regurgitated articles, no politics…. just some dirty, emotional realness. You type it out, edit and re-read it over and over and then you click submit. Then your internet connection happens to drop at that exact same moment. You know what happens next and in my case it was a series of expletives and annoyance at my inability to remember to copy and paste shit. One would think I would have learned that one by now. One would think.
In any event, considering I am trying to see the signs in next to everything these days, I decided maybe that was the universe telling me that maybe I just needed to sit on that one for a bit and come back at it with a different set of eyes. I really hate the whole “things happen for a reason” narrative though. It can be true mind you, but it has become so overused that it has lost its meaning. It’s cliche, trite and sometimes patronizing. Get out of here with that shit.
“Re-write it Ivonne, and make it better”
As usual life has taken on all kinds of shifts and in those shifts I have found places of silence and introspection but in turn I am also finding pockets where I have so much inside me that I can’t find enough places to put it. So much so that I feel like I am going to explode from this gamut of emotions that have been coursing their way through me. There has been a lot of crying. People associate tears with weakness and sadness but I am discovering that in my case, and maybe yours too, that saline projecting from one’s eyeballs is just one more way to release, to show that things really hit home or to be a demonstration of real, transparent vulnerability.
Mortality has been on my mind a lot and with it come the never ending lists of existential questions. The big ones we like to ignore from asking ourselves. Have I accomplished much? Could I be doing more? What could I be doing less of? If my time came, could I say I did it right or would I go with heaviness and regrets? See where I am going with this? Huge questions and it has been a heaviness that has lingered to the point of pushing me to the edge. This shit is scary and for people like me, whose brain can’t seem to stop overanalyzing and playing shit out in my head, it can make one downright salty. I am trying not be salty.
With that in mind, I am also feeling utterly full and grateful about so many things. I am working on new art for a 3 person show in Chicago this April. With it comes a lot of digging deep, challenging myself and just hoping that what I have to offer touches someone. I know it does and has but the insecure person in me loves to self sabotage. Working on that shit. But to get to grace the glorious black walls of Ars Memoria in the company of some utterly talented women just really keeps me humble that someone believes in me that much to ask me to be a part of it.
The other day I read this article that really fucked me up in the best of ways. It touched me in a form of personal validation and spoke to me a lot about who and how I am. I tend to be misread a lot so when you see something that not only validates how you navigate your own waters and in turn leaves you with “and it’s ok if you do” feeling? Mind blown. In turn it has sparked some really interesting conversations and allowed me to dig deeper into my own way of processing.
I will say that as of late I have had some really rewarding experiences and conversations with some of my nearest and dearest. Over the years I have watched my circle decrease in diameter and it has really left me in this smaller place where I am surrounded by less quantity and a hell of a lot more quality. My closest relationships are teaching me a lot about myself and in turn it has allowed me to grow by leaps and bounds in ways that have no measure. There’s a large dose of humanity when you try to be conscientious and selfless. The way I communicate is changing in a manner that is becoming this no holds barred freedom, where my truths roam like a herd of wild stallions with no fence. Operating from a place of truth, humanity and taking complete ownership of who I am, what I am, my feelings… even the really hard ones. The really dark ones – and you have no idea how many of those I have. In turn it is lifting anvils off my shoulders because I have surrounded myself with people who know me, play with me and are still more than willing to drink from me even if the edges of my cup are chipped, jagged and could make your lips bleed. Those who take me in and truly see me in ways that shape my flaws as perfection.
There’s this moment where one turns the corner and the eyes are a little more focused and you see things with far more perception and depth of field. A little more awake, in tune, but still looking for a lot of the answers – some of which I may never get. But that’s ok too. Getting there is part of the fun and lesson, even if it hurts like a motherfucker. (Ah shit, shuffle just brought up “Time” by Hans Zimmer while I type this…. here come the waterworks…) And in this turn you find yourself open hearted, seeing beauty in the most broken of things, falling in love with Everything and Everyone. Trying to stay in love with the world while I still have it. What a world it is.
And that’s where I am.
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