I rarely if ever watch reality tv these days, too much fakeness out there but when it comes to these kinds of competitive shows I always look forward to So You Think You Can Dance.

Season 9 just started and what an opener of a show. Lots and lots of emotion and yes, I cried many times. There have been a lot of memorable auditions in the many seasons I have watched but this? This right here hit me in the gut. The best part is how they all seemed to second guess him and he absolutely rips them apart. I have watched it multiple times in complete awe that a person can move and say so much without speaking a word. You need to see this. ( I would embed it but seem to have some conflict with wordpress)

Absolutely brilliant and I can’t stand Evanessence. Those glides are seamless.



It has been a somewhat quiet memorial day weekend for us. Josh has pretty much been on call or on property just to make sure everything was going smoothly at work. Grand opening, 4 highly publicized performances and a visit from the first lady herself you can imagine the nerves were a little frazzled. Everything needed to be as perfect as possible.

I’m really proud of Josh and what he has been doing at his job. You can tell he’s very proud to be a part of the project as a whole and despite the fact the location isn’t the most desirable, it certainly softens the edges. Far cry from his last job where he was never valued for his worth. To go from that to being asked to work with the Secret Service to set up communications for Michelle Obama’s visit? Pretty awesome. Growth all around.

Things have quieted down since I have chosen to take a serious step back from Facebook. I guess I need to make something clear since several people have asked me… Nothing in particular happened. No one said anything to me, there was no particular incident where I got called out. If anything it was a culminating group of things: behaviors of others, nasty, angry, self serving, arrogant behavior in others that makes me wonder that if I view people in that manner, how do they view me? Ultimately it came down to things I am seeing in myself. How I choose to accept and react to all the dribble being posted and the unhealthy addiction with checking it constantly. Those are problems. When my daughter is asking me for something and I’m asking her to wait cause I am “too busy” typing comments? Wtf is that? I don’t think it’s cool.

Not to be mistaken with going off completely, I am weaning little by little to see how I handle things. I created a very small filter just so I can keep up with my closest and now that the “feed” has dwindled from 450ish people to a small two figure number, it has become much more manageable. I’m not scrolling forever, I’m not being emotionally affected as much as I was and because the content has dwindled down and I am not checking as often as I was. I won’t lie, it’s a lot harder than it sounds. You have no idea how bad it was getting. Or maybe you do? Heh. I am still posting links to these some of these posts over there though.

One thing that has come from all this scaling back on fb malarkey is I am purposely being more conscientious about emailing people. I sent out a couple letters on Friday, and instead of posting fb wall posts to people, I have called or texted. The response may not be as instantaneous and even more infrequent but when they come, they mean that much more.

I’m having one of those “I hate it here” days. Maybe because it’s a holiday weekend and I was used to having a slew of plans and invites and today I’ve done nothing but fold laundry and hang out at home. I saw photos of La Jolla that a friend posted and it honestly got me meepy. The Atlantic isn’t the Pacific. You get used to seeing the ocean a certain way and nothing else compares to it.

I was telling Josh earlier today that every day that goes by here is one less day we are no longer here anymore. I don’t want to get complacent or comfortable by any means and thankfully he is on exactly the same boat as I am. We just know that even though this needed to happen in order for our survival and growth, and we are making the best of it mind you, we also recognize that this place isn’t entirely for us. Never was and won’t ever be.

One thing that has been kind of grating at me is Reza. She is going through a phase where she is blatantly rude and disrespectful to me. It’s not grating, it’s hurtful. You work so hard to cultivate this spirited, driven and opinionated little person and then it backfires on you. The other day Josh and I were talking that the day will come where she will yell “I HATE YOU” at one of us. We all did it and all of us as parents will hear it one day or another. We know she won’t mean it but it doesn’t mean that it won’t run our hearts through a meat grinder. It’s pretty obvious I am going to be the one that gets it first. I am “the mean one” after all. Even now as she just sassed me, I had to come upstairs to finish my post, fighting back the tears. I’ve just been feeling a little spread thin, the fragility is crippling and I can only get teary over everything so much.

