good morning 39

Good morning 39, today is the first day of my last year with a three in front of it.

I started my day off by cleaning up a gift in vomit form courtesy of Gomez, Josh had to go to work, the maintenance light came on in the car and I got a much needed 90 minute massage. As up and down as that all seems, this is the happiest birthdays I have had in a long time. The past two I was sick. Last year I was rendered useless and bedridden, on my damn birthday. What the hell Universe? Not cool.

Look, I can’t blame the Universe for that shit. Truth be told is that I was a reflection of everything that was inside me. I hated New Jersey and as much as I tried my best to like it, I was a miserable grinch. I look back at my posts and photos from that time and I was not a happy person. You could see it. It was like living in the Swamps Of Sadness. Between my diet and an overall distaste for my surroundings, that is why I was sick and pissy all the time. I don’t know how many times it has been pointed out to me that since we moved back to CA you can see the sparkle in my eyes again, that the general undertone in the way I represent myself is much more pleasant and agreeable. You would never believe just how much location plays a part in your overall happiness. It does and I am living proof.

The other day I was at Whole Foods getting some coffee and this barista type hipster boy with anchor tattoos was “ma’am-ing” the hell out of me. I get that it is courteous and respectful, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to slap him upside the head, shit son!

Look, I am normally not the kind of woman to get all head trippy about getting old. I realize it is a fact of inevitability and all things considering I don’t feel or look like a haggard broad. Sure, things crackle and I have a few more white hairs in places I don’t even care to see. It is hard to wrap yourself around that mentality that you are no longer in Spring Chicken territory. Can you blame me? We live in a society where women are valued for their image before anything else. We go from being desirable and fresh and then one day you turn the corner into Ma’am Land with a Fast Pass to Cougar Island. F that noise.

Last night Josh surprised me with VIP tickets to see Chvrches in Oakland. The Fox Theater is a kick ass venue and the small perks from the VIP upgrade were well worth the extra cash. I hate general admission with an undying passion. Find the tallest guy in the venue and he always is in front of my midget ass. I can’t see, I get shoved and then I just want to clock someone. No point in paying to just end up all kinds of pissy. Chvrches sounded spectacular and was a great show. The Bay Area crowd is just so different from the Philly crowd, night and day.

I only took a few photos cause I wasn’t going to be like the couple next to us who were both on their phones THE ENTIRE TIME. texting, selfies, face timing people, taping the whole damn show. Who does that? Why spend the cash to go out if you’re gonna be glued to the electronic leash. It’s kinda sad. But eft those hippies. I had a great time, even walking away with the set list I snagged from one of the sound board guys. Woot!

Last year I said I was going to accomplish some things and did I?
Bike more? A little, weather and health wasn’t the best.
Write more letters? Yes! Considering I have probably sent about 60-70 cards this far, I would say I am all right there.
Make and sell more art? I would say I broke even here.
Get out of NJ? HELL FUCKING YES.
See new places? Check.
Stay true? Always.

Between two massive cross country moves, two completely new areas and lots of isolation, you can see how it would be easy to feel a little disoriented. Those moves really served a purpose though because it brought on a lot of internal growth. Sure, a lot of that was at the expense of heart ache and the true colors of others revealing themselves but still.

I guess this is where things get kooky. When you spend a good year and a half wanting something so bad, you finally get it, then you’re left with “now what?”. That is where I currently find myself. Having goals is a wonderful thing but getting to the finish line is only the means to another beginning, another race, another prize. I haven’t quite figured what that one is yet.

Now that we are back in CA I can focus on myself a little more instead of wasting my energy pissing on my surroundings so much. Yeah!

So yes, the last year of my 30’s. Let’s see what it brings. I have no plan but to roll with it and see where it goes.

*****
and in previous years: 38 + 37 + 36 + 35

holding hands

It is not a joke when I tell you that I know a lot of very talented people. In re-vamping my site it has becoming painfully obvious that much as I would love to share everyone’s link on my front page, it is getting a little cluttered.

So this is the deal, I want to share your links cause that is what friends and fellow creatives do. I found a happy medium and I plan on sharing these links on a new page of my blog.

So this is a call to artists, writers, photographers, musicians, crafters and bloggers! All you artsy fartsy types.

How do you get in on it? Provide me a banner. That’s it. Usually people charge for this whatnot but lets face it, my traffic isn’t obscene and I believe in good juju.

Here is a sample of what I would require:

Specifications: 600 x 100 px (exactly), jpeg or png format.

Design: whatever suits your biz.

You can email your banner to: beansandink@gmail.com

Please include the following: website url/page you would like to be linked to.

Word.
signaturesmlres

nine times two turn two

Our little sibling bastards turn two today! I call them bastards from the most loving spot in my black heart cause they both are pretty damn awesome. We were lucky enough to be at the right place and time cause I couldn’t imagine not having them around. I guess you can say I have been converted to a “cat lady” thanks to these two terrors.

