It has been a rough week for me and pretty much all of my family. Between the constant amount of phone calls, developments, planning and truths coming to the surface, lets just say we are all probably very emotionally drained and the worst part isn’t even over yet.

My parents were on the next flight out the day after we got the news of Henry’s passing. They are in process of making the necessary arrangements. I have looked into changing my existing flight to San Diego but the cost, even with bereavement is too high so I am going to stick with my original plan. My trip home has changed direction significantly and I hope that everyone I had plans to see/do/visit etc., will understand that it’s going to have to be another time.

Yesterday I discovered that someone made a memorial page on facebook for Henry. In going through it there were all these posts from people about what a kind, loving and generous person he was. I won’t lie, despite my feelings and reservations it eventually broke me because in all this time, he had it in him for everyone else, except for his family. It’s hard not to take things personally, ya know? I cried my eyes out to Josh, trying to get a grasp as to what it was about me that was so horrible that he never had it in him to want a real relationship. Now, I will never really know.

I went back to that page today and read more… I got to thinking. Yes, it hurts a lot to think that he didn’t have that with us but he was loved, cherished and god knows what else by other people. He had something there and maybe through that page and the memories of others I can get an insight as to who he really was cause honestly, I can’t answer that. I got to stop making this about me and my feelings…. it’s hard though! I have so many of them all the fucking time. I have a wall I put up but even I have a moment where it comes down.

Anyway… my parents are on a mission to get the ball rolling and will probably not wait for me for many of the rituals for the deceased. I am ok with that. I am just glad I get to see my family even though the circumstances are not the best of terms. I will take it as an opportunity nonetheless.

Death is a very touchy subject and we all handle it in our own ways. There is no wrong way here. To some it may be inappropriate that I am putting so much personal out there. I just want to get a handle on all of my feelings before I have to face my parents who will be grieving very intensely.

I do want to say one thing though… to those of you who have reached out and said even the smallest of sentences, a text, a phone call, an e-mail, a comment on facebook… all of those things are like a little drop of Neosporin on a wound. It helps and thank you for being that wall of support in a really odd and difficult time for me and the familia.

And to those who I thought were my friends, who have said absolutely nothing, I hope you never have to feel the disappointment and total let down when you *really* need someone and they aren’t there.