It goes without saying but we all have lives beyond what we choose to share publicly. Some of us have baggage, secrets or pasts. Then there’s family. I have always been the kind to share most of the goings on of my life but family is something I tend to keep in the background. I don’t talk about it much because it is a part of my life that I had chosen to shut out.

A lot of people don’t know this but I have a brother. I use the term “brother” lightly because he was rarely ever a person that merited that title. That’s us…

Henry, the second of four Garcia children. I am not sure what happened that he ended up so estranged from all of us but it was just that. He received the exact same amount of love, care and attention as me and my 2 sisters and somewhere along the line the distance grew larger and larger, to the point of estrangement. In the past 20 years I can’t even count on one hand how many times I interacted with him on the phone, much less in person.

In late 2009, my family got wind that he was diagnosed with some pretty worrisome medical conditions. It was grim. Despite our personal feelings, we sought him out to try and tie what little could be salvaged back together. We were met with strong feelings of rejection and disinterest. So much so that it was pretty much the final nail for me. It’s not that I am a callous and cold person, it’s just one can only try so much and not get anything in return. If there’s one thing I do know is my worth and no amount of blood relations will ever let me tolerate being disregarded. I do not subscribe to the church of “blood is thicker than water”. In the interest of self preservation, and the emotional abuse he put my parents through, I decided it came to head. There comes a time where you choose to cut the strings that hold you down, if anything when you know you can fly. So I did just that.

This morning I received the phone call that I knew would eventually come… “I don’t have good news and we knew this was coming but… he’s dead Ivonne”.

A lifetime of morbid obesity, bad habits and substance abuse, along with a heart condition finally caught up with him. Massive congestive heart failure and COPD. A month away from his 46th birthday, he passed away this morning. He was found by his “girlfriend” who came in to find him gone on the couch past the point of resuscitation. The girlfriend didn’t even have the balls to call my parents, she had the coroners office do it. Classy.

How do you get upset over the loss of someone you barely even knew? I honestly feel more for the upset my parents are going through. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. A parent shouldn’t have to bury their own child, it isn’t and shouldn’t be the natural order of things. Call me old fashioned.

I spoke with them earlier and I can honestly say they’re devastated. Despite his complete disregard for their love and feelings, they still loved him unconditionally. The love of a parent isn’t something you just shut off. I cannot even fathom what they are going through.

I am numb to the whole thing. It sounds horrible but it is hard to grieve for a complete and total stranger. He was never *there*, he never called, much less cared to even visit, even though he lived less than 30 minutes away. I have a few memories from my childhood that are the little I have to cling to because they’re pure and untainted. I was too young to know the reality that my brother was starting a long path of drug abuse that would eventually contribute to his demise.

I am angry because he had the opportunity to be a better man, a better person, a better son, a better brother. He didn’t. He chose and in his choices he retreated to carry his shame instead of asking for help. He was supposed to be the guy who kicked the asses of guys that broke my heart, who showed me how to change a tire and get under the hood of a car, who would take me to my first hair metal show and teach me how to ride a motorcycle, the guy who high fived Josh at our wedding cause he knew I was being watched over by the best man possible. Instead he shunned his entire family, didn’t come to our wedding and never got to know the amazing little girl he had for a niece. It’s a shame, an absolute and total shame.

Not that he was someone I knew, but now he really is someone that I used to know.

fuck.