The other day I went to a “what you can do to prepare your child for Kindergarten” orientation type thing. Reza is going to be 6 in October and she is barely hitting kindergarten. She’s reading stuff all the time now, song titles off my iPod, street signs, she adds… and then I hear this broad say things like “math isn’t something they really do in K”. They’re telling me what she is going to be learning and in my head I am checking off “already does that, knows that, needs a little work, fuck she already has been doing that for the past YEAR”. I know it sounds arrogant as fuck but she really is an observant and smart kid. I am not saying this to pull my own chain. You should see her handwriting. Some of it is far too clean for her age. I wonder where she got that one from. Hopefully they will see that and tap into it.

I am grateful that the months to come are bringing visitors from home. I need a recharge, I need to be reminded of who I am and I am so very grateful this is coming soon cause our going anywhere to visit just isn’t feasible at the moment. Recharge and refresh. That sounds like a plan.

fill in the blank friday

1. The best surprise ever would be, my closest friends all showing up on my doorstep. I would weep for days.

2. The day Josh and I got married is my most favorite memory. Although, picking one is just not cool cause I have had a lot of really awesome moments in my life. Our engagement and the day Reza popped out would shortly follow.

3. The hardest, but most worthwhile thing I’ve ever done was go through pregnancy. Talk about a physical upheaval. Giving up your body for the sake of another person is one of the most selfless things I have ever done.

4. The best part of my day is getting in bed after a nice shower, kid asleep.

5. Something I like that most people don’t is/are hair metal bands and funny meats like tripe and tongue.

6. Something I am willing to fight for is Reza’s happiness and my marriage. Dude, you fuck with either one of them and you will regret the day you did.

7. Something you might not know about me is I studied piano as a kid and gave it up, played on the soccer team at school after my femur fracture (talk about resiliency), have only lived in 3 cities my entire life, have an innie and own a lot more socks than underwear.

in case you want to play along

conclusions of interaction

When you come to a realization that something takes up too much of your time and doesn’t contribute much to your current frame of mind, you got to accept that it is time to take a step back. You know who of which I speak… the site that sucks all of our time and in turn is taking a little of our souls with it.

While it is an easier method to stay in touch it also makes things far too accessible. I will be the first to admit that because I live somewhere where I have little to no friends and I know so many awesome people all over the world, I like the convenience of the one stop shop but how rewarding is it really? My social life is on a screen and that is really fucking sad.

I don’t like what it is doing to me and what it has done to other people. Through this medium I have really come to learn and dislike aspects of people that I thought were… better? I have seen some really ugly actions and words… too much anger and vitriol. Not just in others, but in myself as well. Despite the fact that I try to let things brush off my back, I can’t. It’s like seeing someone get hit by a car, you carry that with you for the longest time. ( For the record, I have seen someone get hit by a car, it isn’t pretty)

I have never been one to care what others think about me but the idea that people would view the way I express myself as despicable hits a little too close to home. Every day I strive to be better, to make the next day better than the next… some days I fail, some not so much.

All I DO know is that I have a lot going on over here… things I could be doing, art I could be making/selling, writing I could be doing, photos I could be taking, time I could be spending with Reza and a house that could use a little more nurturing… both houses.

In turn I am going to scale back and focus on the aforementioned. I have a phone that rarely rings, email that collects spam and there is little to no connecting with people anymore. I cannot let a “social” website dictate the quality of interaction I have with my “friends”. So if you care to follow or know more of my goings on, my musings, my daily meanderings… I am going to be making an effort to put them here, my space… in an effort to wean myself off that social media drug that many people just roll with cause it is a necessary evil. Translation: I am lowering my fb intake and focusing on more important & fulfilling things/people.

As always, if you want to reach me you can always comment here, email me @ beansandink at gmail dot com or for those of you who have my number and home address, write and call me. Use them, please. I plan on doing the same with yours if I am lucky enough to have them.

I want to know there is more there than a thumbs up on a screen.

the irrational

Lately I have been going through this wave of irrationality. Hey man, you try living in New Jersey and tell me your mind won’t wander to odd places. Lack of conversation with other adults will do that to you.

