Good morning 39, today is the first day of my last year with a three in front of it.
I started my day off by cleaning up a gift in vomit form courtesy of Gomez, Josh had to go to work, the maintenance light came on in the car and I got a much needed 90 minute massage. As up and down as that all seems, this is the happiest birthdays I have had in a long time. The past two I was sick. Last year I was rendered useless and bedridden, on my damn birthday. What the hell Universe? Not cool.
Look, I can’t blame the Universe for that shit. Truth be told is that I was a reflection of everything that was inside me. I hated New Jersey and as much as I tried my best to like it, I was a miserable grinch. I look back at my posts and photos from that time and I was not a happy person. You could see it. It was like living in the Swamps Of Sadness. Between my diet and an overall distaste for my surroundings, that is why I was sick and pissy all the time. I don’t know how many times it has been pointed out to me that since we moved back to CA you can see the sparkle in my eyes again, that the general undertone in the way I represent myself is much more pleasant and agreeable. You would never believe just how much location plays a part in your overall happiness. It does and I am living proof.
The other day I was at Whole Foods getting some coffee and this barista type hipster boy with anchor tattoos was “ma’am-ing” the hell out of me. I get that it is courteous and respectful, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to slap him upside the head, shit son!
Look, I am normally not the kind of woman to get all head trippy about getting old. I realize it is a fact of inevitability and all things considering I don’t feel or look like a haggard broad. Sure, things crackle and I have a few more white hairs in places I don’t even care to see. It is hard to wrap yourself around that mentality that you are no longer in Spring Chicken territory. Can you blame me? We live in a society where women are valued for their image before anything else. We go from being desirable and fresh and then one day you turn the corner into Ma’am Land with a Fast Pass to Cougar Island. F that noise.
Last night Josh surprised me with VIP tickets to see Chvrches in Oakland. The Fox Theater is a kick ass venue and the small perks from the VIP upgrade were well worth the extra cash. I hate general admission with an undying passion. Find the tallest guy in the venue and he always is in front of my midget ass. I can’t see, I get shoved and then I just want to clock someone. No point in paying to just end up all kinds of pissy. Chvrches sounded spectacular and was a great show. The Bay Area crowd is just so different from the Philly crowd, night and day.
I only took a few photos cause I wasn’t going to be like the couple next to us who were both on their phones THE ENTIRE TIME. texting, selfies, face timing people, taping the whole damn show. Who does that? Why spend the cash to go out if you’re gonna be glued to the electronic leash. It’s kinda sad. But eft those hippies. I had a great time, even walking away with the set list I snagged from one of the sound board guys. Woot!
Last year I said I was going to accomplish some things and did I?
Bike more? A little, weather and health wasn’t the best.
Write more letters? Yes! Considering I have probably sent about 60-70 cards this far, I would say I am all right there.
Make and sell more art? I would say I broke even here.
Get out of NJ? HELL FUCKING YES.
See new places? Check.
Stay true? Always.
Between two massive cross country moves, two completely new areas and lots of isolation, you can see how it would be easy to feel a little disoriented. Those moves really served a purpose though because it brought on a lot of internal growth. Sure, a lot of that was at the expense of heart ache and the true colors of others revealing themselves but still.
I guess this is where things get kooky. When you spend a good year and a half wanting something so bad, you finally get it, then you’re left with “now what?”. That is where I currently find myself. Having goals is a wonderful thing but getting to the finish line is only the means to another beginning, another race, another prize. I haven’t quite figured what that one is yet.
Now that we are back in CA I can focus on myself a little more instead of wasting my energy pissing on my surroundings so much. Yeah!
So yes, the last year of my 30’s. Let’s see what it brings. I have no plan but to roll with it and see where it goes.