Here’s Gomez and the velvet beast he has decided to claw into oblivion. He is lucky the couch is ancient as all hell.

Judas, aka Lady J, who I was lucky enough to catch on a white blanket so I could get a decent picture.

I would have loved to get a photo of both of them together…. yeah right!

So happy two years you clumsy, playful, hilarious fur balls!

the other day…

It is no news that Josh has been gone a lot in the past month. He hasn’t had a day off since mid October, paired with 12+ hour days, we find ourselves feeling the void. It has been a pretty difficult time for us because we all operate at our best when we are together. I am sure people would call this codependency but honestly, I can’t help it if I actually adore the person I married. He’s my person and that’s just the way it is and when your puzzle is missing a piece, it just isn’t the same picture.

We did this two years ago when we lived in NJ and it sucked. Even the most solid of structures can weaken when the foundation is going out. But, just like last time, I have been holding down the home front as best as I can. But I am being met with some lashing out on behalf of the girl, high stress and not handling things in the best way.

I had a bad day this week. It started with a sick child, a shitty excuse for a Drs. office who wouldn’t take us because we were out of pocket patients, coupled with sitting in some gnarly traffic, getting yelled at by an asshole parking assistant and ending in Josh having to stay at work till 2 a.m.. It just all came to a head and when I had to say goodbye to Josh yet again, I lost my cool and erupted into tears.

I don’t know how people do it. I don’t know how families part ways for extended periods of time and manage. I couldn’t do it. I like my coffee with sugar and cream and when one of those is missing, it just doesn’t taste the same.

And then this happened….

After Josh drove away, Reza and I came upstairs. I sat in my desk chair to peel off my boots, tears drying on my swollen face. Reza walks over to me, puts her arm around me, hand on my back and rubs up and down….

It’s ok Mama, I miss him too. But remember, he is always here and here” – and she pointed to my head and heart.

Then was the moment I got slayed by a 7 year old.

I would like to think I am a fortress and hold up like rock and stone. Like Helms Deep…. but even Helms Deep has its weakness and at that moment I was a pile of rubble.

I couldn’t believe I was getting talked down by my littles, reassuring me that things would get better. I don’t see that side of her very often. But I saw her at that moment. Many is the day where I question whether I am doing a good job at this parenting business and then she goes and says something like that and it makes me feel like even though I could always be a better Mom, somewhere in there is a reflection of us and I couldn’t be more proud.

jumbalaya

It’s time for another list… aka more jumbalaya stew.

The new M.I.A. is interesting. If you care to listen to it, it’s up on Spotify and streaming on NPR. One of the best lines… “YOLO? If you only live once then why do we keep doing the same shit?”. For real. Although I REALLY hate the term “YOLO”. I dig her style and hello? Gorgeous.

Dropped Josh off at his work at 6:30 a.m. for grand opening day. There were people parked in their cars on surrounding streets, lined up, waiting to get into the parking lot. Doors didn’t open till 9! People love their gambling, holy hell. But hey, the beast is unleashed. Maybe now the guy can get a fucking day off, some sleep, time to do the things that make him happy, you know, a social life? That’d be kinda cool. This dude? I miss him.

Want to know one of my weird habits? I have a horrible habit of leaving cabinet doors and drawers open. It drives Josh INSANE but he hides it well. Other than that time he walked into my underwear drawer in the middle of the night, cursing up a storm. I am not the kinda person to be with if you have OCD.

I am sad that October is over. It just went by too fast. But hey, November is here and my birthday is right around the corner. One more year in my 30’s. In any event, October had a lot of goodness. Here are some pix!

Speaking of October, Halloween… dude. So Reza decided to be Elphaba and insisted on being green. I agree with her there. The make-up ended up working out pretty well but it took a while to get there. I won’t lie, she looked bad ass and she knew it too. I had to curb her a little from showing off. I decided to be a last minute nun and it worked out. I think I started something at home though *snicker*

All the xmas goodies are starting to make their way into stores. Lord, please spare my waistline and give me the willpower to make it through the holidays. PLEASE.

Reza was sick and I called to try and get her in somewhere. I was met with some poorly veiled “you can’t afford it” attitude when I mentioned I was an out of pocket patient. It is pretty grotesque that your cash isn’t good enough, or it is implied you’re some dirty leper cause you don’t have insurance. They’re pissed they can’t bill someone $300 for a damn q-tip. Needless to say the mama rage was in full effect yesterday. But I got her seen, medicated and on the mend.

Lots of heavy whatnot going on around… pet loss grief, major health issues, life and death situations. It puts so much in perspective. I’m listening and taking notes. Last week I made a couple silhouettes for some departed critters.

I am currently in process of backing up all my data and will soon wipe my iMac which just has way too much business on it. It’s going to be a royal pain in my ass. Sometimes it’s just better to start with a clean slate.

I really need to work on some shop goodies, not to mention rebranding my blog and shop stuff. My “look” needs a face lift.

Speaking of new look, I think I am ready to get back into Yoga. It has been far too long.

Namaste, bitches.