I will be the first to admit it, I thought cooking with the crock pot was for lazy people. In fact, I never even owned one cause I thought it would be an insult to my stove slaving ancestors. But then one Christmas I opened up a box to a rice cooker (that I really wanted) that also doubled as a slow cooker. GASP! I see what you did right there Josh, trying to make me into one of those broads. *shakes fist*

Then something happened: we had a kid. Oh shit. All of a sudden, kitchen time isn’t as readily available and I am finding ways to make tasty food while not being in said kitchen for hours at a time. You chop up some stuff, a dash of seasoning, add your favorite protein and hollah! I know, I know… I shouldn’t call you lazy cause it really isn’t… Ok, you win universe. I admit defeat and the error of my ways, I am a crock pot bitch.

Trying to watch your diet during Winter sucks balls. You want thick, hearty, creamy, starchy… all of those words end up straight on your ass. No joke. So I know I can make some chili and at least a couple of those words will be in it and yet maybe there will be less thick on my ass. I know the husband would never complain about creamy thighs. But before this takes a one way ticket to Erotic City, let’s get to the food yeah? Ok.

Here is what you’re gonna need!

( meatses not shown to spare the non-carnivorous)

Chipotle Chili

1 lb ground turkey (or chicken, or beef – your call. I made turkey)
1 medium white onion
4-5 garlic cloves (freshly pressed)
1 tbsp olive oil
1 14-15 oz can black beans (drained)
2 15 oz cans of tomatoes (diced or whole)
1-2 tbsp of ground chipotle powder (depending on how much kick you want)
1 tsp chili powder *optional for more kick if needed
1/2 tbsp of ground cumin
1 pinch or 2 of all spice
1/4 tsp of paprika (I used smoked spicy paprika – it’s thee shiz)
salt & pepper to taste
splash of beer *optional

garnish options: grated cheddar and jack, sour cream, green onion, cilantro… etc.

1. Chop up your onion, press your garlic and cook on the stove along with the olive oil for a couple minutes.

(Note: I don’t know why these recipes you look up tell you to use onion and garlic powder – that’s BS. Use fresh, it’s better!)

2. Add your meatses of choice, break it up and make sure it’s cooked through.

3. Pulse the tomatoes in a food processor or blender. You want them still a little chunky so don’t get all ninja on them cause if not you’ll end up with soup.

4. Combine ALL OF IT in the slow cooker and let it fly!

I leave mine in at a minimum of 5 hours but you can milk it more. If you see it looking too dry, add a splash of broth or even better, beer. A good porter or IPA will do. None of this Budweiser shit.

I like my chili more con carne than con frijoles. If you want to bulk this up add another can of beans. I cut it back… it’s a self preservation thing you see? Can’t wake up all hot boxed at the hand of the husband. Also, careful with the salt and chili powders. Flavors intensify in the slow cooker so if you want to play those by ear and add as it cooks, totally up to you. This has a kick for sure.

After the slow cooker does its wonderful business, serve with your chili toppings of choice: sour cream, green onion, chopped cilantro, cheddar, cheddar jack, more hot sauce if you want a case of ‘ring of fire’. You know what I mean.

Yes. The best part? If you have leftovers they’re even better the next day.