For one there are the irrational fears. I have them. Prime examples…

that the garbage disposal is going to magically turn on while I have my hand in it and turn my fingers into hamburger
planes crashing on top of the neighborhood
getting in a car accident and everyone dies except me
black widow spider infestations
being forced to eat ambrosia salad

Now, I am not discounting the fact that these things could happen, they very well can but the odds are pretty great. You have any thoughts like this? Please tell me I am not alone and going cuckoo.

Then there are the conversations I think of… someone you know is really grating at your balls and instead of calling them on their crap you have the conversation in your head cause you know that talking to them is as useless as giving a fish a bicycle for christmas. I am not sure what stops me from dropping the final axe on acquaintances that contribute nothing positive.

Today I overcame a fear, I would say it is irrational but it isn’t unfounded. I put my big girl pants on and got out on my bike. I have been dreading riding it on the street. I know… then why own one!? Right? My fear: that I am going to get mowed down by some jackass. Wouldn’t be the first time… I still think of the trauma I got put through with a leg fracture cause some asshat wasn’t paying attention. Well today I got the hair up my ass and rode the damn thing for 8 flippin’ miles. Most of it was on trails but there were portions where I was sharing the road with cars.

But this was my view today. I did the Cooper River loop and despite the muggy factor, the weather was really pretty. Scenic even despite having to dodge the massive turds that the Canada geese leave everywhere. See that faint skyline in the back? That’s Philadelphia.

By the way, I promise I won’t turn into one of those people that do nothing but talk about how much they worked out for the day and shit. No one really cares about your exercise and dietary habits that much.

And on a sad note… talking about irrationality and unfairness. One of my best friends lost his mom suddenly. Not sure how life and fate choose to hand out those cards but the process of it is upsetting. You get to thinking about your own mortality and how it could always be you, close to you or happen to someone you love. I think about optimum life, what I can do to make mine more fulfilling. Lots of food for thought. Dealing with these feelings while having massive PMS isn’t the best. One thing I do know… it makes me hold on to what I have even tighter.

Art Star Craft Bazaar

One of the things I have been looking forward to since moving to the East Coast was hitting up a good craft bazaar. San Diego had a couple but a lot of it was a bunch of junk and cheap whatnot. Los Angeles had their share but the trek up there just wasn’t my cup of tea. 4 hours in the car? Traffic? A-holes? Yeah, no thanks.

So when I stumbled upon this flyer with art by Julie West I got super excited…

I love Julie West and the fact she would lend her art to this only says a lot about the quality of vendors that would be there. woo!

Rather than post a crap ton of pix of stuff… I just took photos of my favorite vendors. People at these things can also be weird about your shooting their stuff but I asked permission for these.

The left is Bubbledog. He had some really great artwork, nice guy and that rocket pop was a total childhood memory. It took everything in me to not come home with that apple plushie but Reza needs more plushies like I need a bullet to the head. I ended up getting a small cuckoo clock print from him (below). You can see more of his adorable art at www.bubbledog.com

The right is a local Philly Artist I stumbled upon several months ago, Corina Dross. I have bought some of her stuff already so it was nice to see more stuff as well as meet her. Super cool chick and her Portable Fortitude deck of cards series is BAD ASS. Definitely check her out over at www.corinadross.com

And last but not least… I have been following Heidi Kenney’s blog for quite some time now. I love her happy food and cheerful tone in her art. Her blog is full of awesome imagery. She happened to be there so I got to say my hellos and tried my best not to be some creepy stalker chick. I couldn’t resist buying one of her doughnuts. Look at them!

You can see more of her stuff over on her blog, www.mypapercrane.com or on www.kidrobot.com.

It was a gorgeous day in Philly. No, really! Look… the fair is over on the right side, right on the waterfront.

I was thankful Josh was on full on husband and dad duty to let me have a day to run around and do my thing. I came home, watched some trashy shows and relaxed while they took off to a baseball game. It was one of those things, I missed hanging out with them but I *needed* the time to myself and thankfully Josh is more than willing to give it to me.

Here is the booty I picked up… I exercised some serious restraint let me tell you. There were a lot of art and stationery type vendors and I resisted coming home with more paper goods. One only has so many walls to put this stuff after all.

