The birthday… where do I start?
Josh, “Saturday you need to be at Green Eggs Cafe at 10:30 a.m…. you have a breakfast date”. Apparently he had been conspiring behind my back… you sneakers!
So Saturday morning I went… I was surprised by Angie, a long time e-friend who I met through my blog, who drove down from North Jersey with her sister Carly, and we had breakfast at Green Eggs Cafe. It was a pleasant surprise and the breakfast was divine. A salted caramel latte with cracked salt on the foam topping is one of the best inventions of the coffee drinking world. I caught myself licking the rim of the cup like I was drinking a margarita. I clearly chose the wrong dish when her creme brulee stuffed french toast arrived to the table. Good lord. There was also a stack of red velvet pancakes at the table which were also NOT MINE. I was blinded by the words “pork belly” and even though my dish was awesome, it wasn’t porn in my mouth like theirs were. Totally merited flock of people outside.
Afterwards I took them to take in a really beautiful Fall day at Laurel Hill Cemetery. I love that place and there is not a visitor that I don’t take there… it’s just worth it. I think they totally agreed it was worth the trek. Shortly after we parted ways and I came home to my family.
It’s always interesting when you meet people you have only known from the e-world. You never know what it is going to be like, will expectations be met? Are you/they the same person there and here? Here is this person who you really don’t “know” but you know a lot about one another from e-interaction. It’s a total trip but always cool when it works out, when they’re nice and it just all falls into place like nothing. Natural and unforced.
That evening, as I was putting away laundry I felt the doom creeping in and lord did it get me. I was up at 4 a.m. with throat of fire. Crap.
Since I was 35, I decided that every morning on my birthday I would take a photo of myself and write about my year. I am not in front of the camera nearly as much and if anything, I like to compare the changes. It was customary to do so on the morning of but yesterday I woke up and felt like hell had frozen over… and parked itself in my skull. Wow. Funny, cause now that I look at my post for 37, I was sick then as well. What gives universe? Why u no let me be healthy on my birthday?
Anyway, I took this photo of myself the day before my birthday. I liked it enough that it ended up plastered on a couple of my social media sites. Excuse the redundancy but if you saw the conditions in which I was in yesterday, you would understand why I would not want to immortalize that day. The flu and a migraine. Ouch. I will eventually take a better, non-cell phone photo and replace it… even if it’s not the day of. I make the rules here, I also break them. I couldn’t have written this post yesterday, there is no way! I couldn’t even see straight.
Josh and Reza were super sweet though, trying their best to make my day good even if it didn’t feel like it. They made me cards, brought me a red velvet cupcake with candles in bed… Josh sent her off to a friends house so she could play. He had made dinner reservations but ultimately I was far too sick to go. It would have been a waste of an amazing dinner so I requested a do-over day once I am back to my usual self.
What did 37 give me? On the outside, a handful of grey hairs and some age spots on my hands… as pale as I am, that business is all but inevitable. Inside? Wow. Where do I even begin? I said I was going to spend last year getting myself together, treating myself better, being a better friend, finding my place in the world and getting the creative juices flowing, surviving Winter. Did I do all of that? Yes and no.
My self is always work in progress. I don’t think anyone is ever 100% the person they want to be… I know I am not. There is always work on the outside and the inside is always changing. I am not the person I was years ago and despite the emotional hardships that I have crossed in the past year, I always search for the lesson to be learned in everything.
So did I get it together the way I thought I would? No. But I had some fleeting pockets where I was very content with a lot of things… riding my bike in the sun with fantastic music in my ears, collecting bugs, sending more mail to my friends than I ever have in my lifetime, watching my daughter grow up into this amazing person… testy and opinionated at times, but spirited and smart as fuck. I like that.
Josh and I hit a rough patch that inevitably took head and while it sucked to have to even say the things that were said, we realized that sometimes you have to fall in order to get back up. We came out of that stronger than ever. Even the best of us have our moments, the difference is I don’t publicize it. Not everything needs to be put out there, especially when it hasn’t been hashed out. Our place in this world is on the cusp of something… we don’t know where the next great adventure is going to be but we know that we are better than where we are now and we are working toward something greater.
The creative factor comes and goes… I hate that it is not something that I have as a constant. It is as temperamental as the tides and just like it rises, it sinks to all time lows. I don’t know why it has always been like that but I do know that it is fueled with lots of self doubts and insecurities. That is something I really need to get away from.
Winter? I’m still here aren’t I? It wasn’t nearly as bad as I made it out in my head and as much as I hate the fucking tundra (as I call it), it’s also nice to be thrown out of my element. Watch us get an epic blizzard next month. HAHHAHAH.
What will 38 hold? A lot more biking when the weather lets me, getting the hell out of New Jersey – wherever that ends up being, more exercise, better eating… being good to my house. Write more letters, make more art, SELL more art for that matter, see new places, have awesome moments to even more awesome music, cherish the ones that matter and let go of the ones that don’t and above all, try my best, be true/honest with myself and everyone else.
Yes! 38, it’s on! Let’s DO THIS.