More photos from my outing can be found over on my flickr page.

Oh and I found this cool blue house while walking around!

I have been corrected… It’s a tardis. Sorry guys! I don’t watch Dr Who

Overall a successful, warm and inspiring day.

lord valmont de bun

About a week ago Josh and I were hanging out in the attic. Reza was sleeping, he was making music and I was laying on the bed sketching. Not sure how it happened but I drew a bear silhouette (seen below) and next thing you know I am spending days drawing more. Hence the critter shadows…

These are all the ones I have done thus far. They are intended for being paper cuts and are in fact that but for posting purposes here is a vector file so you can see them all.

(bear is missing from the photo but seen below)

I still need to give them names… I know the snake is a Julius and the bunny is being named Valmont. If you have name suggestions or you think of a critter that would work well in this format I am all ears.

Also, here is a crappy picture of what the actual paper cuts look like after assembly and mounting.

All of them will be available for sale (once I finish cutting out the rest and decide the best price point) and if for some reason you like one that gets swooped up on I can cut out more.

I will be giving one of them away on my beans+ink facebook page. Like it! I giveth away!

I am so happy with these. It has been so overdue and my creative river was dry for so long… and when something like this just hits me I can’t help but be excited about it. So excuse me if you have seen one too many reposts.

The Dirty Secret

Last week I was out and about doing my thing and I could feel this poking underneath one of my breasts. I get home and inspect only to realize that the wire in my bra had cracked in half. I pictured something like this…


Little guy finally gave up and caved under the mammary pressure.

So I sigh in defeat and throw out one of the two functional bras I own. Sad times. Now, I know you’re asking yourself, “TWO?”. Yes, two. I know it sounds absolutely asinine to own so little.

In my venting the sadness of said wire explosion on Facebook, I came to a realization: I hate bra shopping with an unholy passion and I am not alone.

A) I have big boobs – duh
B) I have a wide back

Because of these two things and a serving of side-boob, bra shopping is defeating and awful.

So in an attempt to replace the broken boulder holder, I do what I need to do and set forth to bra shopping hell: Victorias Secret

I walk in and I am greeted by this atrocity….


Not sure when the 80’s came back but it was a goddamn puddle of neon vomit. Who wears this shit? For one, lace looks terrible under t-shirts and a color that bright would strike through anything so unless you’re a go-go dancer, stripper or hooker, this serves me no purpose whatsoever. I like a good “fuck me” undergarment just as much as the next girl but pink that bright would not only blind him but kill his erection instantaneously. Josh is very particular about the visual stimuli.

Then another problem… Everything has padding, some so obscenely padded that it takes up half the cup. Why would I, size D, want my tits to look bigger than they already are? I don’t need help and I also don’t believe in false advertising. Can’t a girl just find a simple, black little number that lifts and separates? Is that too much to ask?

So there I am, among a sea of neon, padded, ill fitting bras… Surrounded by posters of Miranda Kerr or whoever their güera flaca of the moment is, both of which could probably fit their entire body in one of my pant legs. You see where this is going? Defeat.

The sales girl encourages me to shop online. LMAO. Why do companies do this? The larger sizes are available “online only”. Dude! Us girls with the thickness are the one that need to try shit on the most! And so I’m relegated to buy and try on a bunch in hopes that one fits? Right. Who has that kind of money and time? Even when they do have my sizes I usually grab 10 to try on and if I’m lucky, one will feel good. One! And then I grab another 2 in the same style cause I just won’t torture myself into hoping I’ll find another “cute” style.

There are plenty of lingerie manufacturers that make sizes to accommodate the brick houses of the world but one look and you would rather wear a sports bra. Lacey grandma bras that make your tits look like pointy missile gazongas. So damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

I’m sure someone out there is shaking her head saying “oh boo hoo, look at this chick crying over big boobs” and you know what I have to say to you? F U. Big tits are overrated as fuck. Yes, you can use them to get out of speeding tickets, getting the bartender’s attention and they lend themselves for motorboating and hot dogging. On the flip side of that coin they also hurt, my back hurts and they will inevitably serve as pencil holders as they make their way south. How chicks run out and voluntarily get gigantic, globulous implants is beyond my comprehension.

Thankfully I happened to discover that lohemans does exist in the armpit of America and I found a saucy, comfy and black little number by Natori. And for half off! Thank you Natori for delivering where everywhere else failed. And yes, I only found ONE. Go figure.


Another post in which I throw out a bunch of randomness that doesn’t merit a post of its own so I pile it all up in here…

I was at the craft store today buying some spray mount. I ask an employee if they have something to which she says, “I don’t know, if it’s not in that section over there then we don’t have it”. Isn’t it your job to know? You could look with me, no? The apathy people have for their jobs is astonishing, at the very least ACT like you give a fuck.

Oh and since I am talking about craft stores, which I also like to call Erection Killers, can someone please explain to me the bizarre crafting cult called “scrapbooking”? I mean, I get it… but it’s like sticker books for adults, yes?

Here are a handful of recent phone pix that I have liked. All reposts from my instagram cause I am a repeat offender like that. 🙂

top row: a bookcase at Revel, a quote I saw while out shopping, me and my addiction to pretty paper. Skull print paper is the shit!
bottom row: gomez + judas being snuggle rats, coming over the Benjamin Franklin bridge into Philadelphia at sunset (I was a passenger thank you), and some art I have in the works…

It has been a sea of pollen in the air over here. I normally don’t suffer allergy issues but magenta eyeshadow on a day that is so pollenated was not the best combo. Watery, itchy eyeballs. Also, why do craft stores smell like cheap cinnamon and fake rose? Between that and the pollen explosion, I am Squints McGee. Need to know what that means, look up photos of Renee Zellweger.

I had to endure the voluntary horror of both a pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound earlier today. Don’t know what it is? Look it up. I have on/off ovarian cysts if you need to know.. yes! And my new lady dr. decided it was time for a recheck. A nice round of TMI cause you know I live to make people squirm. Picture this if you will, 32 oz of water in my damn bladder and this broad is pushing down on it while happily smacking her gum. FUN. Then comes the probe. Mid probing she asks me, “are you ok?” and what I really wanted to say was “what do you fucking think lady? I am getting served a cervical beating that isn’t even getting me off or buying me dinner after. What do you think?!” Dude, I like me some toys and man meat, and that is fine up in my business but some chick shoving and wiggling around a plastic, cold wand up in my taco is just not the way I wanted to spend my morning. Subsequently, my ultrasound tech referred to my butt as as my “high-nee” (or however you spell that shit). Grown women/men that refer to body parts in cutesy names like hoo hoo, tushie and wee wee bug the living crap out of me. It reminds me of the psycho mommies on mommy boards that refer to their husbands as “Dear” while they’re writing to complain about how he never changes the poop diapers. There is nothing “dear” about a person if you are talking shit about them.

I’m not all vinegar infested today, I swear! I also had my 6 week follow up with the ankle doctor today and he basically has cleared me from physical therapy and follow up visits unless the thing flares up or I am in pain again. WORD! Now, I know I am not 100% and probably won’t ever be, so as long as I proceed with caution and know my limits, I will be avoiding surgery. HOLLAH.

The Beaver

Yesterday we went to a birthday party and the birthday girl got a Justin Bieber board game (wtf?!!) and got super excited over it. Up until that point Reza had been nicely sheltered from his stupid ass…

Well this morning after taking Josh to the train station, Reza and I are headed home and this happened…

“Mom, I’m kinda thinking about Justin Bieber”

O_o!!! <---- me in the front seat of the car "Justin Bieber is not the kind of thing that little girls like you should be thinking about baby" (in my mind I was really saying, "oh hell fucking no!!") Realizing that she has crossed into a territory that is not making me happy I sense the back pedal is coming and sure enough... "Mom, I didnt say 'Bieber' I said beaver

“Oh! Justin Beaver”

“Yeah Mom, Justin Beaver. A beaver named Justin”

Now, I normally don’t condone fibbing but in this case she is forgiven.

What. The. Hell.